Death of the Dib
by JoeMerl
Summary: Zim has finally done it-destroyed his arch-nemesis, erased him years before he was even a threat. But then who's that new kid sitting at the Dib-monkey's desk? "Bad, Bad Rubber Piggy" alternate timeline. Slight KAGR.
1. Introduction

Introduction

(Author's Note: Opinions expressed in this story about the illogic of time travel, the smelliness of hyumans or the intelligence of this story's readers are not necessarily those of JoeMerl or FF-dot-net.)

_Time travel. Alternate realities. Horrific character death. And of course, rubber piggies, because the person who came up with this fandom and all of his followers are a bunch of inbred human morons._

_Hello. Allow me to introduce myself. I am **Mike, **and I will be your host for this story. Don't like me? Well, rest assured that the feeling is mutual; but don't worry, I'm mostly just a framing device. I will appear in the story proper, but my part, sadly, is minor; your human author, in yet another show of his immense lack of common sense, has decided to choose a different focus for this tale, arguing that I am simply a secondary character to these events, and that anyway, I do not come off as, shall we say, a "likeable character." Hmph. That's your problem, not mine, philistines. But fear not; we shall be getting to your oh-so-precious canon characters, with their insane delusions and burning meats, soon enough. Feel free to just ignore my little intrusions of rationality._

_But I digress. The reason I am here is to explain to you ignorant boobs what this story is about. You see, JoeMerl--though insisting I am just not the right person to tell this story in its entirety--does agree that I am the most suited to explaining some of its details, as spatio-temporal polydimensional physics are just not his forte. So, allow me to explain._

_This story, "Death of the Dib," is an alternate timeline version of the _Invader Zim _episode "Bad, Bad Rubber Piggy." This forms the beginning of the tale, but afterwards it digresses from the episode, allowing an entirely new story to be written based loosely on that episode's events. Does that mean that this is an alternate universe, or, as you humans so adorably shorten it, "AU" story? Not really; as you will see by the end of this tale, it is more like one extremely long deleted scene JoeMerl has developed, but for all intents and purposes, you may consider it as breaking continuity if you wish. Perhaps you can already figure out the distinction, and what JoeMerl is planning for this story; I honestly do not know, it all depends if you are just as stupid as he is or even more so. In any event, I am assigned the task of helping to explain this story, so if your tiny human minds get confused about anything— why this change to the timeline causes that result, or whatever— just put your query into a review, and I'll try to find a way to translate it into terms your pitifully inadequate brains can understand. _

_JoeMerl will try to update this story fairly frequently, but then, he already has two other _Invader Zim_ fanfictions going, and another story in another fandom, and he is starting _this_ one two days before he has to return to university from summer break. See above RE: his immense lack of common sense. Those other _Zim_ stories, incidently, are titled "Endorsements of the Doomed" and "Dib in the PITS," and he begs you to please go and read them as well. And I do mean _beg,_ he is very needy. He promises that they are good, though. And they are. I mean, you can just _tell_ by the _geniuses_ who read them..._

Ahem. **Mike?**

Ugh. _What is it?_

Didn't I tell you not to stop insulting me and my readers?

_Probably. You didn't actually expect me to _listen _while you were talking, did you?_

Okay, **Mike? **If you're not going to do this right, I'll just get somebody else to--

__

(SLAP!)

OW!

_Hm-hmm. Anyway, time to begin our little tale. We start off on the date of August 24 (1), in the year Zim began his invasion, and also simultaneously August 24 three years earlier, when Dib met a boy named Sasquatch Lad and got into a terrible accident. Or didn't, actually, except for when Zim changed the past in order to manufacture it. (Yes, you see why this story is going to be confusing now, don't you?) So, to satisfy all you insane fangirls out there clamoring for my nonexistent blood, let us turn to these sophomoric imbeciles your favorite show is based upon, and see what idiocy comes from their reckless meddling with the fabric of the universe itself._

_(1) Which also happens to be the date the "Bad, Bad Rubber Piggy" episode first aired, and that JoeMerl is publishing this story. He's just _so clever,_ isn't he? If only I had eyes to roll..._


	2. Filthy Evil

Chapter One  
Filthy Evil

AUGUST 24, PRESENT, 15:15:49

"Oh, I hate that Dib-beast so much!"

I kicked the pitiful hyuman can with all my might, and it went flying through the air and out of sight. My hands were balled into fists as I stormed down the Earth sidewalk, littered with more such cans and other horrible _filth._All I could think about was the Dib-beast and how he had foiled me yet again, foiled my plans with his horrible, burning water-gun, a truly nightmarish weapon that only went further to prove how demented he was in his disturbed, overly-large hyuman Earth-boy head!

Shooting water at _me…_how dare he. How dare he! He, some pathetic little meat-monkey child form a backwards planet in some unimportant quadrant of space, daring to incur the wrath of the amazing Zim, greatest of all the Invaders of the mighty Irken Empire! How it made my squiggledysquooch contort with burning, raging...rage-burn!

"Move over!" I snapped, pushing aside a blond-haired Earth-boy dressed in the raggedy clothes of a hobo. Said Earth-child fell to the ground off the sidewalk, letting out a puny cry of indignation.

"Hey! Jerk," he grumbled, climbing shakily to his feet and brushing himself off, glaring after me. I ignored him and continued to storm. Oh, that Dib-monster! How I hated him, hated him so very, very much!

I lowered my eyes, now cleverly disguised by hideous white-and-purple lenses to hide my true identity, and after a moment I felt a smile creep onto my amazing Irken face. "Oh well, Dib. Enjoy your short water-victory now. I would have you soon enough."

I still had that time machine almost finished at home…

* * *

AUGUST 24, THREE YEARS AGO, 14:46:09

"It's the Bigfoot Baby! I know it!"

I struggled up the jungle gym as fast as I could, weighed down by my oxygen tank, holding the bars tightly with my metal claw of a hand. The tubes injected into my neck were working twice as hard as usual, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, I knew if my dad was here he would tell me to stop, I was going to overexert myself again, that this was just going to end with another heart attack and another week in a hospital bed, but at the moment I didn't care. But I wasn't going to let Sasquatch Lad escape me this time!

"Leave me alone!" the hairy creature bellowed, climbing ahead of me and looking back in horror. It managed to reach the top of the jungle gym, sitting balanced on the uppermost bar, hoping I wouldn't be able to climb all the way up there. And unfortunately, I probably couldn't.

But luckily, I had a camera.

"Nobody has ever gotten footage this close before!" I said excitedly, holding it up to get the Sasquatch Lad in shot.

_"Urgh-uh!" _It gave its strange, bellowing Sasquatch-call pathetically as a gust of wind blew its shaggy fur. "I'm just a regular kid! I just want to eat _grubs_!"

"Eat your grubs, Sasquatch!" I cried, joy exploded in my aching chest. Finally, proof! Proof that the Bigfoot child I had told everyone about was real, and that I hadn't just been "seeing things," that it hadn't been me who broke Dad's belt sander— well, okay, that was true, but proof that I had been wrestling it from a Sasquatch when it happened! My oxygen tank struggled to supply my rapidly beating heart with air, I was feeling giddy and breathless and--

And suddenly my view of the Sasquatch transformed into a horrible, pink rubber pig.

"AGH!"And suddenly I was falling. I screamed and felt the crash, hard, felt my ribs breaking against the earth, heard the crack of my nose, tasted the wet soil filling my mouth. I felt the oxygen tank explode, felt the deadly electricity crackle through me, and somewhere, in the back of my head, I could have sworn that I heard somebody laugh…

* * *

AUGUST 24, PRESENT, 16:39:36

"Doody-doody-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo…"

GIR was walking out of the house with Piggy-Friend, his new friendly rubber-piggy friend, singing to himself as he came down the sidewalk, happy to escape the house and the Master's labs. The Master was being all angsty 'cuz he was working on some new evil plan. It was…something. Hmm. What was it, now?

Oh yeah…the Dib-monkeh. That was it. Hee-hee. He liked Dib. It was so much fun when he and Dib and the Master would all go play together. How they would all laugh, with their "hee-hee's" and "mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha's," and play super-fun games like zap-the-Dib and splash-the-Zim, and then sometimes Master would get tacos on the way home and curse the Dib-monkeh while GIR looked forward to another day of fun tomorrow...

Unbeknownst to GIR, that very Dib-monkey was walking down the sidewalk towards the base right at that moment.

Dib blinked his eyes. What was that flash of light? And why did his tank seem so much heavier all of a sudden? His hand shook with the weight of that one little piece of paper, the note he had worked so hard to write up all the previous night…he had even managed to get Gaz to fix all the spelling errors in it for him. Wait, wasn't he supposed to be good at spelling? Well, he had been, before all of those blows to the head…back when he was in all the advanced classes instead of the special ed…back before all the accidents, before all the horrible nights tossing and turning and dreaming about horrible, horrible pink pigs…

_Why am I so mixed up lately? _he wondered. _Why does everything seem so strange?_ After all, it had been years since his last accident...yet lately he seemed unable to focus...he should probably tell his dad...maybe the neurologist should look to see if there was any more damage to his memory that they didn't know about yet...

Dib began to round the corner towards Zim's house. How he was going to sneak past the lawn gnomes he didn't really know…sometimes they just let him pass, though, knowing he wasn't really much of a threat…_and then Gaz will come pick me up later, Dad will be worried that I keep wandering out of the house..._

Just then, as he began to turn, he saw Zim's little robot servant. He jumped.

"AGH!" The paper flew from his hand.

"AGH!" GIR cried, dropping Piggy-Friend.

"AGH!"

"AGH!"

GIR abandoned Piggy-Friend and turned to run back inside.

Dib turned to the thing he had dropped. A small, pink rubber piggy.

Suddenly, everything in Dib's head clicked. He growled.

_Zim._

* * *

AUGUST 24, PRESENT, 16:42:03

One of the screens before me displayed the outside, but I did not bother to watch it. I was too busy watching the screen with Dib's History, Heartbeat and Lifeline, watching with detached amusement at the way my precious piggies were making them jump and squirm.

And then I heard his voice.

It was loud but weak, coming through the speakers on the screen. Dib was outside, pounding on the door. He was on his knees, yes, on his knees before the amazing Zim! (even if I was a hundred feet below him), his one hand a metal claw, the other weak hyuman flesh, demanding entrance.

"I know you're behind the piggies, Zim! I don't know how, but I know that it's you!" His voice was not like his own; it was strained, weak, breathless, and on the verge of desperate insanity. "Rubber piggies have ruined my life and _it's all been you!"_

Well, this was too much. I bent over, cackling joyously. "So close to victory!"

And now I turned back to the screen of three years previously, to watch that victory become complete…

* * *

AUGUST 24, THREE YEARS AGO, 14:55:23

"Come on, kid! If I lose one more patient today I'm gonna get written up!"

I opened my eyes a tiny crack— even that seemed hard, painful, adding to the horrible ache that was in every bone and muscle in my body. I felt like I was drowning, I couldn't breathe…where was my air tank? I wasn't used to lying down this way, flat on my back, without that awkward arch in my back that made it so hard to sleep at night…and where was I? Why couldn't I seem to move? Why couldn't I feel my arms or legs?

"Clear! Come on, kid!"

He was holding those things in his hands…those electrical things you see on the TV shows, that they use on a person who's going to die.

There was a flash. And now they were piggies.

Of course, I thought. Of course…

"Clear!"

The piggies did nothing, of course; they pounded them again and again against my chest— I could feel my head bob with the force, but my body was gone now, I couldn't feel it— no new life was pouring into me…just…what? A kind of dull acceptance, a knowledge that of course it would end this way, with those horrible pigs…

And tiredness…I needed to sleep…

"Stay with me! STAY WITH ME!"

So...tired...

My eyes began to close…

* * *

AUGUST 24, PRESENT, 16:44:13

_BEEEEEEEP…_

History. Flatline.

Heartbeat. Flatline.

Lifeline. Flatline.

A tube extended from the ceiling. A soda— an Irken one, not one of those disgusting hyuman dookie-drinks or whatever they are called--shot down into my waiting hand. I took a sip with a sigh.

"Ahhh. Foolish Earth-creature."

I stepped into the lift. It rose into the air, taking me back up into the base.

I came out of the toilet, hopping joyously over the rim and throwing my empty cup into the trashcan— it was a lift too, not a real trashcan, but it came out close to the waste disposal room so I might as well use it like one. I walked into the living room. It was utterly quiet. GIR was at the window, staring out blankly.

"Well, GIR?"

GIR didn't answer. I smirked and went to the door. I opened it.

Nobody was there.

Nobody had ever been there, now.

"Dib gone?" GIR asked, turning to me, one glowing blue eye raised.

"Oh, yes, GIR. Dib is gone."

I cackled to myself. Yes. Dib was finally gone for good.

* * *

AUGUST 24, PRESENT, 16:44:20

Zim ascended out of the lab through the lift. The room was quiet and empty. Even the base's artificial intelligence left, moving its attention to the upstairs, following after its boss. The only sound was the long, unending _BEEEEEEEP _of the time machine's sensors.

History. Flatline.

Heartbeat. Flatline.

Lifeline. Flatline.

And then…

Dib's History line began to shimmer, flex, move. The beeping lowered just a bit, only two-thirds of the volume it had been before. The line did not spike, it did not make bumps or squares like it had been moments before, when the child called Dib had been alive in the past; instead it rippled, like the waves on an ocean, strange, snakelike, changing colors rapidly…

And then the glowing light appeared, filling the screen.

The room was bathed in sudden whiteness as the portal opened, and out of it came three shapes, bobbing in the air, glowing just like their gate. The portal light behind them suddenly vanished; the three were left floating there, hovering in the Irken's red metal lab.

_"Well. We have arrived," _one said, turning to the others.

_"Yeees," _said the middle one, its voice drawling. _"Now to begin our plan against the Irken Zim."_

And with that, the three shot into the air like meteors, passing through the ceiling of Zim's subterranean base as if it were not even there, and disappearing from sight.

* * *

_Well, there you go. That was interesting, wasn't it? And it's going to get even more so, once Zim sees what his new, Dib-less world is like. That's coming soon; JoeMerl has that written already, but chooses to wait to update for now. So, be on the lookout for Chapter Two, coming soon._

_...What's that? (sigh) And leave reviews before going to read JoeMerl's other stories. For goodness sakes, you are_ shameless...


	3. Louie

_Well, hello, human morons. **Mike **again, here to tell you that JoeMerl has finally deigned to update after an eight-day absence. School got in the way. Because, you know, that has to come first; those degrees in Communication and Creative Writing will be so _useful_ in finding an actual job._

_But you are rewarded (if you actually enjoy this bilge) with a rather long chapter--longer than the previous two combined, in fact, so good for you. Next update will come fairly soon, perhaps; it's already written, but then so was this one, before JoeMerl decided to add some long space scene that is barely important at all to the plot. And he thanks you for all the interest shown in this story--after all, when you're broke, jobless and still living with your parents, you need _some way_ of boosting your deservedly low self-esteem._

* * *

Chapter Two  
Louie

STANDARD INTERPLANETARY TIME (SIT): DAY 146 OF YEAR 1586 AFTER THE GREAT CALENDAR STARTENING (A.G.C.S.), HOUR 7.00  
EARTH TIME: AUGUST 25, PRESENT, 7:00:00

It was happening way too fast.

The star was not very distinctive to look at--an ordinary blue giant, a few times larger than the Irken sun, with a few uninhabited planets circling around it, none of them very notable or important. By Irken records it was designated Star RRFFU-12346. That stood for "really really far from us;" indeed, it was on the very edge of known space, on the farthest borders of Vosgarian territory, and it was from Vosgarian records that basically anything about this star was known.

It was young, in stellar terms--about two million years old, a little more than a quarter of the way through its scheduled life. Yet this fact belied the mystery of this star. It was old for its age.

"It's fusing helium," Skoomoogidy said, looking down at the ship's sensors with a look of confusion on his face.

"So?" Bob grunted, slumped down with his chin in his claws, his red eyes cloudy as they stared at the star on the screen. It loomed large in their view; they were only a few million miles from its surface, the ship's shields raised against the heat.

Skoomoogidy, with his sharper purple eyes, glared down at his squat partner in the seat beside him. "_So,_ Bob, a star at that age shouldn't even be halfway done converting its hydrogen! This star is just graduating from the Academy but looks like a retirement drone! Something is weird with it, and we need to find out what."

Bob let out a kind of grunt of disinterest, and Skoomoogidy turned back to the screen with a glare. He was definitely the more qualified of the two, that was sure. Why the Control Brains had assigned him to the astrophysics department when he was barely qualified as a frycook was beyond him.

Skoomoogidy looked at the star again, deep in thought at this puzzle. What could this be?

He had to admit he was stymied; clearly this was going to take a bit of work to figure out. Skoomoogidy had never even heard of this star before a few days ago, when the Sciency Control Brain had contacted them from Irk with instructions to visit the anomaly. All the Brain had said was that there were reports of strange occurrences around it, and that a Planet Jacker freighter had disappeared while trying to make off with its closest, smallest planet. The planet it vanished too. Whether the two had just crashed somewhere or something stranger had happened, nobody could say. But Skoomoogidy and Bob were the only Irken scientists in the vicinity, and two of the few who the Vosgarians permitted to enter their space (still being miffed about that whole "invading Vosgaria 9" thing, they issued few passports to Imperial citizens). So the two had been called away from their planned excursion to the conference on Exporgia, and were now sent to find out any information they could on this mysterious star.

Actually, there was _one _other Irken in this sector of space, just beyond the Vosgarian's boundaries, on a planet even more distant and mysterious than the RRFFU star. If Skoomoogidy or Bob had known this, they might have well guessed his involvement in this anomaly; they would have known, instinctively, that the proximity of this strange star to that insane Irken could not be a coincidence, that somehow he had to be the cause of this, just as he was the cause of so much else. But neither scientist knew about Earth, or that insane little "Invader" stationed there on his mission; they knew nothing of the time machine, or they might have made a guess. As it was, Skoomoogidy sat stymied, Bob bored, the former contemplating this stellar mystery while Bob tapped his fingers impatiently and began to doze off.

_Beep beep. Beep beep._

"Hey, genius, the comm link's ringing," Bob said, not even bothering to open his eyes.

"Huh?" Skoomoogidy broke off from his reveries to hear a beeping from the console. He blinked, looking down; the ship was being hailed. The scanners picked up a Plooskian ship but several million miles farther back from the star, close by RRFFU's large, gaseous second planet. Skoomoogidy opened a channel. A window opened on the computer screen in front of him, half-blocking the star; a Plooskian appeared, laying across a leather captain's chair, a bag of popcorn in his hands. Skoomoogidy could see a few more Plooskians behind him, working at the various controls but with similar relaxed or excited expressions.

"Hey," the Plooskian captain said, tossing a handful of snacks into his mouth. "You guys here to watch the star?"

"Er...yes," Skoomoogidy said, frowning a bit. "We are a research vessel, sent on behalf of the Almighty Tallest to--"

"Yeah, yeah, cool," the Plooskian interrupted, tossing another handful of foods into his mouth. Voice muffled by the chewing, he went on, "Well, you're in luck, the show's about to begin, right on schedule like a moogshlahg mating. But you might want to back your ship a little way aways from it; you don't want to be too close when the big event happens."

Skoomoogidy turned to Bob, frowning; Bob looked just as confused back, eyelid raised slightly. Skoomoogidy turned to the Plooskian. "I'm sorry, we don't understand. What do you--"

His question was broken off as he and Bob screamed.

"_Aaaaaggggghhhhh!_"

"_Aaaaaggggghhhhh!_"

The star had suddenly finished fusing its helium, a process that normally took six centuries, but which it had begun mere moments before the Irken ship had arrived. In another instant it fused its carbon into oxygen, the oxygen into silicon, the silicon into iron, and the iron, unable to fuse further, collapsed in on itself as the star transformed into a black hole.

"_Aaaaaggggghhhhh!_"

The Irken ship was sucked in, ten times faster than it should have been, and vanished into nothingness.

The black hole was in existence for only half a second, however; in an instant the star had reappeared, blossoming out of the hole like a balloon suddenly inflating. Instantly its iron core un-fused back into silicon, the silicon turned back into oxygen, back into carbon and helium, which over the next few minutes would turn into hydrogen as it de-aged back into a baby protostar. At that point it would begin to age again, faster and faster back into the black hole, transforming one way and then another in a repetitive loop. The Plooskians, ship hanging back far enough to escape the black hole's strength, had watched it go through the process three times already.

The captain shrugged. "Well, tried to warn 'em," he said, turning to his workers on the bridge. "Somebody go make sure we have some more snacks," he called, throwing the last of his popcorn into his mouth and dropping the bag onto a pile on the floor. Vaguely he wondered what was causing the star's strange behavior, but mostly he was concerned with more mundane pursuits. The star was scheduled to collapse again in a few hours, and he wanted to make sure he had chips for the occasion. _Mmm...chips..._

* * *

AUGUST 25, PRESENT, 7:15:00

ZIM'S POV

I woke up the next day feeling happy right from the start.

"Ah, isn't today just a _wonderful _today, Computer?" I asked as the toilet lift rose through the base's subterranean tunnels towards the upper floors of the house, joy flowing through my PAK into every molecule of my being.

"Er...I _guess_ so," the Computer said a bit hesitantly, sounding confused at my tone. We reached the top of the elevator; the flat lift below me shifted back into its curved toilet form, and I chuckled as I hopped out, grinning at the kitchen before me.

"Oh GI-IR?"

His head poked out from beside the threshold, the color of his eyes shifting slightly as he saw me. "Yeah?"

"Could you make me some Irken waffles? I want a nice, _big_ breakfast for the beginning of my _best_ day ever on this miserable ball of dirt."

GIR gasped. "I gets to make waffles!" he cried, letting out an insane cackle and bouncing so high he ricocheted off the ceiling into the room. He ran over to get a stool and climbed up onto the counter, digging around in the cabinets for dishes and food.

"Just make sure you use the Irken ingredients," I called, picking up the Earth newspaper and leaning back in my chair. I unfolded and vanished behind the primitive information device, while GIR giggled to himself, sneezing into a bag of flour and sending white dust falling all through the air around him.

As GIR busied himself making a mess of the kitchen, I looked briefly through the day's horrible news with a feeling of evil rapture rising in my PAK and chest. Everything was good today, no bad news could exist. Rising food prices? Wonderful! Huge accident injures hundreds? How nice! Something called a GFiBS destroying buildings all over downtown? Well, I thought, chuckling to myself, let's just hope they don't do all the work for me! I needed something to do, after all; no use letting my amazingness go to such waste!

GIR bustled over and put a plate of waffles down in front of me. He gave a big smile; his dog outfit and his uncovered face were both covered in batter, but of course at the moment I didn't care. I began to eat--and oh, GIR's cooking had never tasted better!--still glancing at the paper in one hand as I navigated my food with the other.

"Hmm...pity there's no mention of the very _best_ news in the paper today," I said with a grin, folding the paper up and putting it back down on the table beside me. I took another bite of waffle, then suddenly turned towards the Computer's nearest sensor hidden in the wall. "Oh Computer?"

"Yeah?"

"Please tell me--where is the Dib-monkey right now?"

There was a pause. "The who?"

Well, that was just too much. I cackled. I threw back my head and howled with joy. GIR, who was now rolling around in the huge huge mess of batter he had made on the counter, looked up at my chortling, and in a moment began to laugh maniacally too, probably without even realizing why I was so happy, but I hardly even cared. The Computer's presence just seemed to hover between us, looking from one to the other and emanating confusion.

"Ooookay," it said, sounding disturbed. "I'm just gonna turn myself off up here, if that's okay. Er...come down to the labs if you need me."

He 'left.' I just kept laughing, uproariously, barely noticing his departure or caring at all. Who cared? Today was a holiday! It was No Dib Day, and I could not have been happier if I were piloting The Massive itself. The Dib was gone, gone forever, vanished, kaput, kablooie, dead--

"Oh!"

My laughter stopped abruptly; I doubled over, my eyeball twitching, my squiggledy-squooch suddenly twisted into a knot. I groaned. "GIR?!"

He stopped laughing abruptly. "Yeah?"

"What was in those waffles?"

"Irken stuff!"

"What _kind_of Irken stuff?"

"Uh...lemme see. There was some Irken flour, some Irken milk...some Irken deodorant, some Irken cheeze..."

"Ugh." I pushed the plate away, then straightened up as my organs slowly began to recover. I took a deep, shaky breath. "Ah well. I will not allow a little poisoning to interfere with my first full day without the Dib-stink." I jumped up. "I'm off to skool," I announced, pointing dramatically, my mouth once again twisting with an evil grin. "Somehow I get the feeling it's going to be a _lot_ more enjoyable today."

I chuckled as I walked away from the table, rubbing my hands together with glee, without any way of realizing how very wrong I was.

----------------------------------------------

"He is _so_ going to ask me out today."

"Zita, you're crazy."

"No, I'm serious, Sara! He totally is--"

"He is _not_ into you!"

Just then Ms. Bitters, the horrible hyuman (...or something) teacher, materialized through the wall into the room, glaring horribly at all the talking and chattering hyuman smeetlings. "Settle down and take your seats!" she snapped, mouth twisting into a hideous growl as she glided towards her desk.

Sara let out a squeak and ran to her own seat across the room, along with all the other hyumans who had been up and about, talking about their pitiful hyuman concerns. Ms. Bitters sat at her own large, imposing desk, leaning forward ominously over her papers to glare across the room at us all.

"Today, class, we are going to discuss how horrible each and every one of you is, and why I'm not getting paid nearly enough to put up with you all for eight hours a day. To begin, we shall--yes, Zim?"

I lowered my hand. "Excuse me, Ms. Bitters-monster. I was just wondering" I motioned over to the empty seat across the room next to the hyuman called Aki, "where is the hyuman Dib-beast today?"

Ms. Bitters narrowed her glare. "_What_are you talking about, Zim?" she demanded. The rest of the class was looking at me strangely too, eyebrows raised in a hyuman gesture of confusion.

I grinned, threw back my head again and began to laugh. I could sense the hyuman skool-beasts around me stir, mutter to themselves, but I could hardly care--my eyes kept snapping over to the empty chair across the room, the empty place where the Dib-monster normally sat, and each time they did I felt another burst of laughter explode in my squiggledy-squooch, I began to howl again just as I had in the kitchen--

When suddenly the door to the classroom burst open. I stopped abruptly, broken out of my reveries, and turned to the door.

"Huh?"

A hyuman child was standing in the doorway, one whom I did not recognize from my usual daily torture sessions in this class. He was a tall hyuman, taller than me (I thought in annoyance), with yellow hair atop his hideous hyuman head--it stood straight up like thousands of tiny, thin spines in a tear-drop shape, almost as if he had just endured a powerful electrical shock, but based on his uninjured appearance I had to conclude this was not the case. He wore a long, beige-colored trench coat, almost the same color as his hair, and a matching shirt and pants. The shirt had a picture of a hyuman face on it surrounded by flames; the way they went around the face's head almost seemed to imitate his flame-like hair.

I studied all this in a few seconds, inexplicably gaping. There was something very familiar about this boy...

"Louie, you're late," Ms. Bitters was saying, turning her glare from me to him.

"Sorry, Ms. B," he said smoothly, taking a step forward, his beige boots clicking slightly on the tiled floor. "BFiB attack downtown. Caught me up."

I had no idea what that meant, I had never heard of a "bee-fib" before. I could not tell if the Bitters-beast understood it; she merely growled, though her anger did not seem as horrible as I had seen it on other occasions of her students' lateness. "Just take your seat. You're interrupting today's very important lesson."

The boy--this "Louie"--inclined his head slightly, a nod, almost a little bow, and walked slowly into the room, every step a tiny _click_. The Zita-girl, I saw out of the corner of my eye, was watching the Louie closely--she batted her eyes and smiled hugely, giving a little wave. Louie seemed to return the gesture, his lips curving the smallest bit back as his eyes swept briefly over her grinning face. But then, as he walked by _my _desk, his eyes suddenly shot around, staring straight at me. His mouth turned into a strange, expressionless look, the small smiling suddenly reversing into the tiniest of tiny frowns.

I felt a sudden chill emanating from my PAK, as it absorbed this strange data and began to process it, its tendrils and circuits buzzing all throughout my body. It had lasted only a second, however--the Louie-hyuman had walked past me, then past Zita, and now took the empty seat beside Aki.

The one normally inhabited by the Dib-hyuman.

I felt another chill from my PAK.

Ms. Bitters began her Bitters-talking, which was usually horrible but could occasionally be enjoyable, what with her promises of hyumanity's immanent destruction; indeed, many of my plans had originated with her various lectures. Today, however, I could not tell if her speech was entertaining or not; my attention was fixed upon the Louie, watching him carefully out of the corner of my eyes.

The rest of the class, too, was ignoring the Bitters' lesson, as was usually the case; the Earth-monkeys began to pass notes, draw their horrible little pictures and let their pitiful minds wander into nothingness, unwilling to absorb her sagacious warnings of their immanent doom. The Louie-child, however, seemed to be paying a bit more attention than most; though he, too, allowed his attention to leave her, it returned every few moments, and he would watch her, perhaps even write down a note or two, before turning away to whisper something to one of his neighboring students. It was a bit odd, actually, though it took me a moment to place why--that seat's usual occupant had never spent time whispering in class, but hunched over his own notes, working alone.

As I inclined my head to get a better look at the new hyuman I saw that Keef, that oh-so-annoying child who sat in the back of the room, was waving towards the Louie-student enthusiastically, but Louie, seated so near the front, did not seem to notice. Finally Aki, rolling her eyes, elbowed him and pointed. Louie looked up, turned to Keef with a slightly amused look and waved back. Keef beamed.

Waving at the Keef? It was firm in my mind now— this child was either the bravest or most stupid hyuman I had ever met.

Suddenly he seemed to notice me watching him; he turned, and I quickly turned my head away, attempting to whistle in the manner hyumans do to indicate that they are perfectly normal and not plotting against you. Louie's eyes remained on me, however, as he leaned forward to Aki again and muttered something out of the corner of his mouth, raising his hand slightly to hide the move. She leaned towards him and muttered something back; I leaned forward in my own seat; straining both my eyes and my ears, I could just make out a few words, "laughing," "Zim" and "nuts."

I quickly looked away, glancing around the classroom, taking in the horrible children talking, the disturbing Bitters ranting, and the usual furniture and materials that were all around the room. Everything was normal. Everything was as it should be. Except for that boy sitting over there in the Dib's desk, the desk that should now be empty without the Dib to occupy it anymore.

My brow furrowed; I bent down over my desk, fingers tapping the edge unconsciously. What did this mean? Of course meddling with space-time could result in some unexpected consequences; that was one of the reasons it was illegal, after all. But who was this? I suppose it was possible that in this timeline the skool had simply added an extra student to a classroom slighter smaller than the one where the Dib resided, but still…I glanced at this new child out of the corner of my eye…there was something…unnerving about him. Something…horribly familiar.

"Agh!"

I let out a cry as I saw the projectile land on my desk, a small, triangular white device striped with blue lines. I drew back. A bomb! What was this?! Who dared attack Zim with this strange new weapon of—

Oh, wait. It was just a folded up piece of paper, one of those whatchacallits..."paper feetballs" the hyumans used. False alarm.

I tapped it cautiously with one gloved finger, then picked it up, worried for a moment it might indeed be some kind of trap cleverly disguised as a folded-up piece of notebook paper, sent by the Di--well, sent by someone for purposes of my immanent doom. When it failed to release its poisonous fumes or explode or anything interesting like that, I ripped it open quickly, glancing it over with such haste that it took my superior Irken mind a moment to actually take in the primitive hyuman writing.

_Good morning, Zim. Hear any good jokes lately?_

I stared at the words stupidly for a moment; even transliterated, they did not seem to make any sense. I spun around. And I realized very quickly who had been the one to throw it.

Louie was sitting back in his seat, smiling, arms folded over his flaming-headed shirt. His smile was inscrutable, his dark blue eyes narrowed the tiniest bit. He was, based on my vast and amazing knowledge of Earth expressions, smiling friendly at me, not unlike the way Keef had smiled across the room at him.

But it was also a smile that made blood-ice freeze onto the wires of my PAK.

I did not like this new kid, Louie. I did not like him one bit.

* * *

_Ah! And just when you thought that this story was actually going to stick to canon characters, now we have this little addition. It's "Dib in the PITS" all over again...which, I should add, has not updated in quite a bit._

I've been busy, you know. It'll update soon. And _you_ know about Louie--he's only about as much an OC as _you_ are.

_Hmm, that is true._

Anyway, readers, thanks for reading the story, and please leave reviews. Also be on the lookout for a "PITS" update in the next few days, and possibly a Labor Day one-shot if I have the time. Which I don't, but you'll probably wind up seeing it anyway.

_Yes, that will help you get your homework done._

I'm ignoring you now.

_Hmm. You realize you've become one of those annoying people who makes up alternate personalities of themselves and spends the author's notes talking to them, don't you?_

...

_Hmm-hmm. Well, once JoeMerl is unparalyzed, he'll get to work on those updates. Until then, gentle readers, go find some other idiotic tripe to read. Ta-ta._


	4. Fraternal Bonds

_Oh, lookie here--another chapter of this story, while JoeMerl's Journalism homework remains woefully incomplete. I'm sure Professor Goldschmidt will be proud. _

_JoeMerl is pleased to see so much interest in this story, and the speculations people are making in the reviews. He is so easily amused. And just to explain, in case one or two people did not understand--the letter Louie sent was in reference to Zim's insane laughing fit when he asked Ms. Bitters about Dib's absence. JoeMerl points that out a few paragraphs into the story, but just wanted to make that clear._

_Well, if you're excuse me, I have to go and beat the author with his textbooks until he actually gets around to reading them. It not that I care whether or not he fails academically--it's just I have nothing else to do._

* * *

Chapter Three  
Fraternal Bonds

_Dear Log:_

_Sitting in class right now, listening to Ms. Bitters go on about doom. Really must figure her out sometime, but at the moment I am still busy with Project Z, and now with Project D started...well, it will be a while before I get to her. She seems to pose no immediate threat to humankind, at least as long as we still have suicide hotlines and anti-depressants._

_Arrived to class late today. Was hoping to get some work done on Project D before skool started, but bus was attacked by a GFiB. Or GFiBS, however you write it. That's another project I want to start, but of course the SEN already has agents on that, not to mention the normal authorities. It was Dad's drones that wound up saving us, of course. I'll remember to thank him if I see him anytime soon._

_Random note: According to Aki, Subject Z asked Ms. Bitters about some kind of strange creature before I arrived. Something called a "dig-beast." Nobody could understand what he was talking about, apparently causing the subject to begin laughing insanely for unknown reasons. Whether or not this information is important is hard to determine, but my attempts to antagonize the subject about it seem to induce extreme anxiety. Though he did this in front of the rest of the class, perhaps I was not supposed to hear it? Will cross-reference data with SEN database later._

—Excerpt from the Log of Ajunt Mofman, dated 25 August, 10:25 AM.

* * *

The bell rang. Ms. Bitters did not seem to notice, and continued her word-speakings, which had somehow descended into a rant about the hyuman economy and how their monies would soon be so worthless people would have to capture Earth-rats to use as toilet paper, or something; in any event, the class merely all stood with the bell and began to file out, leaving the Bitters-thing to continue her rant alone in the empty and darkened classroom. I wondered vaguely if she would notice.

I kept my eye on the Louie as he rose from his seat, grabbed his things and loaded them into his back-PAK. In a moment, though, I found it hard to keep my eyes on him; after a mere three paces from his desk, a crowd of kids were around him, walking with him to lunch.

"Hey Louie!" Keef said, his eyes as wide as his grin.

"Heeeey Lou," Zita said, stepping forward as he passed her desk. She blinked a few times at him in what seemed to be a deliberate way, but one I was unable to interpret. She was joined by Sara, who rolling her eyes, and a few other students. I held back for a bit and then followed from a short distance behind them all, straining my antennae and PAK microphones to hear.

"Hey Keef," the Louie-boy said, punching the annoying child on the arm. At first I thought I may have misjudged his strangeness--punching Keef was certainly a common activity among the skoolchildren, and a perfectly understandable one as well--before I saw from his expression that it was clearly meant to be a friendly gesture. Hyumans do that sometimes, bizarrely--use violence as a form of affection. A fact I had learned from watching the hyuman entertainment and news programs, which often spoke of mates and biological relatives attempting to kill one another.

"Hey, do you wanna sit me with me at lunch today? My mom packed me tuna fish sandwiches, we could trade snacks and it would be so much fun!"

"Oh, sorry, Keef, I can't, I--"

"--will sitting with _me _and Sara at _our_table, right?" Zita said, suddenly spinning around so that she was walking backwards in front of Louie, smiling at him while sending Keef a look that could have frozen a Slor-beast in its slime trail. Keef's smile faltered slightly at the look, a fact that gave me a sudden swelling of affection for Zita.

Louie gave a small, nervous smile. "Uh, sorry, Zita. I'm sitting with family today." He shrugged in an apologetic kind of way. Zita sulked, falling back to allow him to pass her. Keef quickly ran up to replace her at Louie's side.

"Ooh! Can I sit with you guys today?" he asked excitedly; I could have sworn I almost saw tears forming in his huge brown eyes. It was rather disturbing.

"Uh...if you want to risk it."

"Yay!" Keef said, balling his hands together in front of his chest and nearly jumping with glee. Louie's mouth curved into another one of those small smiles; he looked, if I had to judge his expression, amused.

_Clearly not normal,_I thought. Unless this Louie was plotting some sort of clever trap for the Keef-beast to fall into, this was, I thought, an unpresedented and ridiculous action--inviting the Keef to one's table, allowing him to sup with you during your few moments of peace in the day! I knew from experience how foolish it was to show him any affection. I watched with narrowed eyes as the Louie, still smiling and listening to Keef's inane blather, put his arm around the smaller boy's shoulder for a brief pat on the back.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

We reached the hyuman feeding facility, where Keef, instead of disappearing with his inferior bag of inferior Earth-food to join his equally-inferior geek-friends at the inferior table designated to them as a sign of their inferiority, stood beside the lunch line and followed Louie as he progressed through it to the place where where the skool-monster distributed foods to those willing to eat their disgusting garbage. I arranged that Zita as well as a few other hyumans should be between myself and the Louie, but that I could still be close enough to hear what he was saying with relative ease.

Unfortunately, they did not say much, at least of any note; the only thing I was able to deduce was more startling evidence that Louie and the Keef-creature had some sort of non-one-wanting-to-kill-the-other relationship. By the time Louie had reached the front of the lunch line, the two of them were planning a sleep-over at the Keef-monster's house. A _sleep-over! _This Louie was apparently willing to go and spend an entire twelve hours (_or more!_) at the house of the Keef and his equally-annoying parents and brother. Clearly, I decided, he was completely insane.

Of course, the Dib had been insane too, if in different ways.

The Louie received his disgusting food; he spoke to the large and ugly female food-slave for a moment; I heard something about "new color" and "shame that net hides it," and the drone's sour expression gave way to a small smile before she put an extra cube of green jelly-goo on his tray. He smiled and moved away, Keef running joyously behind him, to the other side of the lunch room. I followed him with my eyes as best I could, but the pair soon vanished in the herd of chattering Earth-monkeys.

"I said, what do you want?!"

"Whuh?!"

I had reached the front of the food-line without noticing; the large, imposing woman standing behind the counter was glaring down at me, her serving spoon in her hand. I gulped.

"I would like..." I looked down at my choices "some of the disgusting green goop with some of the Vosgarian horcix blubber, please."

She raised the lid of one beady eye. "You mean the mashed potatos?"

"Uh, sure. Why not? And, uh--" I decided on an experiment, remembering what the Louie had done "--might I add that your arm-hair looks particularly thick and coarse this fine morning?"

I gave her my widest, most Keef-like smile. She gave me an inscrutable look and let my glop and horcrix blubber fall onto my plate, splattering onto my face. I winced slightly at the tiny burns of hyuman food.

"Hmm," I muttered, turning away with my tray in hand. I began to walk in the direction that Keef and the Louie had gone. About halfway across the cafeteria, I suddenly saw Keef soar over my head through the air, coming to crash on top of a table several feet away, splattering its shocked occupants with food.

Deducing that following Keef's trajectory was a good way to start looking, I walked in the direction he had flown from, just as the Elliott-hyuman had run up to help Keef up and bring him to the skool infirmary. I soon located Louie in a corner of the cafeteria that seemed mostly empty; I took that advantage to snap up the unoccupied table right behind him, so that I had a perfect vantage point of the back of his head. He was alone at his table with one other person, but I could not see them, as Louie's body was blocking it from view.

"...wouldn't do that. Now look!" Louie turned slightly--I ducked under the table quickly, but he was motioning instead across the room at Keef, who was practically being carried out of the cafeteria by the hyuman teacher.

"Whatever," came another voice, almost a growl. "If he wouldn't be so damn _annoying_ all the time--"

"He's my best friend," Louie said, a bit hotly, turning back to the unseen person. "I wish you'd show him some respect."

The person laughed; I had to agree with them, the idea of giving Keef "respect" was rather ridiculous.

"Louie, he has the IQ of a GFiB and spends his whole day shooting me moon-eyes. I'm not going to _respect_Keef."

"Well, you could at least be nice to him," Louie said. He sounded sulky. Almost like Dib, I thought, with another unconscious wince. "He's always nice to you."

"Yeah, yeah. And why don't I just _marry_ him while I'm at it, then?"

My antennae perked up a bit under my wig; I leaned forward, trying desperately to see through Louie's ridiculously large hair style, but to no avail. Who was this hyuman he was speaking with? I could not recognize the voice, that low growl, but it did seem vaguely familiar. It was a female, apparently--at least I thought so. This "marriage," I knew, was some sort of mating ritual, so presumably it must have been a girl Keef would have one with; still, though, with hyumans you can never tell, the House Computer's forays into the hyuman Innernets had unearthed some very strange things. I remembered this was supposed to be some sort of relative of Louie's--I leaned forward, wishing I could see...

"I'm not saying that." A pause, then his annoyed tone softened. "Although, if you wanted to--"

"Shut up now, Louie."

"Oh, come on! I'm not saying you have to, like, _date_ him or whatever--I mean, yeah, I'll admit, that idea _is_ a little creepy--but you should just...be nicer to him. Just a little. Get to know him." Louie took a bite of his horrible Earth-food. "I think he'd be good for you."

"Good for me _how,_ Louie?"

I saw another of his tiny smiles form on the corner of his lip that I could see. "Well, he might teach you to add some color to your wardrobe, for one..."

The girl scoffed; there was a pause. "I would rather date your little _alien ff_friend than Keef," she said finally, before I heard her take a bite out of her meal.

I felt my heart skip a beat; a tiny shock came through my PAK wires to restore it to its proper function. _Alien friend._ Did this mean that my suspicions about the Louie were correct?

"I'm leaving," the girl said suddenly, standing up; even then I could only see the top of her black hair above Louie's large hairdo. She turned with her tray and walked away.

I abandoned my untouched tray of Earth filth, jumped up and followed her out of the cafeteria.

"Excuse me! Excuse me!"

The girl either did not hear me or did not care to look. I ran after her without thinking, determined to collect any clue I could as to the identity of this Louie. I reached her and grabbed her shoulder. "Excuse me, Louie-friend-hyuman?"

She turned around, glaring. "_What?_" she snarled.

"I would just like to--" I froze and did a double-take, mouth falling open. _"Gaz-hyuman?!"_

She glared back, annoyed.

I looked more closely, narrowing my eyes. Yes, it was the Gaz-hyuman, definitely, but I had failed to realize it at first, because she looked quite different from how she was when I had usually seen her. Her purple hair was now streaked with black like some sort of striped animal, though still in the same disturbing shape, like the skull of some beast with its lower jaw removed and worn like a hat. Her dress was also different, but its differences were subtle--it was still black, without any sleeves, but while she usually wore some gray article under it that covered her arms, and red garments to cover her feet, now both were black as well, giving her an overall even darker appearance. The areas around her eyes seemed darker--it looked almost like the injuries hyumans call "black eyes," but I realized after a moment that it was "make-up;" just as hyumans use violence to show affection, so they seem to imitate injuries for aesthetic reasons. As she turned her skull-shaped pendent swung around her neck; it looked somehow different, in some subtle way I couldn't quite figure out. She was also wearing small ornaments on her ears, as some hyuman females did, that had the same look as the necklace.

For a moment I was flabbergasted; I gaped, and her narrow-eyed, frustrated look grew darker. "_Well?_"

"Um--uh--h-how are you today?" I asked, forcing a smile onto my face, unsure of what to say.

Her look was not as friendly. "Ugh. You're that stupid friend of Louie's, aren't you?" she asked, walking towards the trash can and dumping out her food. I rushed after her again, my brain and PAK racing for some way to respond.

"Friend? Why, yes! I am Louie's friend, if that's what you're willing to believe. And speaking of which, how do you know Louie, eh? _Tell me!_"

"Ugh. He's my brother?" she said, in that sarcastic tone hyumans reserve for saying what they think should be patently obvious for everyone to see.

I stopped in my tracks; she kept walking. I gaped after her. "_Brother?_"

"Yeah, brother. Don't they have those on your planet, Zim?" she asked, not looking back as she stomped off down the hall.

I stood frozen for a moment, unable to speak. "But--but--that doesn't make any sense!" I cried, grabbing at my wig and nearly tearing it off in frustration, almost forgotting that I could not show my antennae no matter how angry I was. "The Dib is your brother, your only brother! How could you have another one now just because I--_AGH!_"

Suddenly I was thrown against the cold, hard wall of the skool building, and the Gaz-hyuman was holding me there, her face much closer to mine than my feet were to the ground. "_What_ did you say?" she hissed, her eyes, always narrowed to almost nothing, now slightly more open just so she could narrow them again in a somehow more horrifying way.

"I--I didn't--"

"Dib died years before you even came to this planet. Where did you hear that name, huh? _Where?!_"

She suddenly shook my roughly--I let out a cry and kicked impotently, feeling my wig slide a few inches down my face, feeling the tip of one antenna exposed to the open air. I stared down at Gaz's twisted face, more scared of her then than I had ever been before. I was used to Gaz's anger, I had seen it plenty of times before--indeed, usually directed at the Dib-stink, which made it often a rather enjoyable activity to watch. This, however, was different--she looked crazy this time, half-mad, like an animal--

"I--augh--" Her hand was pressing against my neck so hard, I found it hard to breathe; I felt my PAK's vents open up, trying desperately to suck in some air, felt my squiggledy-squooch burn in my abdomen. "I--uh--Louie!" I cried, grabbing at the first lie my screaming brain could find. "The Louie told me about him, mentioned--something..."

For a moment she simply stood there, hand against my neck, my feet dangling uselessly off the floor, her eyes searching me for some sign of falsehood. Suddenly she let me drop--I fell to the floor, hard, panting, feeling my brain and squiggledy-squooch cry out in relief as the putrid Earth-air filled them with precious nutrients.

"Huh. That does sound like something Louie would do," Gaz muttered, looking away thoughtfully. I breathed a sigh of relief--just in time for her to spin back around, jabbing me suddenly in the chest. I let out a cry and backed up against the wall again, watching in fear as her face resumed its rage. "But let's get one thing straight, okay, Space-Boy? There is only a very small number of people who get to say that name in my presence, and you are _NOT_ one of them. So you just forget you ever heard it or we're gonna have some trouble. _GOT IT?!_" she demanded, jabbing me again.

"Yes--yes! I got it. Ma'am," I added quickly, as she continued to loom over me threateningly.

Gaz kept her eyes on me, then spun on her heels and stormed away. As she did I once again noticed the skull necklace hopping up and down against her chest, familiar yet somehow different. I stood against the wall for a moment, watching her retreat; only when she had turned the corner of the hall did I dare to turn and run away.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"But this just doesn't make any sense," I muttered, scratching at my wig, wanting desperately to pull it off and air out my antennae so that I could think more clearly.

"Er--by the Kablooie!" I cursed, trying to squeeze the answer out of my brain, but to no avail; there simply was no logical explanation that I could think of. Dib and Gaz had been a pair of siblings in the old timeline, two and only two. Now Dib was gone, but Gaz had _another _brother in this new timeline. But how? HOW?! It simply made no sense!

Hmm...could their father, the Membrane, perhaps have had another child in this timeline, one who did not exist in the world before I altered it? Perhaps...but it did not seem likely. For one, the Membrane had no mate that I knew of, and hyuman reproduction would require a second person to aid Membrane in the Louie's creation. And beside, hyumans did not age that quickly--as far as I could tell, Louie was the same age as Dib had been, so long ago--er, yesterday?--when I had first used the time machine. But even if my very first change in the timeline had resulted in the Louie's creation--replacing Dib's primitive land vehicle as he rode it, causing the loss of his right arm--he should not have been so old, he should have been younger than Gaz. And the time machine could not work retroactively--the past could not be changed from a point before a change occurred.

"So what is the answer?!" I screamed, startling two children standing by their lockers as I stormed towards the exit, clawing out chunks of my wig as I went.

Whatever it was, I was going to find out.

* * *

_Hmm. So you just gave him Dib's old family, did you? Didn't bother creating something original or that makes any sense?_

I'm sorry, last chapter weren't you complaining that I made OCs _too much?_

_(SLAP!)_

OW!

_Oh, that's always fun. Anyway, gentle idiots, you can look for another update of this dung-heap fairly soon--or not, since JoeMerl has no idea what's going to happen next._

That's not true! If anything, I have _too many _ideas about what's going to happen next, I just need to sort--

_(SLAP!)_

STOP DOING THAT!

_Heh-heh. Well, be on the lookout for the next update; it will likely come after yet another horrible chapter in the "PITS" story, since JoeMerl actually has a _plan _for that one. And he knows you're all so desperate to find out if Mary Sue bites the dust. He's also thinking about updating "Endorsements of the Doomed," and maybe writing a few one-shots for either this or another fandom. Funny how his creative juices get so high whenever his pile of schoolwork does, eh?_

_In any event, leave your horrible little reviews and see you later. Bye._


	5. Family Portraits

_Huh? What's this? An_ update?_ Well, _there's_ something we haven't seen in a while. Lately your author has been dealing with a bad case of being a hack, and thus has been slow to update both this and the "PITS" story (though "Endorsements of the Doom" got a nice break from its eternal hiatus). He has been alternating his time between trying to decide what to do in this story and worrying about how inadequate the other seems, and thus has done little actual writing, though he finally did manage to force himself to finish this chapter. Further updates will come as his neurosis dictates. Until then, enjoy this chapter if your minds are feeble enough do so. Don't leave any reviews, though; that might just encourage him to write _more,_ after all._

* * *

Chapter Four  
Family Portraits

AUGUST 25, PRESENT, 15:17:25

As the skoolchildren flew out of the building and down the steps in their desperate mission to get home, the three alien figures lay hidden in the bushes, watching between the leaves for their prey to appear.

"_Where is he?_" one grumbled, crossing its tendrils over its body in annoyance. "_When is he supposed to be here?_"

"_Here he is now,_" one of its companions said, speaking in its deep, baritone voice and pointing with a glowing appendage.

The three watched; straggling behind the more simpleminded members of their race, walking calmly and casually, came two human children. One was female, short, with dark and sinister black-and-purple hair; the other male, taller, older, with very long hair that stood straight up.

"_Is that him? That's our target?_"

"_Yeees,_" drawled the third creature, watching as the two walked down the skoolhouse steps. "_One of the many unintended consequences of the Irken's meddling in the timeline. He will be crucial to the completion of our plans."_

"_Should we approach him, then?_"

"_Not yet. __We must remain cautious of making any risky changes to this timeline, lest we exacerbate the problems created by the Irken Zim. The child Louie is more competent than the rest of his moronic species, perhaps even more so than the one he has replaced. For now we shall watch and wait, and see what transpires of its own accord._"

"_...But that's_ boring."

"_Oh, _shut up,_ **Juan,**_" the lead alien muttered, slapping his companion soundly across the face.

* * *

AUGUST 25, 15:20:00  
LOUIE'S POV

"...so anyway, this is a really big night."

"Yeah, it sounds _so_enthralling," Gaz muttered. She had taken out her Game Slave, playing _Vampire Piggy Hunter_yet again. Her lip curled into a savage smile with every chupa-hog-ra she slayed.

I scowled. "Gaz, if I can get the Eyeballs to believe me about Zim--"

"They haven't believed you yet."

I scowled. An anti-GFiBS tank rolled down the street, and I glanced back at it, reading the screen attached to its back. LAST GFiBS SITING: DOWNTOWN, 9:00 AM. That was the one that had attacked my bus; that was good, at least there were no new ones to deal with for a while. Wondering for a moment why they bothered using the grammatically correct "s" on GFiB if they were just going to misspell "sighting," I turned back to Gaz.

"It's not that they haven't _believed_ me. It's just that I can't seem to get any proof. I mean, it's so _obvious_that he's an alien, but when it comes down to getting hard evidence...if only I had captured one of his laser weasels, or something...still, though, the DNA samples from Peepi might do the trick. There has to be some way to prove those modifications came from alien technology."

"That still doesn't prove it was Zim."

I glared. "Who _else_ could it have been?"

She shrugged apathetically. I knew she didn't care much about Zim--or anything, really. Gaz could turn apathy into an art form, almost a way of life.

Suddenly her eyes narrowed. "But while we're on the subject of _Zim,_" and suddenly her voice turned even more into a growl, her eyes flashing angrily, "I'd like it if you didn't go around telling personal family stuff to all your weird little friends."

"What do you mean?"

"He mentioned _Dib _today."

"_Dib?_" I raised an eyebrow. "Why would he mention Dib? How would he even know about Dib? He never met him."

"He says that _you_ told him."

"Huh?"

I frowned, thinking hard. "I never mentioned Dib to him," I mumbled, replaying our various confrontations in my mind. "I don't think so, anyway. We're not exactly chummy, you know, and I don't just go talking about things like that to just anybody."

"Well, where _did_ he hear it, then?"

"I dunno," I said, rubbing my chin. "Maybe Keef?"

I knew instantly that was the wrong thing to say; as she turned her head to the side and I saw her eyes glinter maliciously, I realized that I had probably doomed my friend to a slow and painful death with that comment.

"Er...probably _not _Keef, actually," I said quickly. "I dunno. But I'm pretty sure _I _never told him."

"Well, why did he say you did?"

It was a good question, and one I didn't have an answer to. Another weird fact about him to file away in my mind.

We walked on in silence. After a few minutes Gaz seemed to calm down, somewhat, and returned to her game. I cleared my throat.

"And speaking of Dib..."

"What?" Her voice was a growl again.

I coughed awkwardly. "Well...you know. Yesterday was...that day. Not sure if you noticed."

That was a lie; of course she had noticed. There was a reason she had been extra moody the last several days. It was an annual cycle. Her eyes glared at me, and I knew I was skating on very thin ice.

"Did you...go...and see him...yesterday?"

Her eyes returned to her game. "I never go on weekdays, you know that," she said in a low voice, fingers dancing over the buttons of her game. "I'll go sometime this weekend."

I nodded. "Maybe I'll go, too. You know, on my own." I knew Gaz would not want me there when she paid her own respects.

She scoffed, rolling her eyes to the sky. "I don't know why you bother," she muttered. "You never even met him."

She sped up, walking on ahead of me, as if she had suddenly stopped noticing that I was even there.

"True," I called, answering to myself about as much as to her. "But that doesn't mean we're not family, does it?"

Gaz had no answer for that.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I had a small chore to complete before I could go to my Eyeball meeting: getting Dad to sign the permission slip. Which meant I had to visit him at work. Which could be a bit problematic at times.

Which is the short version of how I found myself sitting in a giant robotic spider, dressed cap-a-pie in body armor, staring down an obsessively nerdy Membrane fan from across a battle arena, my hands tightening on the levers before me.

"I really, really, _really_ need to get my security clearance updated," I muttered, shaking my head, pulling the lever towards me with a rush of robotic motion.

My cyb-arachno-droid reared onto its back legs and launched itself forward at my opponent, slamming him into the wall with a loud and angry crash. I could see his eyes grow wide in horror as I deftly swiveled the joystick in one hand, sending slashing legs against the metal hull of his robot.

"_Aaaggghhh!_" He pressed the buttons in front of him wildly, but to no avail. In a minute it was over--my bot lifted his with four of its eight legs and sent it flying against the wall, smashing it into pieces and bringing a large and nasty explosion from the fuel tank. I saw my opponent roll out of the wreckage, burnt and coughing.

"_And the winner is Louie Fletcher! All losers leave the arena now._"

I let out a sigh and clambered out of my robot, as medical and engineering workers rushed forward to deal with my opponent and his smashed machine. I quickly pulled off my helmet, shaking my hair and trying to tug it back into shape, as Dad's obsessive fan was picked up and carried onto a stretcher, moaning feebly.

"Hey--good match!" I called, as the medics carried him toward the door and out of the arena. He sat up just high enough to send me the evil eye before vanishing out the door.

I sighed, finished stripping off my body armor, and left the arena for my dad's office.

"Why'd they build a stupid battle-mech arena in a science lab anyway?" I mumbled, shaking my head as I walked down the echoing tiled hall. I had heard somewhere that they had originated the idea for Dad's TV show, but the idea got canceled when it went on indefinite hiatus. Apparently they thought they could use the battles as bonus materials for the DVDs or something. Someone seemed to have liked the idea, though, enough to install it in Membrane Labs instead. It only struck me as a pointless inconvenience.

I found his Dad's office fairly easily, knocked, waited for an answer that did not come, turned the knob and entered. The lights were off.

"Dad?" I called, clicking them on. "You in here?" It wasn't unknown for him to be working in the dark, hunched over his desk with only some tiny light source to see by.

Not today, though; the large, spacious office/lab was deserted. I walked cautiously into the room, boots clicking on the linoleum. Even with the lights on the place was dimly lit, just illuminating the clutter that crowded the room. Dad wasn't much of a housekeeper, I thought, foot kicking a random blueprint as I made my way for the desk.

I sat down in Dad's large chair and spun around slightly, wondering what he should do--just stay here and wait for him, or go and try to find him? I only had a limited time before the meeting...I sighed and stared down at my father's desk, wondering if there could be any clue to his whereabouts there. No; nothing but pages full of endless calculations, blueprints, formulae...oh, look, a month-old cancellation notice for _Probing the Membrane of Science. _That was a bit sad, but then, it had been on "indefinite hiatus" for three years now...my eyes swept over the rest of the mess swiftly, then stopped as they caught sight of the far edge of the desk, the only neat spot, and the single item that stood there.

It was a framed picture. I reached out and picked it up without thinking, leaning back to better catch the light. It was a family portrait--Dad standing in the back, in his lab coat as always, looking away in a vague, distracted sort of way; even through the goggles you could tell he wasn't really there. Standing in front of him on the left side of the picture was Gaz, arms crossed, face dark and moody as always, a dangerous shadow over her eyes. And standing next to her and a bit away, straight-backed and awkward, was an eight-year-old boy with greasy dirty-blond hair that fell over his face and a pale, scared expression, blue eyes staring out in a nervous and haunted sort of way.

"Is that really what I used to look like?" I stared at the strange, peaky child in the photo. I frowned at the hair; it was lank and flat in this picture, hanging down in hunks as if weighed down by all the dirt and grease that used to cover it. It had been a few weeks after that that it was clean enough for him to start spiking...

I placed the picture carefully back down, then leaned back in the chair again, thinking. Maybe I should go and look for Dad--but what if Dad came back while I was? I decided to leave a note--that might work, then if Dad found it he could know to go and look for me--Louie searched around the desk for a piece of blank paper and a pen, digging through the mess again--I grimaced in annoyance, then turned to Dad's drawers and began to search--

I froze at the first drawer, then reached cautiously inside.

"Huh."

It was another family photo, nearly identical to the first. There was Dad, though this time he was looking forward, eyes twinkling--_visible_, even, I realized--was that the first time I had seen him, in either real life or photo, without goggles? (His eyes were brown, like Gaz's. Somehow that surprised me.) There was Gaz, looking outlandish with a pink bow in her hair, eyes half-rolled but not nearly as dark and ominous as they normally. And next to her, with her hand carelessly and thoughtlessly holding his elbow, was a boy who was, very obviously, not me.

"Dib," I muttered, licking my lips.

Somehow our photographic selves wound up looking very alike and very different at the same time. Both were pale, for one, and both had messy hair, though there was a vast difference between my blond hair and Dib's, which looked uncannily like Dad's, including the weird part that stuck up and swept to the back. Both looked kind of scared, though in different ways--I had been wide-eyed, staring, while Dib looked cautious and somewhat paranoid. While I had been straight-backed and stiff, his oxygen tank kept him bent forward like a hunchback. He looked prematurely old, with wrinkles and liver spots all over his face. One hand, just visible in this picture, was no hand at all, but the robotic claw that had replaced his real hand after his first major accident at the age of three.

But the scene of the pictures was almost identical. Indeed, I could tell they had been taken mere months apart.

The door opened behind me. I jumped as Dad came running into the room. The picture was back in place and the drawer was slammed shut in a second. "D-D-Dad--"

He didn't seem to notice me; he walked across the room to one of his many tables, digging around anxiously, muttering to himself. "Where are those blasted...ah, here we go." He removed a paper full of complex calculations, looked it over briefly, then turned to leave.

"Dad?"

"Ah!" He spun around, blinking through his goggles. It seemed a moment before he was able to focus properly. "Oh," he said flatly. "It's you. What are you doing here, child?"

He looked a wreck, I thought--even from the little bit of his face visible I could tell he hadn't slept in several days, and his long black hair was shaggy and disheveled. It had been a while since I'd last seen him in person--two months? Maybe three. I cleared my throat, reaching into my pocket. "I, uh--I have this permission slip I need you to sign--"

"Oh. Alright," he said distractedly, pulling out a pen from the breast pocket of his coat. He scribbled quickly onto the paper without even looking at it before handing it back to me. He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Is that all?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Alright then." He turned with his calculations to leave.

"Uh, Dad?"

"Yes?" He turned again.

"When do you think the next time you'll be home'll be?"

He seemed taken aback. "What? Oh...it's hard to say, child. I have a lot to do...I'm working on a lot of new and very important inventions right now, I have three diseases to cure by next week, and I'm still working on the GFiBS problem, of course...it could be awhile. But, um...hopefully I'll see you and your sister soon."

"Ah. Alright."

He paused for a moment; I suddenly considered asking him if _he _knew what the previous day had been, but with a glance towards the closed desk drawer I decided against it. I was willing to bet he knew. He turned and quickly swept out of the office. "Have fun on your field trip, child," he said distractedly. I grimaced and sighed.

I lingered for another moment in his office, then caught sight of the clock. It was already almost 6. I didn't have much time.

I pocketed my permission slip and slipped out of the building. I had to go home before the meeting. I had my evidence on Zim to collect.

* * *

Next chapter, back to Zim, and some questions will get answered. Now, though, I should go do homework, or something. Please leave reviews, positive or negative or whatever. Thanks.


	6. Very Good

_Hello there, human morons. **Mike **here with your newest update from that master of hackery, JoeMerl. He intended to update yesterday for the one month anniversary, but wasted time, so, what can you do? He is at least keeping up with this story, if not the important things in his life. Like his GPA._

_Before we begin our tale, however, we have a question from Invaderzimfannumber1:_

"I have so many questions. Are you doing this out of order because 'Battle-Dib' came before 'Bad, Bad Rubber Piggy' and 'Hamstergeddon' came after."

_This question initially threw JoeMerl off a bit, as he had specifically checked this facts using the most high-tech methods available to him (-cough-wikipedia-cough-). Another look and he realized the problem: the episode "Hamstergeddon"_ aired _prior to "Bad, Bad Rubber Piggies," but in terms of_ production number_ comes after (hence being listed that way on DVDs and such). So, for the purposes of this story's continuity, you readers have three options:_

_1.) Realize the author of this story is a hack (as if we didn't know that)__,_

_2.) Just decide that airing dates are canon over production,_

_or_

_3.) Conclude that Zim's altering of the timeline somehow made the events of "Hamstergeddon" happen earlier than they should have. As we will continue to see throughout this tale, Zim's foolish actions have caused a _lot _of unintended consequences._

_(Of course there's also option #4: stop paying so much attention to the tiny details of an idiotic show when not even its _creator _gives a damn anymore, but I'm past the point of expecting such rationality from any of _you_ people.)_

_So, there's your answer, IZFan#1. Kudos on offering further proof to the inadequacy of this story's writer. So, enjoy your undate, readers. _

_Or don't. Either way, to be honest, I couldn't care less._

* * *

Chapter Five  
Very Good

AUGUST 25, PRESENT, 15:25:00  
ZIM'S POV

"_COM-PU-TER!_"

"Huh?" The living room lights snapped on as I slammed the door. "Whuzgoinon?"

I glared. "Were you sleeping?!"

"No! I was just...er, resting my sensors."

"Agh! Whatever!" I marched into the kitchen, peeling off my imitation hyuman eyes and throwing my wig angrily to the floor, raising my antennae--finally they were able to breathe again. "Activate the toilet lift. I need to get down into the lab. And get me some chips! I need a snack after my day."

"Whatever."

I climbed into the toilet. A moment later I was descending into the lower levels of the base.

"So, I take it skool didn't go too well today?"

"It went _horrible! HORRIBLE!_"

"Ah, geez. I'm not deaf. And you mean _horribly_. See, that's why you get such bad grades in English."

The lift reached the lab; as soon as I exited a tube shot down to shoot a bag of chips directly into my eye. As I was cursing in horrible _pain_ GIR came running up to me, clutching a piece of horrible Earth-meat to his glowing blue chest.

"Hi, Masteh! How was skool today? We had fun here. I made a turkey! His name's Gulliver. He's a turkey!" he added, holding "Gulliver" up to me with a broad grin on his face.

I growled and slapped the Earth-bird out of his hand; it fell to the floor with a _SPLAT._"We have no time for turkeys, GIR!" I declared, snatching my bag of chips off the floor and ripping it open. I shoved a big handful into my mouth. "We haf a new freat to our mission to 'eal wit!" I swallowed, pointing into the air. "A new and possibly deadly threat!"

"Aw, man," GIR said, picking up Gulliver. I neither knew nor cared if he was referring to what I said or his now-dirty poultry.

The Computer sighed. "So, what happened? Did Louie destroy one of your 'brilliant' plans again?"

"No, it's not that! It's this new kid, Louie, and he--" I froze in midsentence, looking up at the ceiling slowly. "_You know about Louie?!_" I cried, eyes growing wide with amazement.

"Uh...y-yeah?"

"_How?!_"

"You...talk about him? Like, uh...all the time?"

"But--what..."

My voice trailed off; I gaped at the Computer in astonishment. "You're not affected by the time-shift," I muttered, turning to look slowly away.

"The huh?"

"Yes, of course." I was cognizant of the change; I had been behind it, after all. But just like Gaz or Louie himself, the Computer obviously did not realize anything was remiss. Which actually worked out perfectly for me.

"COM-PU-TER!"

"Agh! I'm sorry, didn't we already go over that 'I'm not deaf' topic today?"

"Tell me about this Louie-hyuman! Tell me everything you know! I desire datas!"

I raised my finger to point at him--or some part of him, since he was, after all, the majority of this room. He paused for a moment, then slowly asked, "Why?"

"JUST DO IT!"

"Okay, okay! Jeez...um, he's a kid in your class? Four-foot-something, probably five-something if you count the hair, blue eyes, usually wears a trench coat...?"

I tapped my foot impatiently, arms crossed. "And?"

"And...I think you once said he likes...pudding?"

"NO!"

"Yes you did! Remember, you said that he ate, like, five pudding cups at lunch that day, and you were gonna try to poison all the pudding in the world to turn all the pudding-liking-humans into zombie slaves--"

"No! I mean, who is he?! Where did he come from?! Why is he here when he wasn't before, and why has he suddenly taken that stupid horrible Dib-monkey's place?!"

I bent over, panting with rage, feeling my PAK work to lower my suddenly-risen blood pressure. The Computer was silent again. Then it finally said, "What was that about a monkey?"

"GRRRR!"

"Yeah?"

"No, not you, GIR!"

"Oh. Never mind, then." He turned back to his quiet game on the floor, moving Gulliver's turkey-legs to make him seem to be walking while humming a little tune under his breath.

"The Dib-monkey! That horrible hyuman child who is always messing up all of my brilliant plans! I used my time machine" I motioned to it across the room "to send rubber piggies into the past, three years ago, before we even arrived here, finally destroying the Dib-stink for good! But NOW, _NOW,_ there's some new child who has simply come and taken his place, completely RUINING the whole point of annihilating my opponent!"

I threw myself into my work chair, crossing my arms sullenly. Behind me, Gulliver suddenly exploded; I ground my teeth as I felt small, burning globs of turkey-meat hit me on the back of my head.

"So...wait," the Computer said slowly. "You're saying that you used to have _another _kid ruining all your plans, but that you altered the timeline to get rid of him, three years ago...but now Louie's here as some kind of, like, replacement?"

"YES! Exactly?"

There was a pause. "So...you killed an eight-year-old boy?"

"_Yes..._"

"Wow. That's...kinda low, Zim."

I jumped up, pointing at the Computer's main screen angrily. "HEY! Do not question me! Besides, he was eight in _hyuman_ years. That's like, what--fifty-seven in Standard Interplanetary Time?"

"...Zim, Earth time and Standard Interplanetary Time are, like, exactly the same."

"Oh. Well, in Irken years--"

"An Irken year is _ten_ Earth-years long."

"Oh, whatever!" I threw up my hands, spilling chips onto the floor. "He was a threat to the mission, I had to eliminate him." I shoved another handful of chips into my mouth and swallowed. "But now, when I've _finally_ managed to find a way to kill him, I--_aaauuuggghhh_."

I doubled over, dropping the bag onto the floor, clutching my stomach painfully; my squiggledy-squooch doubled up again like it had that morning. "GIR! Did you put cheezy deodorant in the chips, too?!"

"Uh...I don't think so."

"Well, don't do it again!"

"Okay!" And he went back to his turkey game.

I straightened up, groaning. I kicked angrily at the chips. If GIR didn't stop mutilating all the food... "But now, in this new timeline, when I am supposed to be basking in the amazing Diblessness, I instead find out there is a new hyuman onto my wicked plans!" I spun around to point at the Computer. "COMPUTER!"

"Okay, if you yell like that one more time, I'm turning off my auditory sensors, okay? I mean, as it is I can hear the neighbor's cat getting it on three blocks away--"

"I don't care what the cat is getting! Just tell me about this Louie! He's onto me, isn't he? He knows about my mission, my plans?! He knows that I am not any pathetic Earth-weasel at all but an amazing Zimy Invader of Zimitude, yes?!"

"Uh...yeah. Kinda."

"AGH!" I grabbed my antennae, pulling them in frustration. "Just what I need! _Another_ Earth-child who knows about me! By the Kablooie!"

"Well, it's not so bad," the Computer said reasonably. "I mean, it's not like he's ever figured it out for sure, or anything."

"Oh, what I am going to--huh?" I spun around, eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?! What do you mean, he hasn't figured it out?!"

"Well, he...hasn't? Exactly."

"But you just said he knows!"

"Well...yeah. I mean, he _knows..._but he doesn't _know. _You know?"

"...No."

"Well, I mean--it's not like he's ever gotten _proof._ I mean, he _suspects..._but he doesn't _know._ Not completely."

I stared at him. "How much does he know, exactly?" I asked slowly.

"Aw, geez--_we_ don't know for sure? I just mean, like--like remember when you made those laser weasels? He managed to almost follow their homing signal to the base, but then you self-destructed them before he could track them for sure? Or last week with Ultra-Peepi? Remember what he said, that he _knew_ it was you even if he couldn't get any proof? Stuff like that. He's, like, 99 percent sure you're behind all that stuff. Just not 100 percent."

"...Has he ever seen me without my disguise?"

"Er...no."

"Has he ever managed to--sneak into the base?"

"No!" the Computer said, sounding affronted. "I'd think I'd notice that...I mean, I could see his hairdo from _space. _He's spied on the outside, though. Seen the lawn gnomes move a bit."

"Have they ever attacked him?"

"He's never gotten close enough."

"Grrr," I growled.

"_Whaaat?!_"

"NOT YOU!"

"FINE!"

He went back to his game; I turned, stroking my chin, thinking...

"This...this is good," I muttered, my spirit lifting again. "The Dib was different than that--the Dib managed to get into the base, managed to catch me off-guard...this Louie is clearly not as smart as even that pitiful worm-child." I paused. "But this still doesn't explain what's he's doing here! And another thing. The Gaz-hyuman. In the other timeline, _Dib _was her brother, and Louie did not exist! How does eliminating one suddenly bring forth the other? It makes no sense!"

"Huh...that _is_ kind of weird."

I began to pace. "Maybe something went wrong with the timeline...but how, HOW?! Maybe...the Dib's elimination led the Membrane-hyuman to produce a new spawn? And--it grew super-fast because of--evil demon pigs?! Or maybe some sort of spatio-temporal loop opened up, sucking in the very fabric of space-time and--"

"Or maybe he was adopted?"

"A-duh-huh?"

"Just a sec."

While I had been thinking, the Computer's blank main screen had changed to display the pitiful hyuman "Innernets," a pathetic imitation of Irken or Vortian computer-linking technology. The screenshot--the "door," as hyumans call it, or something like that--was at a website called "Goggle." The Computer typed in a search: "Professor Membrane children." He moved deftly through a few more screens, finally settling on images of important-looking hyuman papers appeared, the typed-out kind that the skool sometimes gave out. "Yeah, here we go. I got a set of papers here from the humans' records. First set is for a kid named Dibert--"

"Who?"

"Uh, I'm guessing that 'Dib' kid you mentioned."

"Oh. Him."

"Yeah. Papers say he was born about twelve years ago, died three years ago. Oh...yesterday was the anniversary. Huh." The papers were replaced by a second set.

"Now there's a birth certificate for a girl named Gazlene--"

"Who?"

"Gaz, Zim."

"Oh. Her."

"Says she was born about ten years ago. Still alive and everything. Obviously." The papers were replaced by a third set. "And here we have a birth certificate for Louis Fletcher--"

"Wh--"

"LOUIE!"

"Oh. Yeah."

The Computer sighed. "Oy vey. Anyway, there's also a set of adoption papers here. According to this he was _born_ to a Ralph and Vicky Fletcher, but was _adopted _by Professor Membrane about three years ago. Huh...the anniversary for that one's coming up. Only about a week away..."

"Ad-opt-un? What means your strange word? _Tell Zim!_"

"Uh, adoption. You know." I stared blankly. "Like...taking in a kid who isn't yours? Raising them like your own kid when they're not actually related to you? Kind of like they do on Irk, except with, like...families instead of job-trainers and cold, unfeeling robot arms."

"_What?_" I stared at the Computer in amazement. "Why would anyone do that?! It's weird enough of these hyumans to care for smeets just because they're biologically related, but then they go raising ones that belong to _somebody else,_ too? What's the point of that?!"

"I dunno. But people do it. And it looks like Professor Membrane is doing it with Louie. I guess that explains why Louie wasn't there, in your timeline. Maybe Membrane only wanted two kids, or something."

I grimaced. Stupid Membrane. So selfish of him...ruining my plans with his...child-having. "So, because I managed to get rid of that stupid Dib-monkey in the _original _timeline, I wound up just making another one of him in _this _timeline?"

"Uh, yeah. Sounds like it."

"But that's just--stupid!" I cried, spinning around to kick the nearest piece of computer equipment. "Ah-yah! By the Kablooie!" I cursed, jumping up and down on one foot. The Computer sighed.

"Ooh! Mastah's doin' the Ouchietoe Dance!" GIR jumped up and began to jump up and down, imitating my cries of pain and anger. I resisted the urge to kick him too.

"Well, this is just great," I snapped, when I finally was able to put my foot down again; GIR kept up his insane dancing around the periphery of my vision. "Now I just have _another _stupid Earth-monkey running around, interfering with my plans, sneaking around my base, trying to tell all the other stupid pig-smellies about my real identity--"

"Whoa whoa WHOA," the Computer cut in. "Louie told the other kids about you?"

"Yes, of course!" I paused. "Didn't he?"

"You've never mentioned him doing that _before_."

"I haven't? But--"

I paused, thinking; after a moment it occurred to me suddenly that my day with Louie had indeed been very different than the average day with Dib. Except for that note, the Louie had never openly confronted me--and even that had only been a veiled, subtle threat. He had never come up to me and demanded to know my plan, as Dib usually did. And--this was the key thing--at no point during the day had I seen him trying to convince others about my real identity. Dib did that constantly, nonstop--he would jump up in the middle of class, in the lunchroom, bothering me with his horrible botheration as he tried desperately to convince others I was not one of their pathetic herd.

But Louie...didn't? Louie didn't know for sure what I was, and was not spending his time trying to find out or convince the others?

"Well, this is _good,_ then," I said, chuckling my evil chuckle. "Very good _indeed._ So nobody but him knows? None of the others even suspect?"

"As far as I know."

I grinned. Then a thought struck me. "But what about the Gaz? She confronted me and _knew _I was an Irken."

"Oh, well, her, I think. And _maybe _that annoying Keef kid. But just those two, if anyone."

"Just those..." I let that sink in for a moment. This _was_ good, very good. Dib had never managed to convince anyone about my real identity, but nevertheless his attempts to show them had been a constant distraction, not to mention a very real threat to the integrity of my mission. But if this Louie did not even know for sure himself, and was not sharing his theories with anyone outside of those two...Gaz had known in the other timeline, but she had never been much of a threat...and Keef? That was laughable...he was so stupid he could never hope to endanger the mission, it had been smeet's play to keep him from finding out anything despite the numerous times he had broken into my house...

"This is good," I repeated. "This is _very _good." I rubbed my hands together, chuckling. "Ah-HA! I have nothing to fear from this Louie, then! He is even less competant than the Dib-monkey was in the other timeline. All I have to do is make sure he does not find out anything more about me than he already knows, and he will be unable to stop me."

"Uh...I'm not sure about that, 'cause see--"

"Silence!" I snapped. "Now, onto..." I paused, then turned back to the Computer. "Uh, hey. Since I don't remember anything about this timeline from before yesterday afternoon, what was the last thing you remember me working on?"

"Uh, radioactive tube socks, I think."

"YES! Now to radioactivate all the tube socks for my next ingenious plan! And neither the Dib-monkey nor this Louie will be able to stop me! _Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!_"

"Yeah, okay," the Computer said. A second later I heard him begin to snore again. I kept laughing.

"_Mwa-ha-ha-ha, mwa-ha-ha-ha, MWA-HA-HA-HA--AGH! GIR!_"

"OUCHIETOE DANCE!" GIR cried, as once again I grabbed my aching foot as he continued his wild dancing around the room.

* * *

I hope that doesn't come off as info-dumpy, but I figured there's enough other mysteries without spreading all that over a whole bunch of chapters.

Okay. So now that you've read THE ORIGIN OF LOUIE, you get to read...THE **ACTUAL** ORIGIN OF LOUIE!

The idea came from ZimWiki, which has a very brief article about "Louie." Apparently, Jhonen Vasquez originally intended to have Dib die in "Bad, Bad Rubber Piggy," and he would be "replaced" by a new kid named Louie. Now, I don't know if that means "for that episode" or "the entire series"--if the latter, I'm very thankful that Nickolodeon nixed it, to be honest, because _Invader Zim _without Dib would just be horrible. (I mean, what if they just killed off Zim and replaced him with some random new Irken? No! Bad idea!) But I started to think about what might have happened with Zim and Louie, and this story is the result. I'm not sure if that makes him on OC or not...I mean, technically, this _was_ Vasquez's idea...anyway.

Incidently, there will be more about Louie's past, adoption, etc. as the story continues. In fact, if you look _very_ closely, you might have spotted...something already. I won't say what.

Now, I must be off. I don't know when the next update will be, because I want to hurry and finish "Dib in the PITS," so it might be a little while. But you'll get lots of "PITS" updates, and I know you're all excited about that.

What? Some of you _aren't reading "PITS_?" Why? Are you Commies?! Have I offended you somehow?! Go! Go and read it! Go! Do it now! And please leave reviews, for that and for this. Until later, this is JoeMerl...bye! :-D

(My combined author's notes are more than 600 words...oy. I'm bad at this. :-\ )


	7. Plucked

Wow. _And here I was thinking JoeMerl had forgotten about this story. Well, he promised an update by November 1...and he failed miserably, didn't he? I'm sure you've all been sitting on the edges of your seats (what with your inferior, primitive human butts), so here. Devour this slop up like the swine you are. Oh, and leave reviews. Or whatever._

* * *

Chapter Six  
Plucked

**FROM THE FILES OF THE SWOLLEN EYEBALL NETWORK, AGENT DATABASE, Moderate Security Clearance (accessible to all Full Agents), excluding classified portions:**

**AGENT MOTHMAN**  
**Name, Address, Birthdate:** -(Classified)-  
**Date Joined:** 31 July, Three Years Ago  
**Specialty(s): **Aliens and cryptozoology.  
**Current Level:** NONE, Formerly Junior Agent.  
**Current Projects: **NONE.  
**Former Projects:** Project Sasquatch Lad.  
**Current Status:** PLUCKED.

_Agent Mothman was an active Agent for only a short period of time, being PLUCKED on duty within a month of joining. The Sasquatch believed to be responsible for his PLUCKING was never found (cf. PROJECT SASQUATCH LAD). Actual identity under Extra Super High Security Clearance due to potential legal issues._

**AJUNT MOFMAN  
Name, Address, Birthdate:** -(Classified)-  
**Date Joined:** 31 August, Three Years Ago  
**Specialty(s): **Aliens and cryptozoology, particularly GFiBS.  
**Current Level:** Junior Agent.  
**Former Projects: **Project Sasquatch-Lad (adopted from Agent Mothman; aborted), Project Demon-Shark (serving under Agent Swirlydoom; complete), Project Cullen (serving under Agent Giles; complete), Project Krazy Kurse (serving under Agent TunaGhost; complete).  
**Current Projects: **Project Z, Project D.  
**Current Status:** OPEN.

_During his relatively short tenure in the Swollen Eyeball Network, Ajunt Mofman has proven himself to be a useful and notable young Agent. Agent TunaGhost in particular has claimed him indispensable in her defeat of the Krazy Taco demon. He has opened two different Projects of his own, both recently, but has yet to make substantial headway on either._

_Ajunt Mofman's name is of particular note, both for its peculiar spelling and its similarity to that the PLUCKED Agent Mothman. The Senior Agents allowed this unorthodox move shortly after his OPENING, when they also transferred to the former Agent Mothman's Project Sasquatch Lad to him. Despite this and the similarities in their specialties and ages, the two should not be confused. For one, this "Ajunt" has proven a lot more successful, hasn't he? Heh-heh. (I mean, you know...what with the not-being-dead and all?)_

* * *

At 7:45 PM, August 26, security cameras detected Ajunt Mofman entering the lobby of the current Swollen Eyeball Network Headquarters, give his security clearance and receive directions to the room where the Senior Members were meeting.

At 7:47 PM, August 26, security cameras following his movements observed him stop halfway across the lobby to observe a plaque on the wall containing names of Plucked Eyeball Agents. He took approximately six seconds to scan the names, continued staring for about ten seconds, and then resumed his walk to the Senior Agents.

At 7:49 PM, August 26, security cameras following his movements observed him enter the waiting area with other Agents due to make presentations that night. During the waiting time he made small-talk with various Agents and looked over his own presentation notes and information.

At 8:01 PM, the presentations for the August 26th Senior Members' meeting began.

At 8:32 PM, August 26, security cameras observed Ajunt Mofman called into the main chamber to give his presentation to the Senior Agents.

During this entire time, the security cameras did _not_detect the three aliens as they flittered past, following Ajunt Mofman through the building.

* * *

"...And that's pretty much the long and short of it."

"_OW!_ Er--what?" Agent Darkbooty cried, as his head slipped from his palm and crashed onto the table. He sat up straight again, blinking blearily, lowering his arm from the table.

Agent Khronos blinked, a crestfallen look on his face. Though the Senior Members' features were hidden from view, he could not help but notice the glazed look in Darkbooty's glowing blue eyes. His arm, held out with a pointer in hand, lowered a few inches from his graph as he frowned in disappointment.

Agent TunaGhost, seated to Darkbooty's right between Agents Nessie and Shadowdude, turned to glare at him in annoyance. Not that Khronos' presentation hadn't been boring. But still, the lack of propriety...

"I was just saying," Khronos said, in a somewhat hurt voice, "about the weird time anomalies..."

"Ah. Yes, yes," Darkbooty muttered, shuffling the papers in front of him again. "And could you, uh--just repeat that last part?"

"Um--yes. Just that, uh--they've been increasing recently. Very much so. We have the, uh, star--" He shuffled through the pages of his presentation, replacing his graph with a collection of data on a supergiant star "that keeps shifting back between phases, every couple of hours--NASAPLACE hasn't gotten wind of it yet, but coupled with the data on the chronotons and Agent Lovegood's theory on the GFiBS--"

"Ah, yes, yes, I have that here," Darkbooty muttered, extracting the paper from his pile.

"--we can predict that some sort of paranormal phenomenon has been going on for the last couple of years, and that it's only continuing to worsen as time goes by."

"Hmm," Darkbooty muttered, looking the paper over for a moment, then glancing back up. "Yes. Um, thank you, Agent Khronos. We will be sure to take everything you've said into consideration."

"Uh, thank you, sir. Sirs. And madames," he added hastily with nervous looks to Agents TunaGhost and Morgana.

He picked up the eisel with his charts and figures and carried it with him out of the room. When the door behind him closed Darkbooty turned to the others. "So. What did you think?"

"_Pffft._ Stupid!" Agent Disembodied Head snorted, his shadowed face twisting into a grimace.

"How would you know?" TunaGhost snapped, turning to glare at him through her apparently glowing blue eyes. "You were playing tic-tac-toe with yourself through most of the presentation! I doubt you understood a word of what Agent Khronos was even saying."

"Hey--" Disembodied Head began, rising in his seat.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Nessie said, in his calm tone, raising his hands. "No need to argue, everyone. _Okay?_" He said this pointedly to Agent TunaGhost.

TunaGhost opened her mouth to retort, but then closed it; it rankled, that he felt the need to address that statement to her when it was always D.H. who was being the total jerk. But unfortunately, he outranked her--she was new to the Senior Member's council, and didn't have quite the authority of her idiotic colleague. Yet.

"Who's next to present?" Nessie asked, now turning to Darkbooty.

He checked the list. "Ajunt Mofman."

"Oh, great," D.H. muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Mofman happens to be a very good Agent," TunaGhost snapped without thinking, glaring at him again.

"I agree," said Agent Morgana, speaking up from the other end of the bench. "He has proven to be one of our most valuable Junior Agents."

Disembodied Head scoffed again and rolled his eyes. Darkbooty sent him a slight look of annoyance, then pressed a button on the table in front of him. "Send in Ajunt Mofman."

There was a small wait and noises coming from outside the door. A moment later it slid open, and the young blond-haired boy walked into the room. He did not carry a huge board as Khronos had; he had only a small briefcase handcuffed to his wrist. He was dressed in his usual beige trench coat, boots clicking slightly as he walked.

"Welcome, Ajunt Mofman," Darkbooty said. "You have your permission slip, I trust?"

"Yes, sir, Agent Darkbooty," he said, raising his head to give a respectful nod to him and other Agents, holding the paper up in his hand. His dark blue eyes were sharp and a bit narrowed, but TunaGhost could see the slightest look of nervousness in the way his mouth sloped into a frown. She knew from experience how nerve-wracking these meetings could be---standing in the middle of the dark room, with the Senior council high above you and out of sight, like some shadowy tribunal passing judgement on all your work. She'd almost thrown up her first time there...

A small robotic probe came down from the bench where the Senior Agents sat, snatched up Ajunt Mofman's permission slip and brought it to Agent Darkbooty to see. He gave it a cursory glance, lowered it and cleared his throat, holding the paper in front of him to read. "And I understand you are here today to present us with your, uh--'Project Z,' is it?"

"Yes, sir," Ajunt Mofman said, nodding, patting the briefcase on his arm. "I have new evidence that---"

"Is this gonna be something stupid again?" Disembodied Head interrupted, raising an eyebrow at him.

Ajunt Mofman blinked. "...No?" he said, sounding both confused and indignant. Then, more confidently, "I have new evidence that I think will help to prove once and for all that my specimen really _is_ a danger to this planet." He pulled a few pieces of paper out from his briefcase, holding them out.

"You said in your last communication that it involved the giant gerbil that attacked the city last week?" Agent Nessie said, as another probe flew down to take the papers from Ajunt Mofman's hands.

He nodded. "Yes, sir."

The probe took the papers over to the Senior Agents and passed them out; each received an identical page of data which they glanced at with varying levels of understanding and interest. "As you can see," Ajunt Mofman explained as they read, "there is clear evidence that the specimen Peepi's DNA had been tampered with, most likely through some form of alien technology---"

"But that much is obvious," Darkbooty interrupted; though Mofman could not see his frown of disappointment, his own face mimicked it, sliding downward to look even more nervous. TunaGhost wondered if maybe _he_ was going to throw up too. "We could already have guessed that someone modified the gerbil's genetic code. Do you have any particular proof that it was this---" He checked his papers again "_Zim_ who did it?"

Mofman cleared his throat. "Well, sir, the technology used was far more advanced than anything a human could do, and---"

"But that still doesn't prove that it was this particular boy who did it," Morgana interrupted.

"Do you have any more evidence?" Darkbooty asked. "A DNA sample from the boy himself, for example?"

Ajunt Mofman shifted nervously; Agent TunaGhost couldn't help but feel sorry for the poor kid. This presentation was clearly not going the way he had expected. "No, sir."

"You've told us before that you think his house is some kind of alien base. Have you been able to gain confirmation?" Agent Morgana asked.

Mofman was getting antsier by the moment. "No, ma'am. I've been monitoring the outside of his base, and I've seen plenty of weird things, but---"

"Have you tried going inside?" Agent Shadowdude asked.

Ajunt Mofman blinked. "Well, actually, I thought breaking and entering might be a bit extreme..."

"_Ugh,_" D.H. said, rolling his eyes.

Darkbooty looked a bit stern. "Ajunt Mofman, we have Agents infiltrating the CIA, FBI, Fort Knox and Barbra Streisand's secret Neptunian death fortress. The Swollen Eyeball does not worry about 'breaking and entering' when it comes to matters of serious security to mankind."

Mofman dropped his head; he was actually blushing now. "I'm sorry, sir."

"You _are_ a very good Agent, Mofman," Morgana said quickly; TunaGhost was relieved that someone was jumping to the boy's defense. "But our files show you have a tendency to be overly cautious. Your failure in Project Sasquatch Lad, for example---"

"_Psst psst psst!_"

She looked up, startled; Darkbooty, Nessie, Shadowdude and TunaGhost had all spun around to face her, their hands cutting through the air in a "stop right now!" motion. Down on the floor, Mofman's eyes had suddenly turned hard, his frowning mouth clenched. Morgana nearly flushed when she realized her mistake and quickly dropped the subject, which Darkbooty took up.

"We do not want to denigrate your work, Ajunt Mofman. You have proved valuable on many assignments and have accomplished much during your short time in the Network. Your defeat of Ultra-Peepi last week---using GFiBS against him, of all things---was particularly inspired. Nevertheless, you often prove too slow. Even when you do succeed, your work is often less successful than if you had managed to work quicker."

"What do you---"

"The vampirization of Agent Stoker, the destruction of the Krazy Taco downtown...and of course, the Imploding Squirrel incident." He looked tactfully away.

Mofman looked away too. "...To be fair, Stoker got un-vampirized once we defeated Cocofang. It was really that Bill guy's fault. And those squirrels..._probably_ would have imploded anyway."

"Nevertheless, Mofman, you need to learn to be more assertive. Perhaps then you would have some more clear evidence on your specimen."

"Yeah," Disembodied Head grunted. "Be like that old Mothman kid we had. He was an idiot, but at least he got crap done."

Every other Agent froze at these words; even the robotic probes bobbing in the air behind them seemed to stop, as slowly each Senior Agent's head turned to gape at D.H. in silent shock. TunaGhost's mouth was open; though it was impossible to see in the shadows, the bluelighting made her teeth and tongue glow, disembodied, in the black expanse of her face. Only D.H., in either complete callousness or stupidity, seemed to not realize the horribleness of what he had just said.

Mofman's mouth had dropped at these words, but after a moment of gaping with the Senior Agents his face twisted back into a hard, angry look. "That may be true,"" he said through gritted teeth, eyes fiery and dark, "but my brother kind of paid a price for that one, didn't he, _Ted?_"

There was even more shock at this retort than at D.H.'s words---every frozen Agent now drew back in shock, gasping and turning to stare from the shocked Senior Agent to Mofman, who stood on the floor, staring at Disembodied Head with cold defiance etched onto his face.

"How dare you?!" Agent Shadowdude shouted, rising from his seat. Next to him, Disembodied Head looked stuck between similar indignation and outright shock.

The other Agents were muttering to each other; most of them looked angry, Darkbooty looked stunned and confused, and TunaGhost was simply amazed. Mofman merely glared back at them. If one of the Senior Agents had suddenly referred to Disembodied Head by his real name in the middle of a meeting, it would have been a huge breach of conduct, a major insult and a violation of secrecy rules. That said nothing of a Junior or even a Full Agent, who were supposed to treat the Seniors with the utmost respect.

But there was a challenge there too, hidden in Ajunt Mofman's words---Junior and Full Agents weren't supposed to know the identities of the Senior Agents at all. Those were to be kept in the utmost secrecy, hidden by the Agent in question with all the best of his abilities. But by saying Disembodied Head's name---correctly---he had slapped D.H. in the face for his secret-keeping abilities. Somehow, Mofman---a Junior Agent, not _even_ a Full Member!---had managed to hack or sneak his way into Disembodied Head's information. It was a huge insult to D.H. to admit that---but also, it quickly became apparent, a huge problem for Mofman as well.

"Quiet!" Darkbooty shouted, trying to restore order among the muttering Agents; D.H.'s was just now turning from a look of horror to rage. Darkbooty turned quickly to Mofman, frowning.

"I demand we Blind this little brat!" Disembodied Head shouted, pounding his fist on the table.

"Second!" Shadowdude cried.

There was a muttering of approval. "No!" TunaGhost snapped, standing up. "I--er, anti-second!"

"He just---"

"_He_ just insulted a Plucked Agent!" TunaGhost snapped, pointing her finger accusingly at Disembodied Head, glaring.

The angry shouts died down a bit, to be replaced by soft, angry muttering. Disembodied Head glared at TunaGhost, whose arm was trembling as it stood out against him. On the floor, Ajunt Mofman was still looking defiant, but decidedly less so---his face had gone slightly pale when Blinding had been brought up.

Darkbooty hesitated for a moment, clearly searching for something to do. He settled with glaring sternly down at Mofman. "You will speak to your superiors with a bit more respect, do you understand?!"

"Yes, sir," Mofman said, his eyes still like ice. He could hear the desperation and fear in Darkbooty's voice, and Darkbooty had a horrible fear that Mofman was reading his thoughts at that very moment--the question, _Does this kid know any more of our names?_

There was a moment of silence. TunaGhost remained standing for a moment, then slowly sat down in her seat. Disembodied Head looked outraged. Most of the other members were still somewhere between shock and fury.

Darkbooty cleared his throat. "We, uh...do not mean to in any way mean to disparage on your brother, Ajunt Mofman, or his sacrifice to our cause...it is always a tragedy when an Agent is---Plucked---in the line of duty. Especially one so young..."

His voice trailed off. Everyone in the room looked around awkwardly for a moment, except for Mofman, who continued to glare at the embittered Disembodied Head with both anger and relief. Finally Agent Morgana spoke.

"Regarding your assignment, Ajunt Mofman. We were actually also wondering about your progress in terms of Project D."

Mofman looked up from his glare, startled. "Well, uh...I just opened that one, so I haven't really made a lot of progress yet," he admitted. "It's really just kind of a side project..."

"Well, we believe it could be a very good one," Darkbooty said, relieved to have a new topic to break the tension in the room. "The evidence you've sent in already seems worthy of further investigation."

"Well, I actually tried to get more this morning...but there was a GFiB..."

"Well, that aside, we believe that this project is worthy of more of your attention."

Mofman frowned. "Um...I don't know, sir. To be honest, Zim already fills up a lot of my spare ti---"

"It is for this reason that we are temporarily suspending Project Z."

"--ime--wait, _what?!_"

"Project Z has made little or no progress in the past month, and we believe that the evidence you've submitted for your other endevour may be the more useful," Agent Nessie explained.

Ajunt Mofman looked at them, stunned. "B-but---you can't do that! I can't just abandon Project Z! Zim is an alien, I know it, sirs! And madames," he added, waving his hand. "I don't even know if Project D has any merit, I could be totally wrong about this gir---"

"Well, we believe the project _does _have merit," Darkbooty interrupted, holding up his hand to silent the young Agent. "Or at least, we believe it may. We want you to investigate and send in a new report regarding anything you can find by the end of the week. If it turns out to be fruitless, we will cancel that project and reopen the one with this..._Zim_ person."

"But---a week?! Zim could destroy the Earth a thousands times by then!"

"Perhaps we should transfer one of your projects to somebody else, then?" Agent TunaGhost suggested, speaking a bit stiffly after her fury a moment before. "If you feel you cannot take time off from Project Z, we could transfer control of it or Project D to another Agent---perhaps Stoker or---"

"NO!" Ajunt Mofman turned pale at the idea---no other Agent was going to be taking one of _his _projects. Especially Agent Stoker, that know-it-all jerk. "No, Agent TunaGhost...but I can handle both! Just---"

"You still attend the same skool as him, do you not?" Agent Morgana asked. "You can still monitor his progress and see if he _is _up to anything. But we want you to put the majority of your attention onto the other specimen. Do you understand?"

"I---"

Mofman looked up at the Senior Agents. This was _definitely _not what he had been expecting, Agent TunaGhost thought. He frowned. "Yes, ma'am."

"Very good, then," Darkbooty said. He cleared his throat. "Thank you. You are dismissed."

"Thank you, sir."

He turned, briefcase still in hand, and walked out of the room. The Agents turned to each other to discuss.

And unseen by any of them, hovering over the floor like a trio glowing shadows, the three alien forms followed Ajunt Mofman out of the room.

* * *

WHOO! There. Sorry for the late update, everyone---those who monitor my other stories may have realized my error in promising an update by Nov. 1, then working on an election-themed and Halloween story. :-\ Cannot say when the next update of this will be---hopefully soon, but first I have to finish "Dib in the PITS," and I want to also build up a few chapters of this as a "buffer" or something so that at some point I can make my updates more regular, which means irregularity in the short term. I'm also itching to start some sort of new project---a one-shot or short-story collection or something---even though I realize that's probably not smart. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed, please leave reviews, and see you all soon!

_Pffft. No you won't._

Shut up, **Mike.**


	8. White Eyes

_Oh, look, this story still exists. JoeMerl seems to have forgotten that for a while...but with "Dib in the PITS" finally complete and the semester over until January, he promises more frequent updates now. He's lying, but still. Anyway, you urchins get a new chapter now---and I have to admit, it is the best one so far, for reasons you all shall see soon. Enjoy._

* * *

Chapter Seven  
White Eyes

AUGUST 26, PRESENT, 3:45:06  
ZIM'S POV

"_Ugh..._"

I rubbed my eyes wearily. They were weak from the hours before the Computer's screens, reading and rereading tube sock data as I began to determine how to put my plan into effect. It was tiring work...

My head drooped down to the metal control panel, my eyelids falling---and suddenly I jerked up, blinking, and forced myself up into a sitting position. "No," I muttered. "I will not let my attention slack. _I am Zim!_ No mere tedium can distract me from my---"

My head hit the control panel, eyes closed. Suddenly my PAK began to beep, sending jolts of electricity to rouse me.

"_Warning: Energy supplies low. Immediate recharge required._"

Ah, so that was it. Yes, that made sense---it had been a few days since I last recharged, hadn't it? I rose from my seat and dragged myself out of the main lab. I took the lift up a few levels to the Recharge Chamber, a large, empty room with a black grid pattern on the dark red walls. A single small computer console was build into one panel next to the door. I passed it and sat down on the metal bench built into the far wall. "Computer?" I said wearily.

"Ugh, crusty little---I mean, yes, Zim?"

"Begin PAK recharge procedure."

A sigh. "_Okay,_" it muttered, as if this were a massive inconvenience.

Two of the metal panels directly behind me opened; out of each snapped a metal cable which whipped forward and plugged themselves into my PAK. I felt it begin to hum slightly against my spine.

I yawned. "Thank you," I muttered, feeling my eyes droop again.

I let out a soft sigh. This was a nice break after my hours of work on the tube sock experiments; the gentle vibrations against my back were rather soothing, and I could feel my PAK shutting down secondary and tertiary systems, easing my mind a bit of all the extra burdens. I relaxed and sat back, letting the energy refill me, and allowed my mind to wander away idly...I allowed my eyes to close, felt my vision blur...

...I opened them slightly. Hmm...my vision was a bit cloudy, but I thought little of that; the PAK had cut some of the power to my visual receptors, after all...still, it was slightly odd, all this hazy white instead of the usual dull darkness on the edges of my sight...

_And his eyes must not be working quite right, Zim thought, because he couldn't even see the walls or the door, couldn't even see a few feet in front of his face...or feel the bench beneath him. In fact, he felt like he was walking..._

_Wait, what is that? Maybe he could see, after all, because he could sense something in the distance, a far way off...what is that? He rushed through the misty air towards it..._

_What..._who_ was that?_

_The other Irken was a lot closer now, but still quite distant...he was dark, almost a mere shadow, but sharp and real through the ethereal fog, definitively real. He seemed strange. He was short, maybe even shorter than Zim(not that he's short, of course)...maybe he was a bit taller, maybe shorter, it was hard to tell by the way he was bent over slightly. His antennae stood straight and upright, though, swept back majestically over his head...I could see them in profile only, or maybe I was seeing both from an odd angle, that could explain the disproportionate length and thickness they seemed to possess. His PAK looked...strange. Antiquated. Bulky and heavy, not like the sleek and light-weight model attached to his own glorious self._

_Zim tried to call out to the Irken, but the sound seemed to dissipate through the mist---and yet the figure turned, and Zim drew back in surprise. His eyes were huge, white, and flashed brightly in the light of the glowing fog---there was something strange about them, intense, dangerous. For a moment Zim was frozen._

_Though he couldn't see his mouth, Zim knew the figure was about to speak---_

"ZIM!"

"_Agh!_"

I jumped---the wires disconnected from my PAK as I fell to the floor, blinking in the sudden darkness of the room. "Wha---who---"

"What was with you, I've been calling for like, an hour," the Computer grumbled, snapping back his wires into the wall. "You were out like a log."

"Zim is no smelly Earth-tree!" I climbed to my feet and brushed myself off. "I was simply...daydreaming. Or...something."

I paused for a moment, then shook my head. I turned to look up. "Computer, what time is it?"

"8:04 AM."

"Good, that means I still have time to---_WHAT?!_" I jumped again, banging my knee against the metal bench. I let out a curse and hobbled on one foot, holding my pained leg with both hands. "I only have ten minutes to get to skool, you miserable hunk of metal!"

"Well, _yeah._ Like I said, I've been trying to wake you _forever._"

"Agh!" I rushed out of the lab in a panic---I had to get upstairs and out of the house, to the stupid horrible Earth-skool---I didn't even have time to change into a new uniform or get breakfast, oh, what a miserable day already---and if the Dib-monkey noticed this tunic was unclean, he would no doubt figure out some way of to mock me---

No, wait. The Dib-monkey couldn't do that.

Well, the Louie-monkey, then. Same difference. I muttered invectives to the both of them as I reached the house level, jumped out of the toilet and ran past GIR and out the door, not even stopping to close it behind me.

------------------------------------------

"_Hmm,_" **Juan** said, checking a glowing wristwatch attached to one tendril. "_He's late._"

"_I already told you, he's _supposed_ to be late,_" said the drawling alien, who was floating beside the bushes and peering out to the children waiting for the skoolday to begin. "_Other circumstances are at work here to arrange that. So while we wait for him, let us consider for a moment what we are to do today concerning our _other_ focus._" He turned to the third alien. "**Lakeisha, **_any ideas?_"

"_Not really,_" he said, in his deep, clearly masculine voice. "_If the Eyeballs have reassigned him, it doesn't seem like we'll be able to do much._"

"_But it's only a _temporary _reassignment,_" **Juan** pointed out, dropping his tendril with the watch. "_If we can just wait until they put him back on Zim's tail---_"

"_Irkens don't _have _tails, you dolt,_" the lead alien said, slapping him in the side of the head. ("_OW!_") "_And _we _do not have time. The results of Zim's meddling are accelerating quickly; if we wait too long, then the universe will simply unravel before we have a chance to reverse the deleterious effects._"

"_Then what do we do?_" asked **Lakeisha.**

"_Simple. We will continue trying to direct Louie back onto Zim's trail, making sure that he ultimately does what we need him to do in order to bring about our plans._"

"_So...we tell him about the time machine?_" **Juan **asked.

The lead's tendril twitched again, and **Juan** drew back in anticipation of another blow. "No, _you fool. Direct interference could result in even more noxious effects than what Zim has brought about himself. We will direct Louie with stealth. His natural desire to combat Zim rather than shift his focus to the other one will be all we need to bring about our ends._"

**Juan **drooped. "_But---**Mike,** what---_"

_SLAP!_ **Mike's** tendril smacked against **Juan's **once again, and the weaker alien drew back against the skool wall, rubbing himself where the blow had struck. **Mike,** for his part, turned and began to rub his chin. "_What we need, though, is some way to interact with the Louie that will not arouse his suspicion. Some means that is both subtle and effective. He is suspicious by nature, so we must find something that he will _not _suspect. Something advanced, clever,_ brilliant_ as I---_"

Just then the bushes opened. All three aliens jumped and spun around. Keef's adventurous smile turned into a look of confusion.

"Huh? What are_---AGH!"_

As the other two were frozen in fear, **Mike **leapt forward and wrapped his tendrils around the boy's face. Keef let out a cry and fell to the ground, trying without success to pull **Mike** from his skin. The two wrestled around for only a moment---after a few seconds Keef was lying flat on his stomach, face in the grass, silent and motionless, except for a gasping, heavy breath. The alien's form had vanished.

The two remaining aliens turned to each other, then back to the supine boy. Suddenly he moved, pulling himself up and climbing slowly to his feet.

Keef turned his head slightly, blinking. He held out his arms and stared down at himself with a look of distaste. His eyes were hard, annoyed---and no longer the bright green they had been mere moments before, but a silvery-gray, almost colorlessly white. His face was no longer bright and smiling. He positively sneered down at the rainbow that decorated his shirt.

Keef's turned to the aliens. They gazed back at him fearfully.

Suddenly the cold gray eyes rolled in exasperation.

"Well," said 'Keef,' in **Mike's** drawling voice, "it's not _exactly _what I had in mind, but it will do, I suppose..."

* * *

_DUN DUN DUN!_

Well, I hope you enjoyed! Next update soon, hopefully, though I seem to have committed myself to many projects right now, so we'll have to see. Please leave reviews!


	9. Pranks

_JoeMerl apologizes for waiting so long to get to a new chapter; he was busy with Christmas things, such as a truly atrocious _South Park_ story that nobody liked, though he continues to insist it was "pretty good." Hmph. Whatever. Anyway, he's written ahead, and hopes to build up a good stash of chapters so he can update fairly soon. But, as always, let's see the world realistically. And now, happy Boxing Day or Kwanzaa or whatever it bloody is, and please enjoy your garbage. _

* * *

Chapter Eight  
Pranks

_Dear Log,_

_Well, I've been thinking about it just about nonstop for the last ten hours or so, and I still don't know what to do about the Eyeballs' new orders. I really don't want to put Zim on hold---I know there's valuable stuff there, and I'm afraid that if I drop my guard on him, even a little, he'll wind up doing something and they'll be no one there to stop it. Still, if I don't __have something to report to the Eyeballs about Project D, I don't know what they'll do. I guess I better just try to juggle both as best I can._

_Yeah, it's just monitoring two possible evil alien warlords bent on human domination. And I'm only twelve. Seriously, no pressure there, Lou._

---From the Log of Ajunt Mofman, dated August 26, 7:21 AM.

* * *

AUGUST 26, PRESENT, 8:12:19  
ZIM'S POV

"I'M NOT LATE!" I screamed, flying into the room and landing roughly in my pitifully-supported Earth-seat, with the unfortunate side-effect of knocking it and myself to the ground.

I lay there for a moment, stunned. Then I chuckled nervously and climbed to my seat, picking up my chair. The hyuman pig-monkeys around me stared for a moment, then turned and went back to whatever they were doing. I sighed.

"Well, you seem in a hurry today, Zim."

I jumped and spun around to face the Dib---then blinked in confusion at the boy sitting in his desk. Oh, yeah, Louie---I was still getting used to that.

"Yes! Well...I am eager for the great learning. And stuff," I said, speaking across two empty desks and waving my hand vaguely.

His eyes narrowed. All hyumans have white eyes, but the little bit of color that lies in their center differs from person to person. Louie's were blue. I remembered that the Dib-monkey's were a light brown. Still, somehow the one's eyes reminded me eerily of the other's.

I turned away. Pitiful Dib-hyuman---er, Louie-hyuman, whatever. Prying into my---things. Always trying---

"So, what are you up to this time, Zim?" Louie asked. His voice was very quiet, his lips barely moved, yet I had no trouble hearing him over the din of the rest of the class. "What's your newest evil plan?"

I spun around. "None of your business, D---Lou! I---"

He had looked up, startled; and suddenly I froze, and remembered what the Computer had told me---Louie did not know anything definite about my activities. My words fumbled for a moment, before I lowered my gesticulating hands and said calmly, "I have no evil plans. You are just being silly as always, Louie. I am a perfectly normal hyuman worm-baby."

His mouth, slightly ajar, snapped close; eyes hard and jaw clenched, he turned to stare at the front of the room.

I watched him out of the corner of my ocular implants. He looked sullen. That had been very close---I had nearly given away the advantage I had over the Louie-beast, that one precious fact that made him weaker than Dib. And, I reminded myself suddenly, he _was _weaker than Dib---his failure to achieve that which the former one had was proof.

A grin slowly spread across my face.

"And anyway," I said slowly, silkily, "if I _did_ have some sort of evil plan...you'd never guess it."

His head snapped around again, mouth reopened; I however, had instantly returned to looking like an innocent little hyuman urchin. He stammered for a moment. "What do you---"

_Riiiiiiiing!_

"I'm here!"

The bell sounded, just as a blur of movement flew through the door and zipped into the seat beside Louie, where it collapsed, panting. Louie looked up, startled. "Keef?"

"Yes...I'm here," the Keef-hyuman muttered between gasps, messaging his scrawny little chest. "Stupid fleshy form weighed me down a bit."

Louie frowned. "You sick, man? Sounds like you have a sore throat..."

"What?! I mean, what?" he asked, clearing his throat, suddenly sounding like his normal, annoying self. "Oh---uh, yeah, Louie. Just a, uh---toad in there. Or whatever," he muttered, eyes shifting away.

I watched Louie as he continued to frown at Keef for a moment. Finally he asked, "Okay---but, uh, why are you sitting in Aki's seat?"

"Huh?"

Keef looked around, startled; just then, however, all three of us were distracted as Ms. Bitters materialized through the wall. "QUIET!"

Keef turned to Louie, put a finger to his lips, then turned to face Ms. Bitters. Louie, still frowning, turned away from him and back to me. I was already facing the front as well, however, pretending to listen as Ms. Bitters began her lecture on something called the Great Depression. It sounded fairly unpleasant.

Soon everyone, even Louie, looked bored, but I grinned through the rest of class, one thought in my mind:

_Louie is weaker than Dib._

And oh, if the Dib thought I had given _him_ a hard time...

* * *

**Mike **was not having a good day.

Class, it turned out, was not the ideal place to speak with his human charge; Ms. Bitters droned on and on, but the pointlessness of her pitiful human (...or whatever) concerns did not by itself provide an opportunity for **Mike **to talk to Louie, who seemed at least fairly interested in hearing what she had to say. He had spent the majority of the class hunched over his desk (well, Aki's desk---she was absent anyway, so nobody seemed to care that "Keef" was in the wrong place), glaring daggers at Ms. Bitters and watching Zim out of the corner of his eye, getting strange looks from Louie every couple of moments.

And then there was just the plain _horribleness _of being in a human body to begin with. It was disgusting! An embarrassment, really, and so uncomfortable too. Keef was not a large human, but to **Mike **he seemed unbearably big and bulky, and his inability to fly was particularly noisome. And humans had such annoying bodily needs. **Mike** had spent half the class time feeling horrible---he had begun to worry that he had improperly melded with this host body and was causing it to die, before Louie, noticing how he squirmed uncomfortably in his seat, asked out of the corner of his mouth if he needed to go to the bathroom. It had turned out to be an accurate assumption, but still horribly troublesome---after spending ten minutes just to _find _the proper facilities he needed (and being kicked out of the female equivalent thereof), **Mike** had needed another twenty to figure out how to use them, and he couldn't shake the feeling he hadn't even done it right. (You weren't supposed to wind up so wet, were you?) And to make it worse, once he had emptied Keef's horrible little body of all that waste, the bell rang that it was time to refill it!

"Meatloaf or pasta?"

Louie frowned. "Uh, well, I like Italian, so...wait, i-is that pasta moving?"

"Yes."

"I'll have the meatloaf, please."

The lunch service drone dropped a piece of the disgusting Earth-meat onto Louie's tray, and after a ridiculously sincere thanks he smiled at **Mike** and went off across the room. **Mike** watched him traverse the cafeteria to where his sister sat, and became so preoccupied that he didn't even notice the lunch lady yelling at him.

"Hey, kid!"

"What?" He looked up, startled, and again his voice seemed to drop lower than Keef's, back to **Mike's **own deeper drawl. But only for a moment. "Um, y-yes?" he repeated, in Keef's much higher pitch.

"Meatloaf or pasta?"

He looked down at the two options, wrinkling his nose. "Ugh..._neither!_"

And without another word he spun around and followed Louie across the room, still carrying an empty tray. Keef could acquire nourishment on his _own _time.

"Oh, great. Keef's here," Gaz grumbled sarcastically, stabbing rather viciously at a pea on her plate.

"What?! Where?!" **Mike's **borrowed head shot around before he recognized their stares. "I mean, um---yeah, I'm here!" He smiled brightly. Keef's mouth was used to smiling brightly, but inside **Mike** shuddered. Oh, he was going to need a _bath_ after this!

But that would come later. In the meantime, **Mike** had a mission to perform.

"So, Louie," **Mike** said casually, waving a hand, "how did your meeting---"

"So, Gaz, did you do well on your Math test today?"

"I always do good, Louie."

"Yeah, she always does good," **Mike** muttered, trying to change the subject. "So, Lou, what about you? How did your meet---"

"You're not cheating, are you?"

Gaz scoffed. "Like I said, Lou, I don't need to. I could do this whole _stupid_ grade in my sleep if I wanted to."

"Or in your video game, apparently."

"Yeah, yeah," **Mike** said impatiently. "So, anyway, Louie, what about---"

"Well, I just worry about you, Gaz."

"Well, find somebody else to worry about."

"Well, who better than family?"

"I can think of a few people..."

**Mike **ground his teeth. Keef's face was showing the most peculiar expression, neither ridiculous happiness nor momentary depression, and thus likely an emotion never before seen on this idiot-child's visage. Damn it. Will you two shut up already?! His tentacle---er, arm---instinctively went up to slap them, but he quickly ducked it away---no, no, Keef wouldn't do that, he had to be Keef now, had to---

His head snapped around, eyes narrowed. A flash of green darting under the table behind him. Keef's face hardened. "Ah, of course," he muttered, lips barely moving. "Zim's watching us..."

"Huh? You say something, Keef?"

**Mike **looked up, startled. "Uh---no, nothing, old...pal of mine," he said, reaching for the first stupidly sentimental phrase he could think of.

"Ah. Okay," Louie said, frowning at him again. Then he turned back and kept talking to Gaz.

**Mike **growled to himself and put his head (or Keef's, whosever) down on the table, eyes turned around so he could keep Zim at the periphery of his now-pitiful human sight. The Irken had slowly risen up from his seat and was now watching the three of them, eyes narrowed in much the same way as **Mike's** own. _Of course,_** Mike** thought, _Always watching, aren't you, Zim? Too bad you're too stupid to understand half of what you see..._

But something about Zim's face gave **Mike **pause...he was smiling. Well, that wasn't surprising---Zim was always smiling, wasn't he, that horrible, twisted evil smile that meant he knew he was onto something and was sure he could use it to his advantage. Two assumptions that were almost always wrong. But of course, they were very dangerous assumptions, too---but not for Zim. Zim could cause a lot of trouble when he felt inspired, but it was always someone else who paid the price for it.

_That's what I'm here for, isn't it?_ **Mike **thought dryly. _To make sure _he_ pays for this one._

But in the meantime...what was he---

"KEEF!"

"Huh?!" **Mike **jerked up again, tearing his eyes off of Zim. "Um, yes---L-L-Louie?"

_Oh, I'm stuttering. I sound just like **Juan,**_ **Mike **thought, making a face. Louie and Gaz were looking at him funnily. "What's your problem?" the latter one asked suspiciously, raising one mascara-smeared eye. "You haven't even tried to hit on me all lunch..."

"Oh, uh, haven't I...er, beautiful?"

They were still gazing at him, but by now **Mike's **attention was back on Zim, watching him out of the corner of his stolen eyes. He was grinning still more wickedly, and now he was rubbing his hands together. And was he---bleeding?!

_No, _**Mike **scolded himself, _don't be stupid. _That red stuff in his hands can't be blood, he's an Irken, it must be---

Oh, bloody hell.

"_SKOOL LUNCHROOM SPAGGHETTI ATTACK OF DOOM!_"

"Agh! Louie, look out---"

It was an instinct, a mixture of "act like Keef" and "we need this kid, damn it" as **Mike **sent Keef's body flying through the air at Louie, just as he spotted the ball of noodles and sauce flying through the air from Zim's hand straight on a collision course with the human's head.

"Agh!"

_SPLAT!_

The disgusting Earth garbage splattered onto both Louie and **Mike** as they fell onto the ground together in a tangle of noodles and limbs. The sauce stung **Mike's **skin where it touched him (a fact that can only be blamed on the cooking, considering **Mike's **dearth of any Irken blood), and he cursed angrily in about six languages as Zim jumped up onto the table over him, and Louie sat up to glare at him, spaghetti noodles falling from his hair.

"SUCCESS! VICTORY IS MINE!" the Irken screamed, punching the air. Then he turned and ran giggling from the cafeteria, as students glared after him with anger or confusion in their eyes.

"Ugh! Stupid Zim!" Louie raged, gently pushing Keef off of him as he struggled to his feet.

"Yes," **Mike **muttered, lip curled, containing in that one word more venom than Keef had ever employed in the totality of his life.

* * *

"Mwa-ha-ha!"

I ran into the hallway, giggling, before falling against a row of lockers to catch my breath. The sight of the Louie-hyuman covered in disgusting Earth-pasta! Oh!

I chuckled. Oh, this was fun! As much fun as the Dib, without any of the risk! What to do next!

I looked back at my locker, thinking about what I had stashed inside. A smile spread across my face. Well, _there_ was an idea...

* * *

Heh-heh...this was a fun chapter, wasn't it?

_Shut up._

No, really! I really liked this! I should add more with you in---

_I said, "Shut up."_

Oh, what, don't like Italian? Maybe next chapter I should have GIR throw some tacos at you? Or maybe a big hamburger could---

_SLAP!_

OW!

_Good. I think you finally have a grasp on the whole "Shut up" concept we were discussing earlier. Good author. You get a cookie._

...But you don't have a c---

_SLAP!_

OW! STOP IT!


	10. Disguises

**Author's Notes: **_Huh? What? An _update? _In_ January? _But we just had the last one at the end of December! Perhaps JoeMerl _will_ keep his resolution to update this story more regularly---he even has the next three chapters already written, in preparation for next week when he returns to skool. But then, he is still JoeMerl, so I suspect he'll soon fall into old habits and let both this _and_ his homework suffer. But until then, enjoy another tale of me _trying_ to make you humans act less stupid. The very fact that this story_ exists _shows how futile that goal probably is._

* * *

Chapter Nine  
Disguises

AUGUST 26, PRESENT, 14:55:00  
LOUIE'S POV

_Dear Log,_

_Today has not been fun so far._

_Zim has been bothering me more than usual today. Not just his usual glares or occasional insults; he was watching me (extra creepily) all morning, threw his food at me during lunch (I was late for class cleaning the spaghetti sauce out of my hair), and has been throwing spitballs and paper wads at me all afternoon. AGH! There's another one. Every time I feel one I hear his evil little chuckle in the background...I swear, I have a pair of scissors in my desk, I have half a mind to jump up and try to dissect him right now. And frankly, if it turns out he _is_ a human, I won't be too bothered by it. And __just to make my day _extra fun, _Keef is acting really weird today too. (I mean weird-weird, not Keef-weird.) I think he might be coming down with something---his voice sounds a bit hoarse, and he seems really out of it. In a really annoying way. _

_But more important than all that---earlier today, when Zim was just starting on his extra-jerky kick, he said something that---to me anyway---sounded like he was admitting that he was an alien. I couldn't tell if it was a mistake or if he was trying to mock me or what, but if it really _was _an admission...er! What am I going to do?! Of course this had to happen the very same day I've been assigned to work on another project! I had been planning to work on that after skool today...or should I keep working on Zim instead? I don't know, but_

"Louie!"

"Agh!"

I jumped, splattering ink onto my journal before looking up at Ms. Bitters. "Yes, ma'am?!"

"Are you paying attention?"

"Um...sure?" This came out a bit lamely, but I flashed the most confident smile I could at her.

She glared suspiciously. "Alright, then," she said, swooping back up to her desk.

I sighed and closed my log, quickly stashing it away in my backpack. As I did, I felt another little tap from something hitting my hair, followed by an evil little cackle from the other side of the room.

I growled, shooting Zim a look. He gazed back at me triumphantly, then kicked up his legs on his desk and leaned back with a grin.

"_Uh. _Bloody idiot," Keef muttered. I jumped slightly; he was already looking the other way, gazing distractedly out the window. I stared at him for a moment, shook my head, then turned back to Ms. Bitters.

I glanced at the clock repeatedly; the day was almost over, thank goodness, but Ms. Bitters continued to drone on about something. I couldn't pay attention---the questions I had been writing were still weighing too heavily on my mind. I ground my teeth in annoyance; I had always listened to the Eyeballs before, but this new idea of theirs was just infuriating. I had never intended Project D to become my main assignment, not while Zim was still a threat, anyway; and now, just as soon as I'd been reassigned, he suddenly starts dropping hints and acting ten times more annoying than usual. What was I going to do?

Both, I thought. Could I? That was an awful lot of work...but then, I really had no idea how much work Project D was going to need. Could be I'd start investigating and find out my previous theory was bupkes. Or I could be right about another theory I had: that the two projects were actually one in the same, that whatever my sensors had detected really did have something to do with Zim, even though I'd been unable to find any proof. But still, I would need to start investigating before I knew any of that. So maybe that was it. I should start on that right away, then evaluate a proper course of act---

PING.

"_Damn it!_"

I spun around in my seat, just as I saw the straw in Zim's hand shoot under his desk. I snarled at him. He grinned back wickedly.

"Louie! Is there something you want to share with the class?"

"No, just Zim's face," I growled under my breath, balling one hand into a fist.

_Riiiiiiiing._

"Alright class, remember, you all have an oral project due next Wednesday. Those who fail to complete it in time will be suspended. We've been meaning to test the new chords..."

I threw everything into my backpack and looked up to glare at Zim, just in time to watch him swoop out of the room. Hmm. He usually waited for everyone else to leave first...yet another tiny bit of data to annoyingly tantalize me.

"That Zim sure is acting extra annoying today, isn't he?" Keef muttered, falling into step behind me.

I raised an eyebrow. "I thought you liked him." It was both the most endearing and annoying fact about Keef: he liked _everyone._

"_What?!_ I mean...er, yeah. Usually. But he's been, er...well, a lot _worse_ lately, hasn't he?"

"Definitely," I muttered, turning at the door and making my way down the hall. "The way he's been acting today...gives me half a mind to..."

"To what?"

"...Eh, you wouldn't be interested."

"No, really, what?"

I raised an eyebrow at him. It wasn't so much the question; just something odd about the way he'd said it. _Okay, Lou, you're getting paranoid here..._

"Well, it was just my Eyeball meeting last night...they told me to ignore Zim and work on something else."

"And?"

I blinked, surprised. Somehow the question had been startling, though it took me a moment to pinpoint why. I was expecting a happy response; though Keef was usually kind of interested in my paranormal stuff (or anything anyone ever said about anything, for that matter), I knew that he felt uncomfortable about the way I had been stalking "someone as nice as Zim." I would have thought he'd be happy I was moving on to something else.

"Well, you remember those observations I told you about a week or two ago?"

"...Ih, sure, why not?"

"Well, they want me to focus on that. Apparently I haven't made enough progress with Zim yet," I grumbled, glaring at the ground. "As if any of them could do better...well, maybe TunaGhost..."

Keef was silent for a moment. "So, you've, er...noticed some strange things lately?"

"Well, not much. Just those readings I told you about. Other than that, though...not much."

Keef seemed to think about that for a long time. "Well, do you know what else _I've _noticed?"

"What?"

"There've been a lot more GFiB attacks lately."

I half-looked back at him, eyebrow raised again. "Well, a little. But those things always fluctuate."

"True...but still."

"Still what?"

Keef dropped his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "Well, if you ask me---"

"HI-YA!"

"_Agh!_"

I spun around, just as the locker beside me---which, I realized dimly in the back of my mind, was Zim's---came a green blur, and before I could do more than raise my arm in defense I felt something bang down against my head, sending me to the ground, and something sticky and wet dripping down my face.

"_Ugh! ZIM!_"

"Ha HA, Louie-hyuman!" Zim screeched, as I pulled the bucket out from my hair. "How do you like THAT, huh? _Huh?!_"

"What the---" I examined a drop of the substance on my finger. "Is this _glue?!_"

"Why, yes. Yes it is. HA! VICTORY IS MINE! HA! HA-HA! Pit-i-ful Lou-beast! Look at you, lying there in your gluey, gluey glue-mess of---hey, AGH!"

I don't entirely remember thinking to myself, "Hey, I'm going to strangle Zim now," but neither was I entirely surprised or upset to find my fingers wrapped around his throat. "Hey---let go of me!" he croaked, as I tightened my hands, shoving him roughly against the wall as bits of glue dribbled from my hair.

And thus began my first actual fight with Zim. The little green bastard pushed against me, throwing me back---but with the side effect of pushing _himself _back with me, when, who could have guessed it, touching me made his hands stick to my shirt. My hands were still around his neck---stuck---as we fell onto the floor, kicking, shoving and biting each other furiously and becoming more and more entangled in the sticky mess Zim had caused.

"Get _off _of me, pathetic hyuman!"

"You little green freak---!"

The two of us slammed into Keef---he let out a cry of shock as he became mixed in with us, receiving a few stray blows, his own uncharacteristic curses and insults mixed with our own.

"Agh!"

The three of us slammed into the wall---my head hit it with a sharp pain, sending a flash of white through my vision, before the three of us managed to become unstuck, Keef falling to the ground beside me and Zim flying across the hall to slam into the opposite wall.

He moaned, climbing shakily to his feet. And as he did, one of his eyes fell out.

I jumped. "Agh!"

Zim lifted his head to look up---where one of his eyes had been a moment before, there now was a large, shiny pink space, which narrowed along with his normal eye to glare at me. "You are right to scream in fear, pathetic hyuman!" he snapped, pointing at me. "For if you think I will tolerate your attacks, you have---something else coming! And I---"

He suddenly froze, staring at me. I knew my mouth must be hanging open, but I made no attempt to close it, or to correct the shocked look that had taken over my face.

Suddenly Zim's normal eye snapped to the ground, and he noticed what had fallen from his face---a thin, curved something like a fragment of a very large eggshell. Then, slowly, one gloved hand came up to touch his face. He touched the red spot where his eye had been, and his face turned almost white.

He stared at me again, then down at the thing on the floor. Then he screamed.

"AAAGGGHHH! AAAGGGHHH AAAGGGHHH AAAGGGHHH!"

He swooped down, grabbed the fake eye and ran, screaming like a maniac. I simply stared after him, and only when I heard the front doors to the skool slam was I finally able to speak.

"That---that---that---that was---"

"---His real eye, yes," Keef muttered.

I spun around to stare at him. His eyes were narrowed, cold, but his mouth was twisted into a smile. Not a normal Keef smile, which was wide and happy, but a very small little grin that seemed somehow sinister.

He looked up at me sharply. He blinked. "Well?"

I blinked back. "Well, what?"

Keef's face twisted as he held out a hand. "Go after him! Stop him! Aren't you going to---to---chase him or something?!"

"Chase him? I..."

I stared off towards the front doors of the skool. I bit my lip.

"Come on, Louie!" Keef said, grabbing my arm. "You just---just saw proof that he's really an alien!"

Did I? My mind was racing. "I---maybe---"

"You want to catch him, don't you?! Now's your chance!"

I turned to stare at him. I felt a chill go down my side. "What's with you today?!" I asked suddenly, pulling away.

Keef drew back, letting go of my arm. "Huh?"

I shook my head. "I'm going---home," I said finally. "To take a shower," I added with a grimace, shaking my arms and sending bits of glue-glop onto the floor. "I can't go after Zim today. I have something else to do."

I turned and walked away without another word.

I could feel Keef staring after me, but I didn't turn or say anything else. Something about him was freaking me out too much. The way he was acting, his sudden hatred for Zim...

I shook my head. I wouldn't be going after Zim today.

But I sure as hell would be going after Project D.

* * *

**A/N:** Another chapter done! And three more saved up. I still do wonder if it will be enough...once I go back to school, how much time to write will I have? We'll have to see...next update within two weeks at the latest, so if this story isn't longer by January 17, feel free to yell at me.

In other news: I'm also editing Chapter Two a bit (note: that's actually the third chapter, because of the Introduction), but that's just to take out some info that I put in too early---you need not go back if you don't want to. Also, please check out "10 IZ Pairings You've Probably Never Thought Of;" this newest pairing is the very funniest, I think. Anyway, bye for now, Happy New Year, and please leave reviews!


	11. Plans

Hello again, my fanfic fans. This is JoeMerl---

_---And **Mike.**_

Yeah, him. Anyway, welcome to another chapter of "Death of the Dib." Glad for all the reviews and such. Well, I'm not quite keeping to the schedule for this story that I was hoping---

_He hasn't written a new word since New Year's._

...Yeah. But I'll get on that, and I still have two chapters pre-written. So, no immediate problem.

_If you didn't waste so much time reading _Total Drama Island_ fanfiction..._

Anyway, here's a new chapter, and I hope you all enjoy.

* * *

Chapter Ten  
Plans

"Grrr…"

"Keef" stormed down the halls, banging into trashcans and slamming opened lockers shut angrily, his face an uncharacteristic mask of fury.

The front doors to the skool flew open, and the boy stormed out down the steps.

BANG!

"Psst! **_Mike! Mike!_**"

He turned; **Juan** and **Lakeisha** were peeking out from the nearby bushes. Without a word **Mike** spun on Keef's heel and stormed over to them.

Halfway there Keef's body simply collapsed; like a marionette with its strings cut, he suddenly went from stomping across the grass to lying facedown upon it, leaving **Mike** to fly across the lawn towards his companions, glowing red with rage.

"_Er…how'd it go?_" **Lakeisha** asked nervously, as **Mike** shook with his tendrils crossed.

"_Like a Planet Jacker's bar mitzvah,_" **Mike **growled, glaring over at him.

Juan gasped. "Really?! Who got eaten?"

**Mike** ignored the question. "_What happened?_" **Lakeisha** asked.

**Mike **growled. "_I may have...overdone my part a bit,_" he grumbled. "_The human Keef proved utterly useless. Even as we speak, Louie is off working on his 'Project D.'"_ He made air quotations with his tentacles.

"_Aw man,_" **Juan** said.

"_So what do we do now, sir?_"** Lakeisha** asked, saluting.

**Mike** sighed. "_Well, we'll have to come up with a new plan,_" he muttered. He paused. "_I wonder what Zim is up to..._"

* * *

AUGUST 25, PRESENT, 15:22:09  
ZIM'S POV

SLAM!

I stormed into the room. "COM-PU-TER!"

"_Ugh…_you cannot possibly realize how annoying you are, Zim. If you did, I'm sure you'd kill yourself."

I slammed the door behind me and pointed at the ceiling accusingly. "YOU LIED TO ZIM! You told me that the Louie-monster was no threat to me!"

"What? No I didn't---"

"You told me he was weak! You told me he was stupid! You told me I didn't need to fear him, that I could do whatever I desired to his stupid selfhood without any risk to me and my amazing plans!"

"I did?"

"YES, YOU DID!"

"Um…okay. Sorry, then?"

"_Ugh!_"

I jumped into the toilet and began to descend. "And you do realize, then, what this supposedly-harmless little monkey-boy just _DID?_ He _EXPOSED ME!_ In front of a _HYUMAN!_"

"He did?"

"YES HE DID! Granted, that hyuman was Keef, but that _almost counts!_ You did not warn me that he was such a threat! You nearly destroyed our whole mission!"

"Oh." Pause. "Sorry, again?"

"You'd better be!"

I reached the labs; storming out into the room, I marched over to the main computer screen and began to address it instead. "I want to know everything there is to know about Louie! EVERYTHING! Give your datas to Zim!"

"Well, I've already pretty much told you everything I know."

"Well, it wasn't helpful!"

"Well, I don't know! I've never even met the guy. _You're_ the one who's seen him practically every day for the past six months."

"But I don't _remember_ any of that!"

"That isn't _my_ fault."

"UGH!"

"Mastah! Mastah!"

I turned, glaring; GIR came running up, holding a rubber piggy in one hand. He stopped inches from me, leaning back to view my full height. "_Hi,_" he said, waving. "Why ya yellin'? Did you find the mess I made?"

"What mess?"

"Uh, yeah. I was gonna say, don't go into Lab 11 today," the Computer muttered. "There was an…incident."

"I MADE BACON-WAFFLES!"

"…Yeah."

"Grrr." I tapped my foot impatiently, grounding my teeth. "Well, what am I supposed to do now?! I thought the Lou would be a simple opponent, that fighting him would be easier than it was with that stupid Dib-monkey! But now, after two measly days with the little…_thing,_ he manages to do what Dib was never able to!"

"I liked Dib," GIR mused. "Ooh! Let's invite him over for dinner!"

"GIR, we got rid of him, remember?!"

"…Oh yeah. Let's invite him over for breakfast instead!"

"Well, Zim, I don't know what you want me to do," the Computer grumbled. "You've dealt with Louie before. Just…keep at it?"

"But I don't REMEMBER dealing with him before, don't you get that?! I don't remember this timeline at all!" I tore at my wig angrily, realized I was still wearing it, and threw it angrily to the floor. "My brain is filled with nothing but Dib-knowledge! Despite me having never actually met Dib in this timeline! What I need to know is about Louie!"

"I like Louie," GIR said. "'Member that time he blowed up yer laser weasels? Hee-hee-hee…dat was _fuuun._"

"GIR, I said---wait," I said suddenly, turning to gape at him. "You remember things about Louie?"

"Yeah-huh."

"But two minutes ago you said you remembered things about Dib."

"Yes. Yes I did."

"So you remember _both_ timelines? How does that make sense?!"

GIR's eyes widened. "'Cause I can see through _TIME._"

He stared off into space for a moment, eyes gleaming strangely. Then there was a small _pffft_ sound. "Hee-hee…I farted."

"_Ugh!_" I waved the smell away. "Well, it's not enough that _you two_ remember what I and the Louie-beast have done. _I_ need to know it too!"

"Well, you remembered all that two days ago," the Computer muttered. "Before this whole…timeliney thing."

"Really? Hmm…"

I paused, considering this. It made a modicum of sense. My this-timeline self would have known about Louie, before the actual point when the timelines converged…so I logically _should_ have memories of Louie, hidden somewhere in my PAK. The key was to recover them…

"I'll be in Lab 11," I said slowly, heading to the lift.

"Um, bacon-waff---"

"Lab 12, then!" I snapped, as the elevator rose to take me to another section of the base.

* * *

"Ugh…"

Meef was sitting on the couch watching _The Happy Monkey Show_ (his parents only wanted their kids watching wholesome television, after all), when he heard the front door open; Keef staggered into the room, blinking, looking beat-up, dirty, and somewhat dazed.

"Keef!" Meef cried, jumping up and running over to give his older brother a big hug. Then he paused, looking him over. "What happened to you?"

"I'm…not totally sure," Keef admitted, rubbing his head; he must have been out of it, Meef thought, if he didn't even think to give him a big Keefy big-brother-hug back. "Are Mom and Dad home?"

"No, they're out looking for you," Meef said, looking up at Keef but keeping his arms wrapped around him. "What happened? And…" Meef squirmed a bit "why are you so sticky?"

"I'm not sure. The whole day's been kind of a blur. I think I should go take a shower."

"Okay."

…

"Um…I'm kind of stuck to you."

"Oh..."

* * *

Louie combed his wet hair up, glaring at his reflection in the mirror. Using the second half of that morning's bottle of hair gel, he managed to get it up, swept out of the bathroom to grab his spare trench coat, then jumped onto his computer.

"Okay, Project D…let's see what you're up to," he muttered.

_Click click._

A map of the city appeared. Louie bent down. A small red dot beeped on the right side of the screen…

Then it began to move.

Louie sucked in a breath. He leaned back, biting his lip. "Okay," he muttered to himself, rubbing his hands together. "What to do now?"

He should follow her, he thought. Track her movements. Find out what she's up to. Stay unseen, in the background, figure it out slowly. Like he'd tried to do with Zim.

_But our files show you have a tendency to be overly cautious...you need to learn to be more assertive. Perhaps then you would have some more clear evidence on your specimen..._

Louie grimaced. "Too cautious, eh? Well, maybe this time I'll try the direct approach," he mumbled, climbing out of his seat and out of the house.

* * *

Eh, not much happens, but I'm setting stuff up. The next two chapters are gonna be _big._ I'll post those in about a week. Until then, have a good life and please leave some of those fun-to-read reviews!


	12. Project D

_Well, JoeMerl has decided to take a break from his even _stupider_ ideas to work on _this_ story, and so, you all get a new chapter. And this one even has _plot development._ Oh my. It's like bloody Christmas all over again._

_His Technical Writing homework, you'll note, remains woefully undone._

* * *

Chapter Eleven  
Project D

AUGUST 26, PRESENT, 16:00:00

"Ma'am?"

She snapped out of her reverie. "What?!" she demanded, turning around.

"I said we need to go the long way. The radio just said there was a GFiB downtown."

"_Ugh_. Whatever," the girl grumbled, throwing herself back against her seat.

The limo turned, and the girl went back to glaring out the window. GFiBS. How annoying they were. Possibly the most irritating thing about moving here. Bad enough all the untouched _nature_ that this stupid place possessed, what did it say that these people couldn't even keep wildlife out of their cities?

The city flew by her, and the girl returned to her thoughts. She smiled. Two weeks. Only two weeks she'd been here, and already she'd accomplished so much. The seeds had been planted. But, she reminded herself, it would be long while before they bore fruit…how long she wasn't sure, but it could be months or more. No matter. She had waited decades already...

She sighed. How horrible this city was. Look at all the people, the cars, all the stupid signs advertising stupid things to stupid people too stupid to realize how stupid they were. But still, that could work for her advantage…already, she had the germs of a plan in her mind.

"Driver?"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Take me to Daddy's office instead. I wish to see him."

"Yes, ma'am."

She smirked. Ask and ye shall receive. So wonderfully simple, and such a nice change of pace.

The car slowed to a stop at a red light. Her hand moved silently out to pet the creature beside her on the seat, which moved closer to her, blinking its large eyes. It scratched lightly against her clothes. She turned. "What?"

The pet turned its head around, motioning towards the back window. The girl sat up straighter in her seat and looked around.

There was a boy on the sidewalk, sitting on the seat of an immobile bicycle, staring at her car. His helmet was jammed atop a copious amount of blond hair, standing up like one of those horrible little troll dolls she had seen at the stores. Hunched over in his seat, a beige trench coat thrown over his shoulders, he stared at them with narrowed blue eyes, looking sharp and determined.

She gasped. "_Him._"

Just then the car moved again; and, a mere moment later, so did the boy's bicycle.

The girl's head snapped around. "Driver! Go faster!"

"I'm going as fast as I can, ma'am. Don't worry, we'll be at your father's office in---"

"I don't care about that, you idiot! Just---turn this way instead!" she demanded, pointing down a different road.

The driver obeyed. The girl looked back. The boy on the bicycle was still following.

"Well, it certainly looks like we're being followed," she muttered to her pet. "Driver! Go---er, down Crestwall Street!"

"Crestwall? Ma'am, if you want to see your father, you---"

"Floyd can get _bent _for all I care, just take me down Crestwall!"

"Er, yes ma'am."

For the next twenty minutes the girl barked orders at her idiotic driver, exhausting her limited knowledge of this new environment, taking every twist and turn through the city that she could think of, all the while glancing back to see if her follower was still in pursuit.

"Oh, dear," the driver muttered, pulling to a stop. "Traffic's backed up for the next mile, ma'am. Look like there's been an accident of a GFiB up ahead…we may be stuck here for a while."

The girl sighed, flopping down in her seat. She glanced behind her again; the sidewalks were empty of anything but pedestrians. "That's…alright, driver," she said with exaggerated kindness, settling herself back down. "We're in no rush."

She smiled sweetly. He smiled back at her, until he turned and she drew back into her seat with a sullen expression. Her pet crawled across the seat toward her, arching her back and laying down. The girl reached out to stroke her again.

"Well, my dear, not exactly the ideal position, is this?" the girl muttered, as the creature gazed up at her blankly. "But no matter. The point is, we managed to evade the…the…"

Her mouth fell open. The stroking stopped.

There, a few cars ahead of them, the boy on the bicycle emerged out of an alley.

Oh, bollocks. The little bugger knew a short cut.

The girl's pet had risen to its feet, gazing out the window with her mistress. Cursing, the girl scooped her into her arms. "I have an idea," she muttered, and quickly typed something out on the little keypad built into the car's armrest.

Meanwhile, the driver, oblivious to this, was peering out the front windshield, frowning at the traffic. He didn't think it was a GFiB after all---there were no Anti-GFiBS patrols, soldiers or scientists around---but still, it looked like they would be there for at least a half-hour. He was glad his charge was taking it so well; she had seemed to be in such a hurry for something---

He heard the sound of a car door slam. He jumped and spun around. "Miss---"

She was sitting there in the backseat, the car door closed, leaning her elbow against the armrest and looking thoroughly bored. "Ma'am? Did you just open the car door?"

She didn't answer. He frowned; he reached out to get her attention. "Ma'am, did---"

He jumped back; his hand had passed right through her shoulder, and she wavered slightly in the air, her form becoming somewhat distorting before resuming its normal shape.

The driver frowned, reaching his hand back. "O-kay…"

------------------------------------------------------

A gasping sound filled the empty alley, along with the sounds of footsteps pounding on the pavement. A moment later, the air seemed to shimmer, and the girl was standing there, pet in her arms.

"There," she muttered, letting the creature down; it slid easily out of her grasp and onto the sidewalk, cocking its head. "We should be safe from him here."

The creature considered her with its large, red eyes. The girl, meanwhile, had turned away, making a face while her finger thoughtfully stroked her chin.

This wasn't part of the plan at all. She'd known about this boy from her survaillance of Zim, but she hadn't suspected…how had he found her? This could ruin everything, if he knew about her, if he uncovered her plans before she even had a chance to begin to construct the---but what to do now, then?

A sudden footstep behind her. "Hello."

"_Agh!_"

She spun around; there he was, that boy, suddenly standing behind her in the alley! How had he---?! He had abandoned the bike and helmet somewhere, and now stood before her in his usual clothes, trench coat wafting slightly behind him in the breeze, arms crossed over his chest, a clever little smile playing on his face. _Probably just the dramatic effect he was looking for,_ she thought sarcastically.

The girl took a deep breath, drew herself up to her full height and stared at him. "Hello."

The boy stared back at her, eye-to-eye, as she glared at him from ten feet away. She was, he thought, somehow ferocious-looking. For a moment she tilted her head back, and her violet eyes seemed to flash in the light of the sun, almost blinding him; but winced slightly and steadied himself, staring right back at her.

The girl's gaze faltered. Oh bloody hell. This wasn't working right at all.

Time to try a different tack.

The girl raised her head again, pulling it back haughtily to glare down her nose at the boy, violet hair falling gracefully around her face. "And who, may I ask, _are_ you, chasing me across town and down the street?! I should call the police on you this very moment, you---stalker! I don't think you realize who you're dealing with! I am---"

"Tak Deelishus, daughter of Floyd Deelishus and heir to the Deelishus Weenie Corporation." He walked around the alley toward her, and then, when he was only a few feet away, suddenly bent down, almost bowing, holding out a hand to shake hers, that infuriating little smile still on his face. "The name's Louie Membrane. Happy to make your acquaintance."

* * *

In your reviews, please be sure to tell me at exactly what point you realized it was her. Seriously, I'm curious to know.

The next _Zim_ story I'm likely to update will be "Endorsements of the Doomed"...last chapter up on Inauguration Day. Until then!


	13. Memories

_This late update brought to you by procrastination and JoeMerl's addiction with _Total Drama Island _fanfiction. He's also behind on his homework. (sigh) How someone so pathetic managed to create someone as amazing as me is simply baffling..._

* * *

Chapter Twelve  
Memories

_Dear Log,_

_The plans have hit a complication. Louie Membrane is onto me. He has tracked me down and requested "aid" in an "investigation" of his. My only options are to either abandon my current plans and identity (which would no doubt only confirm his suspicions, leading him to pursue my further) or to comply._

_An obvious snag. But not necessarily one I cannot use to my advantage._

_And against Zim._

---From the Log of [self-proclaimed] Invader Tak, dated Day 148 of Year 1586 After the Great Calendar Startening (A.G.C.S.), Hour 22.00

* * *

AUGUST 27, PRESENT, 12:04:13  
ZIM'S POV

"A-HA! I have done it!"

"Done what?" the Computer asked dully. Off to the side, one of the room's many computer screens was displaying some sort of pitiful Earth-game called "Solitaire."

I scowled at its apparent lack of interest. "Pay attention! I, in my amazing amazingness, have figured out a way for me to access the memories of what has happened in this timeline, so that I can finally learn what I have forgotten about the Louie-hyuman. Behold!"

I motioned to the time machine; GIR, looking up from his blocks, blinked. "Ooooooh. I's shiny."

"No it isn't."

"…Oh, yeah." And he quickly lost interest and went back to his blocks.

I scowled again. "You two…behold!" I commanded, holding up a wire. "I have connected this wire between the time machine and my PAK. Since the time machine allows me to _look_ into the past, by connecting it to myself I can experience the events first-hand and find out everything I need to know about Louie!"

"Huh. That's…actually pretty clever, Zim."

"Of course it is! _I_ thought of it!"

"…Yeah."

"Now!" I said, sitting down in my chair and twisting around to gaze at the main screen, "I'm going to need my attention undivided for the next few hours while my amazing brain processes this new data. So…"

I waved my hand around in a circle. There was a pause. "What?" the Computer asked, confused. Then, "Oh! Okay, I get it."

A tube came down from the ceiling right over GIR's head; instantly there was a huge sucking of air, and GIR looked up just as he flew into the tube with a WHOOSH!, the blocks flying up after him.

"WHEEEE-HOOOOO!" he cried, as the tube vanished back into the tangle of wires above.

"Good," I muttered. "And deactivate the lifts for the next few hours, would you? I only want to be disturbed for a real emergency."

"…This means I'm babysitting, doesn't it?"

"Yes."

"Damn it…"

I turned again in my seat and pressed a button on the control monitor. The main screen suddenly flashed a screen of the skool, along with a date, as I settled back and closed my eyes.

"Alright, Louie…let's see what there is to see. Let's see what mysteries you have been keeping from Zim. Let's see what---AGH! HeadacheheadacheheadacheAGH!"

I grabbed my head, screaming as my PAK began to absorb the datas, nd suddenly, I found myself standing in front of the class at skool.

* * *

_"Class, I would like to introduce the newest, hopeless appendage to the student body. His name is...Zim. Zim, if you have something to say, say it now, because after this moment, I don't wanna hear another sound from you!"_

_The majority of the class was completely uninterested in this new student; a few stared out the windows, a few kept their heads down doodling, a few looked on with feigned attention. Only one child in the class seemed to be paying serious attention to the proceedings._

_Louie stared. Unconsciously but openly, unabashed. He gaped at this new kid, and his look of absolute astonishment only grew as the boy began to speak._

_"Hello, friends. I am a perfectly normal human worm baby. You have nothing, absolutely_ nothing _to fear from me. Just pay no attention to me and we'll get along just fine."_

_"Take you seat _now,_ Zim," Ms. Bitters snapped._

_And Zim, ever so calmly, walked over to an empty chair and sat down._

_Louie's head turned to follow Zim as he walked, mouth slightly open, eyes wide in astonishment. He barely heard Ms. Bitters as she began the class._

_"Today's lecture is about outer space... and how it will eventually _implode_ in on itself!"_

_The new kid suddenly climbed on top of his desk, raising both arms into the air._

_"Yes, Zim?" Ms. Bitters asked._

_**"**In the event of, say, a full scale alien invasion, how prepared do you think this planet's defenses would be? Tell _ME!_"_

_Louie's mouth simply dropped open. He turned around, staring at the other disinterested kids in the room for a moment, before his head quickly snapped back to stare at this..._Zim. _Ms. Bitters, Louie was somewhat relieved to see, was taking the question somewhat incredulously herself. She simply deadpanned on Zim for a moment, then launched back into the lecture. ("Doom, doom, doom,_ doom_...")_

_The usual classroom atmosphere took over; kids began to look bored, doing their best to ignore Ms. Bitters' depressing lesson. The new kid, Zim, however, was sitting very carefully in his seat, hands folded in front of him, smiling around the room. "I'm normal," he muttered out of the corner of his mouth, leaning over to speak to Zita. She gave him a look, then went back to staring at Louie._

_Louie, all the while, continued to stare at Zim._

_Zim, after a moment, noticed this attention; he turned, looked at Louie, and gave a big, forced smile. "I'm normal," he said softly, his voice somewhat hard to hear across two other kids._

_Louie made no response to having heard him. He just gaped._

_Zim squirmed for a moment, then turned away, looking very carefully at anything other than Louie._

_Louie, after a moment, turned away too, shaking his head, but then immediately snapped back to stare at Zim again. He rubbed his eyes with his knuckles, blinking. No, that was right, it wasn't his vision; he half-stood in his seat, turning his head, trying to see Zim from different angles. It wasn't just a trick of the light, was it? His skin really _was_ green?_

_Louie sat back down, head in his hands. He looked quickly around the room at his fellow students. No one else seemed to be paying more than passing attention to the new kid. Well, except Keef in the back, who just kept smiling at Zim, the same way he would to anyone else. He gave a small wave to Louie as he stared, who gave a weak wave back before turning back to Zim._

_"'Hyuman worm-baby?'" Louie muttered. "'Full-scale alien invasion?'"_

_Zim stole a look back at Louie. Louie stared back. He realized in retrospect that this must look incredibly rude, but at the moment his usual sense of decorum was kind of impaired. All he could do was stare at this kid._

_Zim kept looking carefully away._

_And class just went on like that for the rest of the day._

_--------------------------------_

_"Hey, uh---Zim!"_

_The green boy paused on the steps of the skool. His head snapped around._

_Oh, no. It was that boy from the classroom._

_The hyuman child ran up to him, stopping for a moment to catch his breath. Zim noted that he didn't stop _right_ in front of him---rather he stood a few feet back. The blond boy looked around for a moment at the empty skoolyard, then back at Zim. He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Hello."_

_Zim waited for a moment, trying to determine if this was some sort of threat. Finding nothing suspicious about it, he simply said, "...Hi."_

_Pause. "I'm, uh, Louie Membrane," the boy said. He extended his hand, but came no closer; Zim could have just shaken it if he extended his own arm as far as it could go._

_He chose not to. "Er, um...hello, Louie-hyuman. I am Zim. I'm normal."_

_"...Yeah, about that. Do you, uh...mind if I ask you a question?"_

_"Yes. Yes I do."_

_Louie blinked. Clearly that had not been the answer he was expecting. Zim cleared his throat. "I mean, uh, of course not, my fellow...skoolyard chum," Zim said jovially, trying his best to diffuse what somehow felt like a dangerous situation. (He moved his arm slightly out of sight, noted with a bit of dread that his Self-Destruct button had automatically slid out from his sleeve.) "Feel free to ask me anything! I am an open book. A completely normal, open book. You read those, you know."_

_"...Yeah. I don't mean to be rude, but...why is your skin_ green?_"_

_"Oh---that?" Zim gave a very forced chuckle. Inside, he was panicking. _How did he notice that?!_ "I, uh...I have a skin condition!" he said brightly, smiling a big, false grin._

_Louie blinked. "A...skin condition?"_

_"Yes. A normal one," he added helpfully._

_The boy was doing that "gaping" thing again. He shook his head and recovered. "But---why don't you have ears? Or a nose?!" Louie motioned to Zim's face, totally aware that this would be totally horrible to say if his theory was wrong. At the moment, though, he was having a hard time thinking it_ could _be._

_"Oh, that? That's...part of my skin condition," Zim said. He felt a bead of sweat roll from under his wig and into his tunic. Slowly, almost unconsciously, he began to back up down the skool steps._

_Which only made Louie step closer. "...Okay. But what was that you said in class, about---a full-scale alien invasion, or something?"_

_Oh Irk. Zim looked around wildly. He was not supposed to have been discovered! "Um...I, uh...I don't know what you're talking about."_

_"What you said in class. You asked Ms. Bitters about Earth's defenses in case of an alien invasion." _

_Zim took another step backwards. "Oh, I, uh...think you must have misheard me..."_

_Louie's eyes narrowed. He dropped his head down slightly. When he spoke again, it was barely more than a whisper. "You're an alien, aren't you?"_

_Zim's eyes widened. He took another step back---and tripped. He stumbled down the steps and landed on the sidewalk with a THUD. But he instantly jumped up, looked around wildly, then pointed accusingly at Louie. "I'M NORMAL!" he screamed. Then, without another word, he spun around and raced back to his base, leaving a very confused---and suspicious---Earth boy behind him._

* * *

"Eugh..."

My eyes closed tighter; I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat, as more images began to flash through my PAK and into my mind...

_

* * *

_

_"So, Zim...I've been hearing some interesting things about you."_

_"Interesting?! _Me?_ I have no idea what you're talking about."_

_"Really?" He stared at me carefully. "Because I have it from your new 'best friend' that you don't like to invite people into your house."_

_Zim frowned. So, that Melvin had gone blabbing, eh? "Yes, well---at least my best friend doesn't---have---red hair!" Zim said accusingly, pointing at Keef._

_Keef frowned slightly and fingered his red puff. Louie scowled, shaking his head. "Well, Zim, Keef and I have been in each other's houses tons of times," he said, leaning down to stare Zim right in the violet eyes. "I just can't help but wonder what it is in _your_ house that you don't want people to see."_

_With that he walked calmly back to his own desk; Keef, after flashing Zim a small smile, scurried after him. Zim sat back, scowled, and made a mental note to fire Melvin that afternoon._

_--------------------------------_

_"Well, your parents sure are...interesting, Zim," Louie muttered, giving that infuriating little half-smile of his while sipping punch out of a paper cup._

_"Said the boy being raised by a floating screen," Zim grumbled, crossing his arms sullenly._

_Louie scowled. Just then, Zim noticed that Robomom had started to horribly beat the woman she was talking to. Alien and boy both spun around, and Zim quickly raced over to the scene to diffuse the situation, while Louie watched shrewdly, eyes narrowed._

_--------------------------------_

_"I hope your species doesn't go through any more weird alien molting phases, Zim. Because next time, I _will_ catch you."_

_--------------------------------_

_"I don't know exactly what that weird...dog-robot-house thing was, but I know you had something to do with it, Zim."_

_--------------------------------_

_"If my dad hadn't been out of town this week, Zim, I would have had the Swollen Eyeball all over you by now..."_

_--------------------------------_

_Zim was staring off into space when Louie's hands suddenly slammed down onto his desk. He looked up, startled._

_"Eugh---what?"_

_"Okay, Zim," Louie said, glaring down at him with a look of fury, "don't even pretend it wasn't you this time. I know that you were behind the Ultra-Peepi disaster."_

_Zim scowled; it wasn't enough for the boy to_ _foil_ _his brilliant plan, now he had to rub his face in it too? "I don't know what you're talking about, Louie."_

_Louie gave a short, mirthless laugh. "A clever plan, really. Come up with a monster even the Anti-GFiB Squads can't fight. Too bad GFiBS _can._" He gave a small smile, marvelling in his own brilliant strategy, then leaned down. Zim drew back; Louie didn't stop until the two were nose-to-empty-space-where-the-nose-should-be. "But you made a mistake this time, Zim. Now, I _know_ that everything you claim is a lie. And you better believe that I'm going to do something about it."_

_He straightened suddenly, turned on his heel and stormed away. Zim looked flabbergasted for a moment, then set his face back into its usual defiance. "You know nothing, Louie-beast!" he called. Louie didn't answer, but simply stormed out of the room._

_

* * *

_

"Agh!"

Panting, I reached behind me and pulled the plug out of my PAK. The images, sounds and flashes of memory slowly began to fade from my eyes as I slumped in my chair, panting.

"Zim? You okay?"

I didn't answer for a moment; my amazing head was pounding, aching after an overload of new information. I shook my head. "Yes, of course…eugh…"

I jumped off of the chair (which just made my head throb harder) and marched across the room, thinking. "So…it turns out the Louie is a bit farther along than I had feared," I mumbled, rubbing my chin. "This complicates things…"

I stood there for a moment, deep in thought. Clearly, I was right in assessing that the Computer had not given me proper information about the Louie-hyuman before; even if he was not openly announcing my real identity like the Dib was, he was still clearly a bigger threat than I had been led to believe. He had ruined several of my previous plans, apparently…including plans that had, in the former timeline, been halted by the Dib…

I grimaced. "Two of a kind," I grumbled. "Ugh! It's like a---a stupid repeat! One stupid para-whatsit investigator-boy in that universe, another one here! Why can Zim never win?"

"Well, based on what you told me, the two are kind of different, right?" the Computer asked.

I looked up. "Huh?"

"Well, this Bid---"

"Dib."

"---whoever, tried to tell people about you. Louie hasn't. So they're obviously not exactly the same. Maybe there's…I don't know…some difference you can exploit…or something."

I waved my hand dismissively. "Ugh! That's stupid! That…" I paused. "Actually, that's brilliant! HA! Figure out how the two are different and use that to exploit Louie's weaknesses! AMAZING! I'm glad I thought of it."

"…Yeah. Can I go back to my Internet poker now?"

I frowned, ignoring him and rubbing my chin again. "Now, how can I figure this out?" I wondered.

"Hmm." The Computer considered. "Well, I think I might know someone who can help you…"

* * *

Who could it be? Find out..._soon!_ I don't know when; I have the next chapter written, but it'll be the last chapter in my "reserves" so I want to get a bit more writing done before I update. Since I currently have...like, four or five "open" stories, a few near completion, I'd like to finish those before returning to this.

_So you mean you're not going to start any _new_ stories during that time?_

No. ...Well...

_JoeMerl..._

Just, like, maybe a one-shot or something! That Noah/Eva story would only be a couple of chapters at most, and I could start on that other thing---

_SLAP!_

Hey!

_You're weak! Pathetic! You have even less self-control than most members of your species! (SLAP!)_

Stop that!

_(SLAP!SLAP!SLAP!SLAP!SLAP!)_

_DAH!_

(Jumps on **Mike,** insert cartoonish-dusty-fight-scene here.)


	14. Keef Quiet

Hey, everyone. Sorry it took a while to get this chapter up. It's a kind of short one, but---

_If it's so short, you should have been able to get it up faster._

Yeah, but I'm trying to stay ahead, and the _next_ chapter's a long one. And I did warn everyone it might be a while. Anyway, the point is, here's the new chapter, so everyone stop bugging me. Enjoy.

* * *

Chapter Thirteen  
Keef Quiet

_Dear Log,_

_Contact with Subject D has been made. Further investigation to take place this afternoon. Am still wondering if I should have been so direct about the issue, but given how difficult things have been up until now I'm hoping that this will be the best way to figure out what's up. I'm also not sure if I made the right idea about not looking into Zim. He isn't in class right now; could he be skipping on purpose? Almost definitely yes; maybe he's even left the planet already, for all I know, with his real identity exposed._

_At least, I think so. I mean, I can't be totally sure...but seeing that weird eye thing is pretty hard to explain otherwise._

_Well, in lighter news, Keef is back to normal. I'm guessing that yesterday was just a twenty-four hour bug. He still seems a bit spacey today, at least in the sense that yesterday seems like a blank to him, but he's acting much more "Keefy," which is just fine with me. (No matter what Gaz or anyone else thinks.) Still, he was so weird yesterday. I'd almost think---no, Louie, stop that, don't get all paranoid. He was not hypnotized/brainwashed/an alien in disguise/whatever else your psycho mind can come up with. Besides, he hardly seemed to be a slave to Zim or anything, and Tak…well, somehow I just don't think she'd be behind that._

---From the Log of Ajunt Mofman, dated August 27

* * *

Keef was having a kind of weird day.

First of all, he still couldn't remember anything about the day before. Or not much, at least; it was all kind of a blur. He could remember going to skool, classes, lunches (including, when Louie reminded him, the spaghetti incident), but everything was kind of…weirdly foggy and vague.

The other big thing was that Louie was treating him funny. Apparently he'd acted "really, really weird" the day before, and at first his best friend seemed reluctant to be around him. That made Keef sad. Seeing this, Louie seemed to be a bit more open to idea that things were back to normal, which made Keef happy again. He hated it was Louie was mad at him. Not that Louie ever was. But just the thought of it was so scary, that his absolute bestest friend in the whole wide universe might want to stop being friends…ugh, it was too horrible to think about!

"So I sure am happy that you're not mad at me anymore," Keef said during lunchtime, nodding decisively and taking a sip from the straw of his milk.

Louie snorted a bit into his food.

Keef frowned. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing," Louie said with a smile. "I guess I'm just happy your Keefness is back."

Keef grinned. Across the table, Gaz glared up from her Game Slave through heavily lidded eyes.

"Would you two stop talking? It's filling me with _rage._"

"Oh, go jump in a ball pit, Gothika," Louie said, rolling his eyes.

Keef laughed, until Gaz's Game Slave collided with his head.

He had forgotten: Louie might be safe from Gaz's violence, but Keef wasn't family, at least as far as she was concerned.

--------------------------------

"Now class, I hope you've all read today's horrible assignment, because now we're going to break into pairs to work on the problems at the back of the chapter," Ms. Bitters said.

Keef smiled. Oh boy! He loved it when they did things like that. It meant he would be allowed to talk to people during class.

"Now, everyone break up into teams and get to work," Ms. Bitters said, waving her hand. "If you need me for anything, I don't care." And she took out a book and disappeared behind it.

As all the kids in the room began to stir, Keef got up and began to walk over to Louie, who had already turned in his seat, expecting him. Keef was just reaching out to grab the chair when he suddenly felt himself stop. Something had grabbed him and was now pulling on the back of his collar, dragging him away.

"Ah, yes! Keef, old, er…pall. Come! You will be working with Zim today!"

"Huh?"

He looked back, startled, as Zim dragged him by the shirt away from Louie and back to his own desk.

"Huh? Zim? When did you get here, I thought you were absent---"

"Yes, yes, you think many stupid things. Now come!"

Keef was dragged helplessly back towards his own desk in the back of the room. Louie's mouth dropped open. He was so surprised by Zim's sudden appearance, not to mention the forcible kidnapping of his best friend, that he failed to notice Gretchen trying to talk to him until he felt her tap on his shoulder.

"What?!" he snarled, spinning around before noticing her.

Gretchen jumped back. "Oh---sorry, Louie---I just---th-thought you might like to be my partner---but, uh---"

"What? Oh---no, no, sorry, Gretchen," he said quickly, feeling his face burn with shame. "Um, sorry---I was just---distracted---" He looked back towards Zim and Keef. "Um, sure, I'd…love to work with you."

"Oh." Gretchen gave a nervous smile as she sat down next to him. Across the room Zita---who had tripped over her own backpack in her mad rush to get to Louie---was glaring up at Gretchen with positively Gaz-ish rage.

--------------------------------

"So, um…what pages did Ms. Bitters say to do?"

Keef flipped through the skoolbook, glancing up at Zim and feeling unusually nervous. He liked Zim, he really did, even though Louie didn't. He liked everybody, after all. But still…there was something kind of…weird about the way Zim was looking at him right now. And Keef couldn't help but recall what Louie had said about Zim's eyes, though like most of the previous days, he couldn't really remember the incident well.

Zim waved his hand airily. "Oh, let's not worry about that, shall we?" he asked, taking the top of Keef's book and lowering it to the table with his gloved hand. "Why don't we just talk, hmm? As, erm…friends?"

Keef blinked. "We're friends?" He had always considered Zim and him friends---just as he did with most fellow carbon-based life forms, and most silicon-based ones too---but he was surprised, although pleasantly, to hear Zim refer to him that way.

"Why, yes, of course we are," Zim spat out quickly. "So," he leaned forward, violet eyes narrowing, "I was wondering if you could help me with a few little…erm, problems I have."

"What kind of problems?"

"They have to do with Louie."

"What kind of problems with L---"

He broke off in mid-sentence, his small Keefish mind suddenly going on the alert. He wasn't supposed to talk to Zim about Louie, he remembered. Louie had told him that…though he hadn't always listened before. Once, Keef had accidentally told Zim some things about Louie's home security systems, and the next day Louie had screamed at Keef that Zim had managed to break in and destroy what little evidence Louie had been able to obtain against him. It was one of the few times that Louie had ever yelled at Keef, and stood out vividly in his memory as something he didn't want to repeat.

Zim was watching him expectantly. Keef drew slowly away. "I'm…not sure that I can help you, Zim."

Zim blinked. His face faltered for a moment, looking confused. But it returned to normal after just a moment, gazing at him shrewdly.

"Oh, come now, Keef old pall of mine," he said, giving him a playful (but rather hard) punch on the shoulder. ("Ow!") "Just a little question! You can do that, can't you? _CAN'T YOU?!_"

"Well---"

"Excellent! So tell me---" He leaned forward conspiratorially again, and Keef, unable to restrain himself, bent down closer to hear him, "did you ever know of a hyuman by the name of…Dib?"

Keef drew back, startled. "Dib?!"

"Yeah, that's what I said. You knew him, didn't you?"

Keef frowned. They were _really _in forbidden territory now. "Um…yeah. He used to be my best friend."

Zim smiled. "Excellent! So tell me about him. Was he like Louie?"

"Well…a little, I guess. I mean, they're kind of brothers, so---"

"Excellent! So, how are they different?"

"Huh?"

"Does Louie have any---oh, I don't know---weaknesses that the Dib-monkey lacked? Extra stupidness? Breakable organs? Allergy to peanuts? _Tell me._"

"I---"

Zim leaned in closer; Keef leaned back. He shot a look across the room at Louie, who, he noticed, was looking out at him out of the corner of one eye even as Gretchen was talking to him. He gulped.

"I…really don't think I'm supposed to be talking to you about him, Zim. That's…private."

Zim blinked. This was not the answer he had been expecting at all, at least not from Keef. "What now?"

"Dib. He's…not really…any of your business." He gulped again, feeling a bead of sweat slither down from his head. "He was Louie and Gaz's brother, and they really don't like---"

"Oh, forget them!" Zim snapped, making a sudden fist. "Give me your Dib-related datas! _Give them to Zim!_"

"I---uh---"

He looked around wildly, trembling slightly, feeling trapped between the hungry look in Zim's eyes and the cautious one visible from Louie across the room.

Suddenly he shot his fist into the air. "BATHROOM!" he screamed, before jumping up and running out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Everybody spun around to stare at Keef as he ran by, shocked by the sudden outburst. Even Ms. Bitters looked up briefly from her book, only to shrug and turn right back to it as the others stared at the closed door.

Within moments, though, Zim knew who the second person to look away was, as he felt Louie's eyes glaring into the back of his head.

* * *

How was this? It feels a bit...I don't know, rushed to me. Anybody else think so? Like I said, this could have been longer, but some scenes that could have been here got put into the next chapter. Anyway, until next time, please feel free to leave a review!


	15. Old Friend

Okay! It's been...less than a month, and that month is February so I'm kind of ahead in updating this, eh?

_Wow. Great job there with the low expectations, Joe. Although I suppose _high expectations_ would be a bit unrealistic..._

Heh-heh. Anyway, I'm starting to figure out my revised storyline now, so I've decided to give you all a new chapter to celebrate.

_That and Invaderzimfannumber1 has been bugging him. _

...Shut up, **Mike.** Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Chapter Fourteen  
Old Friend

LOUIE'S POV

I glared at Zim, who watched Keef flee with a look of astonishment on his face. I spun around suddenly as Gretchen tugged at the sleeve of my coat. "Louie? Are you okay?"

"Huh? Ugh---sure," I muttered, turning around to glare at the back of Zim's head again. "Grr…what do you say to Keef, you little green bastard…"

"Huh?"

I fumed for another moment, then turned back to her. "Listen, Gretch, I gotta go see what's the matter with Keef. Do you mind?"

"Oh…I guess not," she said, looking crestfallen. I felt a small stab of guilt for leaving her alone with the assignment, but forced myself to ignore it as I shove my hand in the air. "Ms. Bitters?"

"Huh?" She looked up, startled; she seemed to fallen asleep in the middle of her book. "Yes, Louie?"

"I have, um…a horrible pain in my---spleen," I said, grabbing my side unconvincingly. "May I be excused?"

"Sure, why not?" she muttered, waving her hand.

"Thanks." I jumped up, sent Zim wincing with one final death-glare, and ran out the door without another word.

* * *

As Keef slammed the classroom door shut and ran down the hall for the bathroom, he completely failed to notice the three alien figures that had been peeking in through the window, now laying flat against the wall to avoid being seen.

"_Well, that was close,_" **Lakeisha **muttered, floating away from the wall as the human boy turned a corner and vanished from sight.

"_Indeed,_" **Mike **muttered, stroking his chin---or the area of his body roughly corresponding to a chin---with one tendril. "_It seems weren't the only ones to think of using Keef for our plans…_"

"_So, what do we do?_" **Juan **asked.

Just then, the door slammed open again, slamming them all back into the wall; when the door closed they saw Louie, a fierce look on his face, running down the hall after Keef.

"_Well, _I_ say we follow that one,_" **Mike **muttered, flying down the hall after him.

* * *

Keef splashed some water onto his face from the dirty bathroom sink, blinking up at his reflection in the cracked mirror on the wall. He felt scared for some reason. He didn't like feeling scared. He barely ever felt scared. But he did now.

Zim could be kinda scary sometimes, he decided, looking at his wet, pale reflection. The way he had been looking at him…Keef wouldn't have been able to put it into words, but he could certainly feel, in his mind, the sense of hunger that Zim had, the eerie smoothness of his voice, the demanding tone and incredulity that Keef wouldn't provide what he wanted…

He turned around and leaned against the sink, breathing hard. And why had Zim asked him that stuff, anyway? he wondered. Louie was the only one he ever talked to about Dib…even Gaz, she never wanted to talk about him, and whenever Keef forgot that she was sure to remind him with a quick slap across the face. Just hearing somebody ask about that was…weird. That, combined with that scary look…

Keef shook his head to get rid of the thought. But still, he had to wonder...why had _Zim_ asked about _Dib?_

Dib...

__

"Alright, everybody take your seats. It's time to begin the skoolday."

Keef ran over to one of the many chairs of the kindergarten classroom, folding his hands on the table and grinning his Keefy grin. He smiled broadly at the other three children seated at his table; the girl with the tall purple hair and the tall black boy both ignored him, but the girl with the lavender pigtails smiled back at him shyly.

"Alright class, welcome to your first day of kindergarten! I'm your teacher, Ms.---oh, hello."

A tall man in a white coat had just entered the room, along with two children---a little girl who was maybe three or four, and an older boy in a blue sweater. The man quickly began to speak to the teacher, while the two children waited beside him, the girl standing calmly, the boy with searching eyes and a nervous look on his pale face.

Nobody paid much attention to what the adults were saying, though it was fairly easy to hear---Keef thought that the man's mommy must never have taught him about "inside voices," because he easily caught snatches of speech---"medical problems," "special assistance," "Super-Toast"---from the man's loud, somehow dramatic-sounding voice. Most of the other kids were paying attention to his two children instead, especially the boy, who, Keef couldn't help but noticed, looked kinda strange, with his tired, wrinkled face and the liver spots dotting his wide forehead. But it wasn't until he heard the other boy at his table whisper to the purple-haired girl about "his hand" that he turned around and noticed the weird metal claw sticking out of his sleeve…

The teacher and parent, deep in conversation, seemed oblivious to the increasingly-loud muttering and pointing at the new student, who looked around awkwardly with an expression that could have been a grimace or a forced smile. Finally, the girl suddenly looked up and glared at the class. The muttering instantly stopped; people drew back, shocked by the ferocity that hit them all like a physical force. The boy's expression seemed to turn even more smiling/grimacy as his sister turned back to him.

The grown-ups' conversation ended, and the teacher motioned for the boy to take his seat. His father gave him a brief pat on the shoulder and a goodbye before leaving with the girl. The boy, for his part, walked slowly across the room to take the only available seat. Keef watched him smile awkwardly at his tablemates; two of them snickered, while the third one simply avoided his gaze.

The boy sighed and slumped down in his seat, resting his head in his metallic claw. Keef frowned.

That boy seemed sad. Keef didn't like it when people were sad.

He would have to help fix that.

-------------------------------

__

"Hello!"

Dib looked up, startled, as Keef jumped happily into the seat across from him, putting his lunchbox on the table with an absurdly huge grin.

"Um…hi?" Dib said uncertainly, his voice coming out with a slight but very noticeable lisp.

"My name's Keef! What's your name?"

"…Dib."

"Nice to meet you, Dib!" Keef said, throwing out his hand. Dib raised an eyebrow, then extended his metal claw to shake it. "You wanna be my new bestest friend?!"

"Well…"

Dib hesitated; just then, somebody walked by and somehow managed to accidentally (Keef was sure) grab his head and slam it down on the table, right where his sandwich was, and then accidentally (Keef was sure) repeat the action three more times. Dib let out a cry as the kid and his friends walked away, snickering. Dib glared after then before turning back to Keef.

"Yeah, alright," he said sullenly, slumping in his seat.

"Yay!"

Keef leapt across the table and grabbed Dib in a tight hug; Dib let out a strangled gasp. "Please…need air…"

-------------------------------

_About a year later, when Dib had another accident, Keef hurried over to comfort his friend._

_"Hey, Dib!"_

_Dib looked up, startled, from his hospital bed, eyes narrowed to see through the swelling. "Oh…hey, Keef," he said in a hoarse voice, before laying back down wearily._

_Keef came in, carrying a huge assortment of presents and flowers that, taken together, weighed roughly the same as he did, dumping them all on Dib's bedside table before hopping into the seat by the bed. "I heard about your accident. How are you feeling?"_

_"Not too well," Dib admitted thickly. Beside him, the ventilator continued to hiss as it sucked in air, causing the rise and fall in Dib's chest that his own brainstem was no longer able to control._

_Keef, of course, was oblivious to all of this. "Well, I hope you can get out of here soon, Dib. Did you know that the circus is in town next week? Oh, I _love_ the circus!"_

_"Ugh…" Dib blinked; he had just about passed out during Keef's little speech, he was so tired, but he struggled to remain awake. "I don't think I'm going to be able to go, Keef…the doctors said I'm going to be in here for at least the rest of the month."_

_"Oh…" Keef's face fell, showing a brief moment of rare sadness. But, Keef being Keef, Dib was not surprised to see that it vanished in a second. "That's okay, though! That'll still be in time for the carnival! Oh, man, do I _love _the carnival!" he squealed, clapping his hands together, tears welling up in his eyes. "I especially love the clowns! Maybe I'll be a clown one day. That would be _so cool!_"_

_Dib let out a moan; the very thought of a roller coaster was making him sick, and he wasn't sure how he was supposed to puke with the tubes that were not sticking through the hole drilled into his chest. Lucky for him, just then, a nurse walked by, then did a double-take as she saw Keef. "Hey! Dr. Foster gave strict orders that this patient was not to be disturbed! You! How did you get in? It's the middle of the night, visiting time ended hours ago."_

_"Oh, it's okay," Keef said, flashing her a big smile. "I found an open window I could climb through."_

_"GET OUT!"_

_"Oh, okay. Bye Dib!" Keef called happily, leaping off of the chair and running past her out of the room._

_-----------------------------_

_"Hey, Dib! Where ya going?"_

_"I'm---_gasp_---going---_gasp---_the baby Bigfoot---_gasp_---I told you about," Dib panted, the respirator on his back huffing and puffing. "Wanna---_gasp_---come?"_

_"Oh---I can't!" Keef said sadly. "I have to get home before supper." Keef grabbed his friend in a big ol' hug. "But maybe next time!"_

_"Yeah," Dib said quickly, pushing him away. "Sorry, I---_gasp_---gotta go."_

_And then, the _next_ time Keef saw Dib---_

Keef shook his head, trying to wipe away the scary image of the broken little body lying in the silky box. He took a deep breath, wiped away a tear, and headed for the bathroom door.

* * *

I headed for the bathroom. Not that I thought Keef had actually stormed out because he needed to go, but knowing him, he would head there anyway out of guilt. If he went anywhere else he would have been lying, after all.

I was right; I ran up to the bathroom just as he was coming out. He blinked up at me and gave a weak smile. "Oh, hey, Lou," he said in a very un-Keef-like voice, wringing his wet hands. "H-How are you?"

"What did Zim say to you, Keef?"

He wrung his hands even harder. "What---whuddyou---"

"Don't play dumb with me, Keef. _What did Zim say to you?_"

Keef was silent for a moment. "He just---was asking some questions."

"About what?"

His look of discomfort tightened. "Just---something about---wanting to know your weaknesses, and…he might have mentioned…Dib…"

"_DIB?!_"

I jumped back; Keef winced. "What the hell did he say about Dib?!"

"Just---he wanted to know…stuff."

"What kind of stuff?!"

"I don't know!" Keef suddenly looked close to tears. "Please don't yell at me," he said in a very small voice.

I forced myself to take a deep breath. "I'm---sorry, Keef," I muttered, and meant it; I put a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay. Just---thanks for telling me this." I forced a smile. "You're a good friend for doing that."

His teary eyes suddenly opened wide. "Really?" he said, gazing up at me in that ridiculously childish Keefy way.

"Yeah."

He let out a squeal and grabbed me in an impossibly tight hug. I grimaced, trying to breathe, all the while my mind racing.

_What the hell is Zim doing asking people about Dib? First Gaz, now Keef…_how does he even know about him? Hardly anyone talks about Dib anymore; most people seem to have forgotten about him within a few weeks of his death. Zim wasn't even here for that, so what was he doing, going around asking questions about an eight-year-old who had died years before he was even on the planet?

One thing was for sure---I was going to find out.

Right after my visit with Tak.

* * *

That's right, Tak'll be back soon! Anyway, this is the last chapter I had pre-written, so now I'll have to start actually writing this again...oof. It'll be hard to cut back on the TDI stuff, but I'll manage. I hope you enjoyed this, please leave a review!


	16. New Strategy

Well, okay, it's occurred to me that **Mike, Juan** and **Lakeisha** have been pretty worthless as of yet---

_Hey!_

---so now, they get their own chapter to hopefully bring them more in line with the overall plot of the story. Hope you enjoy!

* * *

Chapter Fifteen  
New Strategy

The fleet of invisible warships hovered around the planet Irk, their advanced cloaking fields blocking any technology from detecting their presence. The vast armada was just beyond the planet's gravitational field, so close that the figure in black could see the Planetary Defense Systems circling the dark world. He smiled to himself, thinking what those fools below would think if they knew, if they could sense the massive ships and powerful war machines that flew all around them like vultures over doomed prey.

He turned; his dark cloaked billowed. "What is the status of our plans?"

The nearest Dark Knight bowed. "My lord, there is no stopping us. The planet's defenses are piddling compared to our power. The Armada is light-years away, and none have even detected our presence."

The dark figure chuckled. "Excellent." He turned back towards the window. "...Excellent."

There was a pregnant pause before he spoke again. When he did, it was in a low voice, almost a whisper, spoken with an almost loving caress.

"Soon...yes. Soon, Irk, I shall bring my forces to bear upon you, and lay waste to all those pathetic fools who besmirch your surface." His head turned; his voice grew louder. "None shall stand in our way. This time there will be no stopping our plans."

He turned fully, throwing back his head and shouting. "Too long have we allowed the Irkens dominance of the galaxy! Too long have we suffered the indignity of their claims to be the most powerful, evil forces of the universe!"

All the servants on the ship stared in rapt attention; the breath was caught in ever throat as they watched their leader glory in their imminent victory. "For now _I,_ the great and powerful _Doom_, Emperor of the Matrixsys, will again assert our race as the dominant force! Soon, my servants, we shall swarm over Irk like locusts over a---thing that locusts swarm over, and destroy all who dare oppose us! We shall claim their empire as our own, and then, we shall march throughout all the galaxies, all the dimensions, and _then,_ WE SHALL---"

Just then, Doom was interrupted by his head transforming into a duck.

__

POP!

He froze; his servants stared. Then he fell to the ground, arms and legs thrashing wildly, as the duck that was now his head began to quack, flapping its wings and wondering how it got there.

"_QUACK QUACK! QUACK QUACK!_"

"Huh...I wasn't expecting _that,_" one of the Dark Knights muttered, leaning over to the one beside him. The other Knight nodded as the Matrixsys leader continued to thrash on the floor.

* * *

"_Hmm..._" **Mike** frowned, cocking his head (...well, not exactly "head") to one side, as if distracted by a voice he could only partly hear. "_I think the Matrixsys attack of Irk just got called off._"

"_Is that a good thing or a bad thing?_" **Juan** wondered, scratching the top of his sort-of-head with one tendril.

"_A moot thing, really. Our mission is far beyond the importance of either the Irkens or Matrixsys. But what it_ does _mean is that the spatiotemporal continuum is continuing to destabilize, such that---_"

"_Agh! Big words! Stop it!_" **Juan **screamed, putting his tentacles over the side of his not-head as if to block out the noise.

**Mike **and **Lakeisha's **exasperated sighs were interrupted by the sound of the skool bell. They both turned. "_Ah,_" **Mike** muttered, rubbing his tentacles together. "_And here's our mission's secret weapon coming now._"

Zim ran out the door---early rather than late like normal---and, a moment later, Louie appeared amongst the rush of kids. Neither Gaz nor Keef was with him. He looked around, eyes narrowed, searching for the alien.

"_Yeeees...Zim's little attempt to get information has no doubt gone further to poison Louie's mind against him,_" **Mike **mused, his color shifting to a bright bluish-white of joy. "_And now watch, as he hunts after his prey. And then we, using him as our proxy, will be able to manipulate the Irken to bring about the realization of our---hey. HEY! What's he doing?!_"

Louie had growled, eyes at the ground, then hopped off the skool steps when he saw that Zim was already gone. He leapt across the skoolyard, grabbed his bike from the rack, and then turned down the sidewalk...left. Away from the direction of either Zim's house or his own. Mounting his primitive Earth-vehicle, he bent forward and flew down the sidewalk at great speed away from them.

**Mike** stared after him, stunned. **Juan **and **Lakeisha** gaped alongside him.

"_Where's our secret weapon going?_" **Mike **asked dully.

**Lakeisha** cleared his throat awkwardly. "_From the direction? I think...towards Tak's base, sir._"

There was a long moment of silence while **Mike** gaped, absorbing this fact. Then, slowly, his white coloring began to turn orange, then red, and he suddenly let out an almighty scream as he threw his tendrils into the air, sending out a blast of lightning that singed the grass around them and sent **Juan** flying into the bushes with a feminine shriek.

"_WHAT THE BLOODY BLEEDING HELL IS THIS?!_" the alien screamed, his color settling on a vague orange as he spun around to face **Lakeisha,** who was smart enough to have shrunk back a little to make himself small. "_We just saw Zim try to manipulate his best friend! We saw him retrieve clear evidence that Zim is from another planet! And now he's going to investigate _TAK?! _WHAT THE BLEEDING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT KID?!_"

**Lakeisha** cleared his throat. "_Well, **Mike...**he seems to just be taking his orders from the Swollen Eyeballs rather seriously, I suppose._"

"BUGGER THE BLEEDING EYEBALLS! _I am sick of this! We have been following that child around for three days now, and have yet to get him to do so much as _one little thing_ that could help us in our plans! We are falling behind! We have a schedule to keep, and the universe is falling apart while we try to keep it! If we don't act soon, this entire planet---_AND OURS!_---is going to collapse into a black hole or a duck or a freakin' nacho with melted cheeze, and we have no way of getting this kid to do what we want! _UGH!" He kicked the ground futilely with one tendril. _"_HOW _could this get any _WORSE?!"

Just then the three aliens heard a beeping sound. They all froze. **Mike's **angry orange turned white. "**_...Juan?_**"

He poked his not-really-a-face out from under the bush. "_...Yeah?_"

"_What's that beeping?_"

"_...The communicator._"

"_...What day is it?_"

**Lakeisha **turned pale as he checked the watch he had wrapped around one tentacle. "_Thursday. ...The day he_ said _he was going to call._"

**Mike** turned so pale he was almost transparent. "_...Oh bloody hell._"

The beeping continued as they spoke. The three highly advanced, super-powerful aliens looked at each other. And then they all began to freak out.

"_Agh! What are we going to do? What are we going to do?!_"

"_Where is it?! I can hear it beeping but I can't find it!_"

"_Oh we are in such trouble, **the Chief** is going to snuff us out for sure!_"

"_I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!_"

"_Okay, QUIET!_" **Mike **shouted, randomly slapping **Juan** as he flew past. Both he and **Lakeisha** stopped. **Mike** took a deep breath (despite the absence of lungs). "_Alright. Everybody calm down. **Juan."** _He pointed to him. "_The communicator._"

**Juan** gulped and pulled the beeping device out of his pocket. (How he had a pocket when he didn't have pants is a difficult question.)

"_Put it on the ground._"

**Juan** complied, setting it very carefully onto the grass.

"_Alright..._" **Mike **flew over to the communicator and pressed a button. "_Now, we will just calmly give our report to **the Chief,** and everything will be---"_

**"_MIKE! JUAN! LAKEISHA!_"**

"_Agh!_"

The three aliens jumped as the communicator activated, and a holographic image of a fourth alien appeared before them. He looked, to a human eye, basically the same as the other three, expect for the odd fact that he was wearing a fedora (despite the absence of a head) and smoking a cigar (despite the absence of a mouth). He chewed the end of said cigar, passing it from one side of his non-mouth to the other as he glared at his three charges across light-years of space.

The aliens floated closer to the hologram, **Mike** rubbing his tentacles together nervously. "_Um---hello, **Chief.** So good of you to call. How are things on---"_

"_Terrible!_" **the Chief** snapped, taking the cigar in one tentacle and shaking the ashes off. "_As you three should damn well know. You don't seem to have made much progress in the whole fixing-the-universe-falling-apart thing yet. What's going on there?"_

"_Um...well, sir, I assure you we are doing everything in our power to ensure that the Irken---_"

"_I don't want to hear any of your blather,_" **the Chief **interrupted. "_I have the higher-ups riding my ass and I want solid information. What are you three doing over there? What progress have you made?_"

"_Well..._" **Mike **made a sound like he was clearing his throat. "_T-that is to say, sir...um..."_

"_We have managed to successfully identify the Irken's primary antagonist on this planet, the human who has filled the void left by the death of the one called Dib,"_ **Lakeisha **explained, taking over for **Mike's** stammering response. "_We have been attempting to lead him to act against the Invader in ways that will suit our interests and bring about the best possible completion of our mission, sir._"

"_Ah, using one of the natives as a pawn, eh?_" **The Chief** blew a ring of smoke. "_Not a bad plan, I'll admit. Subtle. Better not to get our tendril-prints anywhere we can avoid it, mess up the timestream more. And what've you done so far to promote that end?_"

"_Well...ahem, uh..._"

"_Ooh!_" **Juan** raised a tendril in the air. **"_Mike_**_ possessed a guy!_"

"_Ah, good. And how did that turn out?_"

"_Um...well, not really well. Nothing really came out of it, to be honest---_"

SLAP!

"_OW! **Mike** hit me!_"

"_Did not._"

"_Did so! **Chief,** did you see---_"

"_ENOUGH!_" **the Chief **screamed, and suddenly his tentacle shot out and slapped all three of them across the face; they all fell back, stunned. "_You three are acting like immature Irkens smeets! This ain't a game, kiddos! This is a serious mission, and if you three aren't up to it---_"

"_We are, sir!_" **Mike** said quickly, shooting a dark look at **Juan** and a completely-innocent **Lakeisha.** "_Do not worry. We, uh---have a new strategy for dealing with this problem. The mission will be finished shortly._"

"_It better!_" **the Chief** snapped. "_Now, when I call back next, I want to hear about some _progress!"

With that and one final glare and a puff of smoke, the hologram flickered and vanished.

There was silence for a moment. Then **Juan** asked, "How did he slap us when he was just a hologram...?"

**Mike** sighed and slapped his tentacle to his non-forehead. **Lakeisha's** whole figure drooped. "_Well, that went well._"

"_I'll say!_" **Juan** agreed. "_I had no idea we had a new strategy! What is it?_"

The other two glared at him. Then **Lakeisha** sighed and slapped him, albeit far lighter than **Mike** would have.

"_Ow!_"

"_Well, this is just _great!" **Mike** roared, throwing up his tendrils. "NOW _what are we supposed to do?! Every attempt we make to lure that stupid human into helping us has proved worthless! He keeps chasing Tak when Zim---surprisingly---is actually the greater threat! No _WONDER _it was Dib who was supposed to be doing this---_THIS_ one won't stop---being---_LIKE THIS!"

"_Logical,_" **Lakeisha **supplied. "_Or at least, not overly-emotional. With Dib, Zim was always a personal fight, even before there was anything truly personal about their relationship---Zim by his very existence, as an alien life-form on Earth, was precious and valuable to Dib as a justification for all of his childhood dreams and unpopular beliefs. Louie, however...his entire personality is different. He is not easily drawn into vendettas, as we have seen---though his fury at Zim is mounting. Nor is he naturally rebellious, though he can be---we know that from his past. Our efforts might prove effectual in the long-term, but in the meantime, he is likely to continue chasing after Tak as long as his superiors deem it wise. And unfortunately, if he discovers anything about her plans, he is likely to shift_ more _of his resources towards her---she is, at least apparently, the more deadly threat."_

"_Oh,_ thank you, _Dr. Freud, for that brilliant analysis,_" **Mike** said sarcastically. "_Now, could you please translate that into something that could _actually help us?"

"_Hey, **Mike, **__there's no need to get snippy._"

"_Oh, I disagree. I think there is great need for me to, uh---snip! Our entire mission is in jeopardy! We need Louie to be our proxy, but he is proving to be very bad at the whole---proxying thing!_"

"_Well, maybe we should just talk to him,_" **Juan **suggested. "_I mean, wouldn't it just be easier, if, like, we..._told _him about what Zim's done, and the threat to the universe and everything?_"

"_For the last time, **Juan,** _NO!_ We must remain secret! That's what **the Chief** said, that's what the rules say, that's what happens! We could risk all the secrecy of **the Guardians** and damage space-time even worse if we become directly involved!_"

"_But I---_"

"NO BUTS!_ I'm the leader and what I say goes, damn it!_"

"_Yeah, and you're such a great one, too,_" **Lakeisha** grumbled.

**Mike** spun around. "_And what__**, Lakeisha,** do you mean__by _that?"

"_Oh, well, let's just go over some of your great, leaderly accomplishments, _shall we? _There was the Planet Jacker-Vosgarian War---_"

"_Hey, that---_"

"_The black hole accident in the Crab Nebula---_"

"_Well, then---_"

"The Noodle Incident!"

"_That was the blond kid with the tiger's fault, and you know it!_"

"_What I don't get,_" **Juan** said, interrupting just as **Lakeisha** was going to give an angry retort, "_is doesn't Tak kind of hate Zim too?_"

"_Yes. _DUH," **Mike** said, crossing his tentacles. "AND?"

"_Well...then, couldn't that help us, somehow? I mean, we're only using Louie because he's, you know, the new Dib and everything, Zim's enemy in this timeline---but, like, couldn't _Tak_ also do that?_"

**Mike **sighed. "WELL, _**Juan,** obviously we can't do _THAT,_ because..._"

There was a long pause; suddenly **Mike's** shine began to brighten slightly, and he spun around, gaping at **Juan** before turning away again. "**_Juan,_**" he said finally.

"_Y-Yeah?_"

"_This is the first time I ever have, and probably ever_ will _say this, but...you are a genius._" He turned to **Lakeisha.** "_You two---follow me!_"

"_Where are we going?_" **Lakeisha** asked, bewildered, as **Mike **shot off like a rocket across the skoolyard.

"_To help Louie with his meeting._"

* * *

_Beep-beep-beep!_

"_Access Granted. Welcome, MiMi._"

The thick metal cable sticking incongruously out of the "cat's" head retracted as the door's locks clicked, and reaching for the knob with one "paw" she slipped into the dark room, dimly lit by the numerous computer monitors built into the wall.

Tak did not turn as she heard MiMi enter, nor when she heard the slight staticy sound of her hologram turning off. The soi-disant Invader---her own disguise deactivated, sitting in her control chair amid piles of glowing alien equipment---was silent as her servant approached, staring at the screens in front of her. She sensed MiMi's salute, but made no sign, keeping the bulk of her attention on the computers.

Several showed shots of the base itself, its many rooms and spacious grounds, carefully monitored for any possibly enemy entry. Several others showed a glowing green house, where now a similarly green "child" was rushing to the door, throwing it open only to be attacked by a green "dog" carrying a plate of tacos in its nubby paws. And five monitors showed another house, far more normal, currently uninhabited except for a scary purple-haired girl playing a video game on the couch. There had only been one monitor showing that house yesterday, but since then Tak had found reason to give it more notice.

"Well, MiMi. He should be here soon."

MiMi was silent, as usual. Tak didn't mind; she leaned back in her chair, fingers tented, speaking almost to herself. "Indeed. Today is the day that could make or break our entire mission, MiMi. I must admit I underestimated him. I didn't expect him to find me, not before I at least made my existence known to Zim. He is a craftly little human. And if he gains proof---if he discovers what we are..."

Silence fell for a moment as Tak considered. "Well. We'll just have to make sure that doesn't happen, won't we? And---well, what do you know..."

Her eyes snapped over to one of the screens, displaying the front gate of the base; there was the human on his bicycle, talking into the speaker and asking to be let in. A moment later, the iron gateway swung open and he rode into the grounds.

Tak stood. "Showtime," she whispered; her form fizzled for a moment, and she became a girl once more. She turned and swept out of the room, her SIR unit a cat again as it followed on her heels.

* * *

_Beep-beep-beep_.

"_Security system activated,_" the computer said as Tak pressed the ENTER key on the pad. The locks clicked loudly; Tak nodded and turned, sweeping down the hall with MiMi behind her.

She turned the corner. The hallway was silent for a moment.

And then three glowing figures slipped out from under the rug.

"_Ow! I think she stepped on me._"

"_Ugh..._"

**Mike** shook his not-head, then slashed his tentacle through the air, right at the security pad by the door. Somehow, it passed right through it as though it were air---but as soon as it did, the pad began to blink and sputter, shooting out sparks and speaking again in a jarbled, computerized voice.

"_System---error. De---activating. Circuits---poop._"

The bolts sounded once again, and the metal door slid part-way open. **Mike** chuckled.

"_Follow me, boys,_" he said, and slipped quietly through the opening and into the room, **Juan** and **Lakeisha** flying in behind him.

* * *

Huh...writing a chapter about those three without describing their physical appearance is not easy, and probably came out prettily cruddily. Ah well. Next chapter (unless I revise my plans...again) will be Tak and Louie's meeting. (Yeah, I know---not a lot of Zim lately, and he won't really be appearing again for a few more chapters. There's just lots for other characters to do right now and not much for him.) Anyway, hope you enjoyed this, and as always, please leave a review!


	17. Chateau Deelishus

_First of all, JoeMerl would like to extend his apologies to Invaderzimfannumber1, for forgetting to mention in the last chapter that Doom and the Matrixsys were borrowed from her stories and not from his own imagination. Because, you know, it wasn't enough to cram this story full of his _own _ridiculous OCs, he had to draw them in from _other_ people as well. He would also like to say that he was pleasantly surprised that several people understood the last chapter's _Calvin and Hobbes_ reference, though I frankly don't see why; after all, if you like _Invader Zim,_ why not another pathetic cultural milestone that even its own creator no longer enjoys?_

_Well, if any of you have actually continued to_ care _about this story through its long periods of inaction...well then, frankly I think you're idiots, but more to the point, JoeMerl's semester is now over and he promises to get to work writing, and update it with actual regularity. Goody. He'll finally have something other than 'not looking for a job, the lazy bum' to waste his time with._

* * *

Chapter Sixteen  
Chateau Deelishus

AUGUST 27, PRESENT, 4:00:00  
LOUIE'S POV

_Chateau Deelishus, _it was called. A sprawling mansion on the outskirts of the city, sitting on five acres of green grass, surrounded by a white stone wall with a wrought-iron gate.

Not the average place you'd expect an evil alien to be hanging out. If Tak really _was _an alien, she did a heck of a better job than Zim at the whole "disguising" thing. She had everything she would need to make herself look like a normal, if insanely rich, girl. Normal-looking, if luxurious house. Normal looking, if luxurious hovercraft in the driveway. And she had people all over the place, gardeners and security people, in stark contrast to the way Zim kept anyone _away _from his home.

And of course, she had a butler.

Now, butlers are always British. At least, it always seems that way in the movies; British and well-dressed in tuxedos and utterly stiff and arrogant despite being servants to more successful people who are more often than not a lot less respectable than they are. Tak's butler was an exception, however. He was French.

"So, what's the name, Jeeves?" I asked, following behind him down a long hallway filled with fancy vases and paintings.

He turned to me darkly. "My _name, _young monsieur, is 'Aw-nor-ay Pay-tay Twa."

"Huh. Too hard to say. Don't mind if I just call ya 'Jeeves,' do ya?"

Honoré Péter III glared down at me, then turned up his nose and looked away. I grinned slightly. Call it schadenfreude, but I have it admit it felt good to tick somebody else off given how ticked off I was at the moment.

At the end of the hall "Jeeves" opened a door. "'Ere you are, monsieur. Please wait for the Mademoiselle Deeleeshus _'ere._"

I grinned, giving him a salute. "Sure thing. Thanks, Jeeves."

"Ugh..."

He closed the door behind me. I looked around. Like just about every other room in the mansion, it looked like it had been hijacked right out of Buckingham Palace: large, with a fancy rug on the floor, fancy antique furniture, and fancy opaque windows that let in enough sun to mix with the light from the fancy chandelier. The only modern thing in the room was the TV (on an elaborately fancy cabinet), a huge plasma-screen that somehow managed to look high-tech and opulent at the same time.

Again, if Tak was from Mars, she was doing a very good job blending in. I mean, seriously, what kind of evil space monster would put _this_ much time into interior decorating?

Well, a girl one, I guess. Or maybe a gay male, assuming space monsters had gay...

"Do you like it?"

I jumped slightly, but managed to mask it as I spun around; Tak was standing there, leaning up against the back of the couch, arms and legs crossed, dark blue eyebrow quirked in amusement. I couldn't help but notice what a weird contrast she made to the room, its ridiculous opulence set against her dark Gothic/grunge appearance.

I also couldn't help but notice that she was kind of good-looking, but I shelved that thought for now.

My eyes narrowed, imitating hers; I forced my lips into a smile. "Ah. Miss Deelishus. Happy to see you again."

"I'm sure."

Tak uncrossed her arms and legs and began to walk languidly across the room. Her cat, which I now saw had been standing beside her, out of my sight, sauntered behind her; the two looked oddly identical in their lazy yet somehow perfectly calculated movements. It was strangely intimidating---which, just like her sudden appearance, I'm sure it was meant to be. Every step let me know that if somehow this meeting led to a fight, she was perfectly prepared while I...well, my one little wrestling match with Zim notwithstanding, I wasn't much of a fighter.

The point: I was on _her _turf. She was in control here, not me.

I smiled grimly. We'll see about _that._

My hand shot quickly into the inside pocket of my coat. I felt a slight thrill of amusement as the girl and cat both stiffened defensively, but all that came out was a reporter's notebook, which I flicked open with practiced ease, sliding the pencil in its binding into my other hand.

"I have a few questions to ask you, if you don't mind, Miss Deelishus."

"Fire away," she said, casually waving her hand. "But I really don't see how you expect me to help you. I don't know anything about this..._stuff _you're interested in."

"Really? You strike me as the kind of person who doesn't have anything they don't know _anything_ about."

She smirked. "Trying to flatter me?"

I shrugged, insouciant. "If that's how you want to interpret that, sure. Anyway, first question. We've detected some unusual energy signatures coming from your property lately, and we're not quite sure what to make of them. I have a copy of some data readings, if you would kindly take a look..." I took a computer pad out of my pocket, passing it to her. "Any of this mean anything to you?"

Tak took the device in her hand and gave the screen a cursory look. "No," she said simply, before tossing it casually back to me. "But then again," she suddenly laughed, a girlish giggle that sounded completely fake on her, "what do I know? I'm barely passing Science, I mean, I'm hardly an expert on dark-matter energy readings now am I?"

"Oh, you recognize that these are from dark matter?" I asked, holding up the pad. "Huh. That's pretty impressive for a twelve-year-old, especially one flunking Science."

Tak's froze, eyes widening slightly at her mistake. I smirked. Her expression turned hard for a moment, then slipped back into a more cunning look. I felt a slight edge of fear but didn't dare show it; I had to make it clear to her that _I_ was in control of the situation, even though, of course, the fact was I was in her territory and deadly vulnerable if she was, indeed, dangerous.

This was a game of wits, after all; half of being a secret agent was remaining in the shadows, but the other half was being so cool _out_ of the shadows that your opponents don't know what to do. Bond didn't dress like that for nothing.

Tak considered me for a moment, then threw back her hair and, in a casual tone that implied she was ignoring my last comment, said, "You know what those are? Probably just my father and his research team. We have a lab in the eastern wing, they're always working on odd experiments."

"They use dark-matter energy for hot dogs?" I said, eyebrow jumping up.

Tak smiled lazily. "My father takes his business _very_ seriously."

"Hmm." I wrote down a small note: _BS._ "Is he home, by the way? I'd like to ask him about that."

"I'm afraid not. He's at the office, as usual," Tak sighed, leaning over the back of her couch. "I'm sure you can relate."

"Huh?!"

I jumped a little. Tak looked surprised, but soehow mockingly so. "What? _My_ father's never home and he's a hot dog vendor. _Your_ father has a special section in the newspaper dedicated to whatever disease he's cured this week. I can't imagine he has a lot of spare time for..._family._"

She said that last word delicately, pronouncing each syllable, smirking at me. I grit my teeth, my thoughts churning inside. She was trying to goad me, obviously, and I'd been dumb enough to show a reaction. I smiled faintly. "Hmm. True," I said simply. "I don't assume you could tell me anything else about what your father might have been doing?"

"Not really, no."

"Hmm. Were you here?"

"Pardon?"

"Were you here? The date in question is..." I flipped through my notebook for a moment. "Just two weeks ago. Were you here, then? I understand you just moved in, didn't you? I couldn't find any records of you attending skool..."

"I'm homeschooled, at the moment," Tak snapped, eyes narrowing. Then, more pleasantly, "But you're right, actually. I was living with my mother until recently."

"Hmm. Where, if I may ask?"

"London."

"Ah. Pity you left, it's lovely there this time of year, isn't it?"

"You've been?"

"Of course." That was a total lie, but again, it sounded cool and coolness was a tactical advantage. "So there's nothing else you can tell me?"

"Like I said, it's my _Daddy's_ research. I really don't know anything about it."

"Because you really seem like the kind of girl who wouldn't make it her business to know about things."

She blinked. "What is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"Again, you can interpret that however you like. Next question. We've detected some information about a potential---"

"Pardon?"

"Hmm?"

"You keep saying 'we.' Which leads to a question of _mine _that you never really answered." Tak crossed her arms, a grim smile on her face. "Where exactly are you from, again?"

I hesitated, but only slightly. "I told you yesterday. My father at Membrane Labs---"

"Ah, yes, I looked into that." She raised an eyebrow, a sly little smirk on her face. "We seem to have a lot in common, rich, famous fathers. Does Membrane Labs usually employ twelve-year-olds for errands such as this?"

She was taking the kiddie gloves off now. I wasn't buying her lies, and she knew it; the game was going to get harder now, but if I played it right, all the more rewarding. In the meantime, I just had to keep up _my _facade.

"What can I say? Interested in the family business."

"Is there anything else you're interested in?"

I shrugged. "I have hobbies like anyone else. But I really don't see---"

"What kind of hobbies? Spend you free time curing diseases like your father?"

I smirked, chuckling. "Well, I do like science a bit. But Dad and I aren't always interested in _exactly_ the same thing."

"Different fields of study?"

"My dad studies everything. But yeah, you could say that."

"And what are _you _here to study, Ajunt Mofman?"

"I---wait, _what?!_"

I reeled back once her words hit me, nearly dropping my notebook; I bumped into the leg of her coffee table and nearly fell, as her cat---sneaking up behind me, apparently---darted out, curling around my ankles before rushing off to be with her mistress. I kept my own gaze directed at Tak's face; her little evil smirk had now become a full-on supervillain grin with violet eyes narrowed maliciously.

I felt the blood drain from my face. Oh crap. She'd just pulled a me on me. I swallowed, mind racing, as she watched me like a spider watching a fly in its trap.

"...May I please use your bathroom, please?"

"_Of course,_" she drawled, flicking her finger towards the stairs. "Upstairs. First door on the right."

"...Right, thanks."

I felt Tak grin after me as I turned and ran up the stairs.

------------------

"Okay," I muttered, climbing up the steps. "Tak called you by your code name. Tak somehow knows you're an Agent. Which actually isn't that surprising, you knew she was going to be a smart one. But that means she managed to hack into their computers or something. But then, you did better than that, you were even able to hack into the top-secret files. Still, civilians aren't even supposed to know that the Network _exists,_ which means that A.) she's definitely smart, B.) she's definitely onto you, C.) chances are that she _is_ involved in the paranormal in some way, and D.) you're apparently going insane because you're talking to yourself, and in the second person to boot."

I reached a long hallway at the top of the stairs, doors on either side. "Okay, Tak said the bathroom was the first door on the right," I muttered. "Which means that's the one door I _don't_ want to investigate, 'cause it's either a bathroom or a booby trap. So why don't we try...door number two?"

I opened the first door on the left. A mop fell out onto my head.

"...Okay, that was a bust," I muttered, shoving it back inside as I closed the door. "What about..._hmm..._"

I wandered down to the end of the hall, quirking an eyebrow at the last door on the left---there was a metal panel for a security system built into the wall. "Heh. Just like my house," I said dryly. "'Cept more advanced, which...wow right there. Well, whatever's in _here _could definitely be interesting..." I put one hand on the door, leaning down over the panel. "But what kind of code would Tak---_agh!_"

To my surprise, the door fell open under the pressure of my hand---it hadn't been locked, hadn't even been _closed_ right. I stumbled, righted myself, and stared into a dark, empty room before me.

"...Huh. That was lucky. I would have thought Tak'd be a bit more strict about security..."

I paused, quickly looked down the hall, then ducked inside the room, closing the door most of the way behind me.

Inside it was almost pitch black, illuminated only by some computer panels built into the far wall. The scarce light combined with my own senses told me that the room was crowded, filled with boxes and big pieces of machinery had I could not identify; again I was reminded of my own house, in this case, my dad's barely-used lab in the basement where I stole half my equipment from. Speaking of which...I reached slowly for the inside pocket of my coat and wrapped my hand around a small, explosive device within; my ears strained for any other noise, but all I heard were the beeping and staticy sounds of the computers.

"Reminds me of Project Cullen," I muttered, peering into the gloom. I chuckled when I realized I half-expected sparkly monsters to jump out at me, but everything seemed safe.

I approached the computer; most of the screens showed endless rows of numbers, letters or symbols I couldn't identify. "What is all this?"

Suddenly two screens that had been blank suddenly activated out of the corner of my eye. I instinctively turned, then took in a small gasp.

The first screen I noticed showed a house---my own. That was a mild shock, but really it wasn't much of a surprise: of course Tak was going to look into my house, I hadn't even bothered with the subtlety of using a fake name. I felt slightly worried, but generally alright: I wouldn't have given my name out at all if I wasn't confident about our security, and I knew our system was the most impenetrable in the world; only Keef, with his almost preternatural power of clinginess, could have broken in (or out, for that matter, I thought wryly). So, my house wasn't too big of a surprise. It was the second screen that shocked me.

Zim's house.

I stared. Was it---but yes, that was definitely it, I recognized the street, the cul-de-sac, and of course the radioactive glow and the huge metal cables sticking out were kind of a hint. In fact as I watched I saw the door open and Zim's weird green dog come out, run to the mailbox, force a screeching cat into it, and then walk away even as the mailbox shook from within.

"Oh my gosh..." I whispered, reaching out to touch the screen. "There _is_ some connection."

I stood there, gaping at the screens for a moment. Then jumped when I suddenly heard a voice from behind me.

"Monsieur Membrane?!"

"_Agh!_"

I spun around; Honoré Péter III was glaring at me from the doorway. I blanched, trying to look innocent.

"Um_---ahem_---hello."

His frown deepened. "Zis iz Mademoiselle Deeleeshus' private computair room. What exactly do you theenk you are do'eeng?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry---" I forced a laugh, walking away from the computers with great force of will. "This place is just so big, I got all turned around---"

He glared suspiciously. "Zis door iz _supposed _to be locked."

"Really? It wasn't," I said. "Honest."

He narrowed his eyes at me. I looked back at him, trying to look sincere. Which technically shouldn't have been very hard, since I was telling the truth (about the lock at least). Finally he shook his head. "Whatevair. Please do not keep Mademoiselle Deeleeshus waiteeng."

"Wouldn't dream of it. Excuse me..."

I slid past him out the door and went back downstairs, my mind racing. Tak was still in the TV room, now on a chair with her cat curled up on her lap. She was petting the animal offhandedly, even while it kept its head up, glowing red eyes following me as I came into the room.

I made a mental note: if something was weird about Tak, something was definitely weird about that cat of hers too.

"Find the bathroom alright?"

"Huh. Oh." I shrugged; it was a purposefully vague answer, which she could take as a "yes" for now but which would still work if she happened to talk to her butler about my little break-in. "No real problem."

"Good," Tak said, smirking. She was still the cat with me as her mouse; she thought she still had the upper hand, that my "bathroom trip" was nothing more than a delaying tactic to make up for her dropping my code name. Which had been partially true; but now, I thought, I had something on her too.

Though _exactly_ what, I wasn't sure.

"So," Tak said, lazily shooing her cat off of her lap so she could stand; it jumped down without ever taking its creepy eyes off of me. "Do you have any other questions for me?"

"Questions?" I paused; I hadn't asked half of what I wanted to, but now my mind was reeling---between her shocking revelations about me, and _my _discovery, I needed to have a chance to dump out all this new information and make sense of it all.

"No," I said, specifically injecting an added note of nervousness into my voice. Better to let her think she was still winning; looking cool could take a back seat to secrecy for now. "No, I...don't have anything for you right now. But I might keep in touch, if that's alright."

"Fine," Tak said, waving her hand and smiling in a somehow viciously courteous way. "Feel free to drop me a line. But personally I would start looking into other possibilites for your investigation. I'm sure if you just look in the right place you can have the _cover blown_ on your whole mystery in no time."

Was that a threat? To uncover my identity as an Agent? Or blow the Network's cover? It was vague but definitely a threat. I took a deep breath. "I'll keep that in mind, Miss Deelishus."

"Good." She turned. "Honoré!"

He appeared. "Yes, Mademoiselle?"

"Please escort Louie here to the door."

"But of course."

He put his hand on my back and began to guide me out of the room; I stopped on the threshold (earning an annoyed look) and turned. "Wait, actually, I do have _one_ more question, if you please?"

"Yes?"

I took a deep breath; this was a stupid risk, but I couldn't help myself. "I actually have another lead in this investigation, a kid named..._Zim._ You wouldn't happen to know anything about him, would you?"

Tak raised an eyebrow. "Someone named Zim? Hmm...no, I can't say that name rings a bell."

"Hmm." _Lying bitch. _"Alright, thank you, Miss Deelishus."

"Anytime."

She smiled pleasantly at me as her butler led me out of the room.

* * *

Whoo, that was a hard chapter to write; I had to make Louie and Tak both appear great at their respective roles while pitting them against each other, and I hope it came out alright. Anyway, the next chapter should have some flashbacks and things, and once we're done with that I think we'll _finally_ get back to Zim, which is good because I could use some silliness after so much serious Louie-ness. ;-) Since I'm finally free from classes (April was nothing but one huge assignment after another, I swear!), I hope to be able to update soon. Until then, please review!


	18. Replacement

**Author's Notes: **Okay, remember how I said there would be one more chapter of Louie-ness and then we'd get back to Zim? Well...that plan has been revised. Yeah, sorry---I actually really want to get back to him too (Louie is just too serious to have this much in one sitting!), but I realized that the chapter I had planned would really do better broken up into two so I could really expand on things. If nothing else, these chapters will do a lot to expand on Louie's character and back-story, which (hopefully) you've all been anxiously waiting for. It also means I already have the next chapter almost finished, so it shouldn't be too long before I can put it up.

So, let's see, um...is there anything else to say?

_Well, _I _haven't had a line in this Author's Note._

Yeah...see, I'm starting to think that letting an OC narrate my message to readers was kind of a dumb idea.

_Hey---!_

Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Chapter Seventeen  
Replacement

AUGUST 27, THREE YEARS AGO, 18:15:00

_Louie sat in the back of the police car, arms crossed over his chest, his long, greasy hair falling over his scowling face. "I hope you realize you're just wasting your time!" he snapped, looking up briefly at the two cops in the front seat. "You can't throw me in jail, I wasn't doing anything."_

_"We ain't gonna throw you in jail, and you know it," the first cop called back, driving with one hand and taking a bite out of a doughnut with the other. "But you know as well as we do it ain't legal for an eight-year-old kid to be living on the street by himself." He dunked his half-eaten pastry into his coffee cup. "So what happened this time, kid?"_

_"My foster parents sucked."_

_"You always say that."_

_"It's always true."_

_"Yeah, yeah..."_

_Louie was silent for a minute, fuming. "You know this won't do any good, right?" he said again. "You can't do anything to me. I'll just run away from the next bunch of idiots you put me with too."_

_"Well then maybe we'll find a place you _can't_ escape from," the second officer said._

_Louie scoffed, blowing a strand of hair away from his mouth. "Yeah. _That'll_ happen."_

* * *

(PRESENT)

_So Tak is an alien,_ I thought, footsteps echoing on the polished tiles. _Or at least, she has something to do with Zim---she's watching his house in that computer room 24/7, it looks like, which means she has to be up to something. Maybe they're working together? That would make sense---though if so, I don't know how all his plans can stink so badly, I'd've thought that Tak would be smarter than trying to use laser weasels of all things..._

"I 'ope zat your talk wit' Madamaisselle Deeleeshus went well."

"Huh?" I looked up, startled from my thoughts. "Oh...yeah. She gave me lots to think about."

"Very good."

We reached the front door; he opened it. "Please come again," Honoré Péter III said, in a tone that implied he would rather a comet made of pure dooky would smash repeatedly into his head.

"Oh, I'll be back," I promised. I started to leave, then hesitated. "Hey, Jeeves? Mind if I ask you something?"

He sighed heavily. "But of _course,_ monsieur."

"Tak just moved here, right? Is there...anything you can tell me about her? Like---where'd she move here from, things like that?"

The butler blinked, staring at me for a moment. "Madamoisselle Deeleeshus moved 'ere from Lundahn a few weeks ago. She was stay'eeng _avec _her muzzair."

"...Really?" It was the same story that Tak had told, but something about it suddenly felt...off. "Did you know her before that? Had you ever met her before?"

"I 'ave known Madamoisselle Deeleeshus 'er 'ole life. She 'as always been a very bright and well-be'aved child."

He stared at me oddly as he said this; I stared back, turning my head to the side. Okay, now I _knew_ I wasn't just imagining it; he wasn't talking right, his heavily-accented voice had gone deadpan, his eyes had drooped half-closed and glassy, staring at me as though he were blind. And, for the first time during my visit, I couldn't detect an iota of disdain in his voice.

He stared at me for a moment more, and I stared back. Suddenly he blinked and looked down at me again as though I were some sort of nasty slug that had slithered in. "Iz that all?" he asked, voice dripping with sarcasm again.

"Um...sure," I muttered. "Thanks."

I walked out the door, glancing back as Honoré slammed it behind me.

* * *

Tak watched, with MiMi in her arms, as out the window the boy crammed the helmet on top of his huge spiked hairstyle and got on his bike, riding out through the wrought-iron gate. She turned, purple eyes meeting red.

"Follow him," Tak instructed. "Track his movements, especially if he comes close to the base or the Pump. Also monitor any contact he has with Zim that you can. Report back to me if he does anything noteworthy."

MiMi didn't answer, but as Tak lowered her to the floor the 'cat' fell from her arms and zoomed out of the room in a flash. A moment later Tak saw her appear out through the window, running off after the boy as she shimmered into invisibility.

This was a risky situation, Tak thought. She had no doubt that Louie knew she was up to something---she could only hope that she had managed to out-maneuver him, that her threat against his secret identity would be enough to keep him off her tail and get him back onto Zim's until she could find a better solution. She hoped he was serious about wanting to investigate him---that was what she wanted, someone to distract that tiny idiot away from discovering her and keep him busy until she was ready to make her move. She could only hope this would play out alright, somehow.

"In the meantime," she said to herself, "it wouldn't hurt to get the plan moving along a bit." She turned her head, considering. "Better call 'Daddy.'"

And she turned, walking out of the room.

A moment passed. Then, suddenly, a 'head' poked out from under the couch, followed by two others. They looked around. "_Is she gone?_" **Mike** asked.

"_Yes,_" **Lakeisha** replied. "_As are Louie and the SIR unit._"

"_Excellent," _**Mike** chuckled, floating out into the room with the others behind. "_Well, boys, congratulations are in order. With any luck, those computers we showed Louie will help to put him back on Zim's trail, and maybe even get Tak mixed up in the battle as well._"

"_So my idea worked, then?!_"

"_That remains to be seen, **Juan.** In the meantime, we need to consider our next move._"

The three aliens glowed for a moment, then slid easily down through the floor and vanished from sight.

* * *

AUGUST 31, THREE YEARS AGO

_The door opened._

_"Oh daughter! I'm back from the orphanage with your---wait for it_---NEW BROTHER!_"_

_Membrane motioned dramatically to Louie, who ground his teeth in annoyance. He already hated this guy. Of course he had hated them even since the volunteers at the orphanage had said "new foster parent for you, Louie," but that hatred had quickly amplified when he actually _met_ the man in question and was growing with each passing second. When it came time for Membrane to take Louie home with him Louie had announced, in no uncertain terms, that no matter how rich, famous or supposedly-brilliant this guy was, he was _not,_ under any circumstances, going with this idiot, and there was _nothing_ that _any_ of them could do to change his mind._

_Which is why Louie was now tightly bound in a straitjacket with his legs tied up beneath him. __Even through his annoyance, Louie had to stop and wonder at Mr. Elliot's brilliance there. And how quickly he could move when he wanted to; and here he thought all those stories he told about being a rodeo clown had been mostly bilge. _

_So now Louie was standing in the entrance room to his "new house," wheeled in on a dolly, waiting for this "new sister" that Membrane had been blathering on about the whole ride home. _

_After waiting for about thirty seconds, though, the girl hadn't appeared._

_"Hey genius," Louie snarled, eyes rolling up to glare at his "father" through his long, greasy bangs. "Nobody's coming."_

_Membrane frowned, or seemed to; his high collar blocked his mouth, but what little of his face was visible seemed to fall. He cupped his hand over where his mouth should be. "Daughter! I have your new brother---"_

_"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming."_

_The girl walked into the room, eyes narrowed, glaring. Louie glared back. His first thought was that this girl looked very little like Professor Membrane---though they were both pale she was paler, short, squinting, and had dark purple hair that curled around her face like some sort of monstrous maw. And, whereas the Professor was nothing but infuriatingly affable, this girl looked like...well, she looked like how Louie felt at the moment, actually._

_Gaz glared, her narrowed eye snapping open. "What's _this?_" she sneered, as if "this" were something she had just scraped off of the bottom of her shoe. Louie's eyes narrowed, trying to look as intimidating as possible with his arms currently pinned to his chest._

_"Why, this is your new brother! Remember I told you about him? His name is Louis."_

_"Louie."_

_"Are you sure? I think 'Louis' sounds better."_

_"Than call yourself Louis. _I_ prefer Louie."_

_"Hmm..." Membrane scratched his head. "Well, anyway. Louis, this is your new sister, Gazlene."_

_"_Gaz._"_

_"Yes, yes. Well," he set down Louie's dolly, putting him into a standing position; he nearly fell at the sudden movement, twisting in his straitjacket to steady himself. "I'll leave you two to get to know each other. You kids play nice now."_

_And with that he calmly walked out of the room and down into his basement lab._

_The two "siblings" were left alone. Gaz continued to glare at Louie. His eyes followed Membrane out of the room, then turned back to his new "sister." He quirked an eyebrow, though it was practically invisible under all his hair. _

_"So...I don't suppose there's any chance of you loosening this straitjacket, huh?"_

_Her response was to smack him on the side of the face._

_Louie let out a small gasp, eyes closed, once again twisting to keep from falling over from the (surprisingly strong) blow. He remained frozen for a moment, then slowly opened his eyes and glared at her. "Um..._OW!_" he screamed, snarling at her indignantly. "What the hell was that for, _bitch?!_"_

_Gaz leaned forward; Louie felt an instinctual urge to lean back but quashed it, letting Gaz put her nose within an inch of his face. "Listen up, kid," Gaz hissed, her eye twitching horribly. "I don't like you, and I don't care _what_ my dad says, I am _NOT_ going to be counting you as some kind of _'brother.'_" She made air quotations around that last word, saying it in a 'stupid' voice to emphasize her point. "The last thing I need is some reject from somebody _else's_ family coming in_ here _and ruining_ mine."

_Ouch. That hurt. _

_"Ouch. That hurt," Louie said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "Hey, believe me, I don't want to be here either. Let me out of this straitjacket, I'll go right back out that door and be out of your hair before the old man even gets back. How about it?"_

_In later years Louie would wonder why she didn't just do that; he never really figured it out, because at the time it was really what both of them wanted. In any event she just leaned even closer, her eyes burning with so much hatred Louie began to worry they might sear a hole through his skull. "Just stay out of my way," Gaz growled. "I don't need some sort of _replacement_ brother just because Dad's decided to go psycho on me too."_

_And with that she spun on her feel and stormed---actually it was more like _marched_---away. "Asshole," she muttered under her breath._

_"BITCH!" he screamed, as she slammed the door to the next room. He remained frozen as he was, glaring after her immobilely. Then he added, "And what do you mean, 'replacement?!'"_

* * *

The front door hit the wall as I ran in. "Gaz, I'm home!"

"I don't care," she grumbled from the floor, crayons in her hand.

"Oh, yes you do," I muttered, closing the door gently behind me. I sighed, looking around nervously. "Everything's been fine here, right? No weird alien cats or weenie-wielding thugs have attacked or anything?"

"Not today. Now be quiet. I'm _busy._"

I raised an eyebrow. "Busy doing what?"

"Drawing."

I leaned over the edge of the couch; she was drawing, as far as I could tell, the most bizarre, macabre crayon-art possible, with black, blue and red featured predominantly in a surrealist display of flat noses and slashing hooves. Gaz's eyes snapped to the side when she saw me watching her and she moved to block her picture from view. "What do you want?" she grumbled.

"Nothing. Except..."

She turned to look at me, one eye expanding. I hesitated; but then, figuring that I couldn't exactly backtrack now that I'd started, I slowly asked, "Has Zim been...I don't know, _talking_ to you anymore lately? I mean other than the other day?"

"Your annoying green friend? No." She turned back to her picture and began scribbling in what I thought must be a puddle of blood for her nightmarish creatures to lap up. "Why?"

"Well, it's just that...he's seemed...extra weird lately. Been asking some weird questions around skool...to Keef and stuff."

She grunted, uncaring. Again I paused, wondering if I should continue; I didn't have to, she had already told me he wasn't asking her. I probably should stop.

"She's been asking more about _Dib._"

Instantly Gaz's head snapped back around. Her eyes narrowed. "_Why?!_"

"Hey hey!" I held up my hands. "Don't shoot the messenger, sis. I don't _know_ why. You don't have any ideas, do you?"

"_No._" Pause. "You said _Keef's_ talking to him about him?"

"No, don't try to pin this on him. The first time Zim's tried to ask Keef anything about this is today, and Keef didn't say a word about him."

"Well then how does Zim even _know_ about Dib?"

"I have no idea. I want to find out, though. He's probably up to _something._" I rubbed my chin. "Plus he's really just pissing me off."

Gaz scoffed, then turned back to her picture, scribbling rather violently. "I don't see why _YOU_ even care," she growled. "You never even met him. You just _replaced_ him."

"...Wow, Gaz. Really feeling the love here."

She shrugged. There was a long moment of silence. Finally she said, "Zim and I will have to have a little..._talk_ tomorrow."

I blinked. "Uh---that might not be a good idea. I'd rather he didn't know I was looking into---"

She shot me a look that silenced me instantly, then turned back to coloring her picture. I scratched my head. "...Well, just be sure to leave enough of him for me to dissect, eh?" I said dryly.

"Fine."

"Alright." I turned and began to climb the stairs. "Anyway, you gonna be down here for a while?"

"_Yes._"

"Okay. I'm going to bed, though. I've had a long day. G'night, love you."

She grunted.

I paused, grinned, then leaning back down the staircase. "I said, I love you, Gaz."

She grunted louder.

I hopped back down the stairs, leaning over the couch. "I _love _you, Gaz! I'm overflowing with happy, joyous, Keef-like brotherly _love!_ My _love_ for you gushes forth like---"

"Alright, damn it! I _luuuuve_ you!" she sneered, her fist clenching so hard her crayon snapped in two. "Now go _fuck off!_"

I snickered, then waved as I turned to go. "'Night!"

I was still chuckling to myself as I ran up the stairs, but stopped when I reached the second floor, forcing myself to turn serious. I reached into my coat pocket, taking out my notebook as I headed down the hall. I wasn't actually about to go to bed; first I was going to file my report on Tak to the Swollen Eyeballs.

I walked past my bedroom door, tiptoeing carefully down the hall. I never filed my report from my own computer, or in my own room.

Instead I headed for the door at the back of the hallway, across from Dad's rarely-used bedroom. The room that nobody but I ever, _ever_ went into.

The room with the lock and the security panel to keep anybody out.

Dib's old room.

* * *

**A/N: **Hmm...interesting.

Anyway, I hope the minor humor here was enough to hold you over until Zim gets back. Next chapter will be kind of a second part to this one (again, because that's basically what it was when I wrote it), with more flashbacks and information about Louie, Dib and the Swollen Eyeballs. Until then, please review!


	19. Ajunt Mofman

**Author's Notes: **_A bit late for something supposedly almost done a week ago, isn't this?_

Yeah, well...it wound up longer and more detailed than I thought.

_Hmm. And of course the hours you've wasted on TVTropes had nothing to do with this?_

...You know, **Mike, **the more I think about it, the more I think this whole "character-in-the-author's-notes" thing was a dumb idea. Anyway, to my readers: I would have had this up much earlier today, but I spent a lot of time working on this HORRIBLE! collection of pictures, because I wanted to let you all see what Louie was supposed to look like. And...this is at least good enough to give you a fair indication, I suppose (just add the dots in the right places):

http://joemerl**(DOT)**deviantart**(DOT)**com/art/quot-Death-of-the-Dib-quot-Doodles-123953107

Anyway, hope you enjoy the new chapter!

* * *

Chapter Eighteen  
Ajunt Mofman

_Louie hated to admit it, but that cop had been true to his word: they had found a house that he couldn't escape from._

_But it was _not _for a lack of trying on his part._

_The first day, he had tried the easy route---he waited until his new "father" and the girl were asleep, sneaked out of his room, and calmly walked out the backdoor._

_Which, of course, activated a huge alarm, notifying everybody in the house (street, neighborhood and city) to his attempted break-out._

_Louie had been sent back to bed, with a very strong lock placed on his door and a series of very brutal threats from Gaz about waking her up again._

_The second day, Louie tried a different, but still basic, tactic: opening his window, making a rope out of his sheet and simply climbing down to the ground. It worked well, until he was caught by the security bots._

_Louie had been punished with no supper the next night, but that didn't stop him from breaking out of his locked room to get some cold pizza from the fridge for his third and most ambitious attempt _ever:_ tunneling._

_It actually wasn't as hard as it sounded: Membrane had lots of weird scientific equipment in his basement, and the laser-blaster had little problem getting through the cement floor or the soft soil underneath. He had zapped his way under the house and to the very edge of the property, however, when he discovered the force field._

_Yeah, the _force field._ This guy had a _force field_ around his _entire house._ Including _under it._ Louie tried to tunnel deeper, but it went all the way around, enclosing the house in a gigantic egg; north, east, south, west or down, he hit it every time, and near dawn he had no choice but to climb back out, use a few more of Membrane's inventions to fix the floor and race back up to bed, cursing his brilliant idiot "father" and his stupid house under his breath the whole way. (Gaz's later assault for eating her pizza did little to improve his mood.)_

_It was pathetic. He was Houdini stuck in Alcatraz. Clearly they had warned Membrane just who this new "son" of his was, and Membrane, amazingly, had managed to outsmart him. Louie had to give the man a certain grudging respect for that. But _very_ grudging---he didn't like, nor was he used to, being outsmarted. _

_And now, on the fourth night of his imprisonment in this stupid place, Louie had decided not to even_ try _to escape. But if he couldn't break_ out _of this house, there was one place in his prison he was at least going to try to break _into.

* * *

NO ONE was allowed in Dib's old room. The room, for all intents and purposes, was not even supposed to be acknowledged as existant; neither Dad nor Gaz, to my knowledge, ever went in there. Although, to be fair, to _their_ knowledge I never went in there either, so it goes to show that we're kind of a secretive family.

So of course I had to be careful about when I _did_ go in there; I had no idea how Dad would react if he knew, and Gaz, well, I had ideas, and they weren't pretty; she never hit me (barring a few times early in our relationship), but I was not at all sure her restraint would last if she thought I was defiling Dib's old things.

So, tiptoeing carefully down the hall, casting looks over my shoulder every few seconds, I approached...

* * *

_...the secret door. Louie wasn't entirely sure what was behind it; all he knew was that his new "father" had told him, that very first day as he had given his new, sulking "son" a tour of the house, that he was not supposed to ever, ever, _EVER_ go in there, under any circumstances, _AT ALL._ His new "sister" had emphasized that point by pounding a hole in a wall._

_This, of course, had done nothing but whet Louie's interest_ immensely.

_And so he stood there in his oversized pajamas, about a foot back from the door, examining it with one blond eyebrow quirked and his fingers thoughtfully rubbing his chin. What were the chances that opening this door would trigger an alarm? Not too bad, actually, given his previous experiences here and how much the house's owners seemed to want to keep Louie out of this room. He could try to break into the house's circuitry...but then, when he really thought about it, he knew there was little real chance of _that. _He was good, he was prideful, but he wasn't _stupid._ A genius IQ was one thing, but he had learned one thing over the last several days: Membrane was crafty. No way Louie was going to hack into any of _his_ work without a hell of a lot of trouble on his part._

_Still, Louie wanted into this room. So, an alarm was a risk he was just going to have to take._

_Of course, he knew the door was locked; and not just normal-locked, but computer locked, with a security system all its own. There was a little panel next to the door, built into the wall. It looked..._

* * *

...remarkably similar to the one at Tak's mansion; except in this case I knew it was sure to be locked. Plus it didn't need a password. It needed a DNA sample. From Dad, specifically.

I reached into the pocket of my coat, extracting a small cigarette case. I flicked it open; inside was a single very long black hair, curled up to fit. I drew it out and...

* * *

_...waved it in front of the scanner, face screwed up in concentration._

_The circle of dark glass glowed red for a moment, scanning Membrane's hair. Louie held his breath, waiting for an alarm._

_"Welcome, Professor Membrane," a mechanized voice said, followed by a loud_ CLICK!_ from the doors as the locks undid themselves. Louie snatched back the hair, breath caught in his throat. He froze and waited for a long moment, expecting some sort of noise to indicate that one of the two freaks were onto him._

_Nothing._

_Louie's face broke into a grin. Stuffing the hair back into his pajamas' pocket, he reached out towards the knob..._

* * *

...shot a quick look over my shoulder again, knowing Gaz would kill me if she saw me going in there; then, taking a deep breath, I quickly opened the door and slipped inside, closing it quickly behind me as quietly as I could.

* * *

**SLAM!**

_Louie froze; he hadn't meant to close the door that loudly. He strained his ears; he could have sworn he heard Gaz shifting in her bed in the next room, but after a long moment of nothing else he sighed, releasing a breath he hadn't even been aware he was holding. Then he looked up and took a look around the room._

_Instantly he was disappointed. It was---a bedroom? Some kid's bedroom, with posters on the wall, a bed, a bookcase, a computer desk...Louie slumped over. This was it? This was the mysterious room, the one his new "father" and "sister" had spent so much time forbidding him to enter? This was just disappointing. He had wanted some top-secret laboratory, treasure, a monster...maybe the decapitated bodies of a few of Membrane's ex-wives or the remains of some sort of twisted experiment gone horribly wrong. This room hardly looked different than his own, except less generic, more clearly lived-in._

_Louie took a step forward and stubbed his toe. He let out a muted cry, jumping around one-legged for a moment and cursing under his breath. After a moment and some deep breaths, though, he bent down to at least examine what he had hit, allowing his eyes to adjust to the dim light streaming in through the curtains._

_He blinked. It was some sort of weird machine, a mixture of metal with a huge glass tank. It looked to him like some sort of ventillator, the kind you would find in a hospital or something. "Huh..." Louie quirked his head to one side, wondering for a moment, then shook his head and moved on, creeping across the room to the posters on the wall._

AREA 51,_ one exclaimed in bold letters, along with map and a point marked "Here be Marsoids???"_ THE HUMAN MUG _was on another. A third showed different kinds of Hollywood-type monsters---vampires, weremoose, that sort of thing---but was set up like a scientific chart to point out distinguishing features. Yet another just showed a giant eye, with the words _THEY ARE WATCHING_ in big, forboding letters._

_Louie raised his eyebrow and turned to the bed, which took up a good portion of the room---it was like one of those racecar beds some kids had and others secretly always wanted even though none of their stupid foster parents would ever get him one! (...ahem), except after examining it for a moment Louie realized it was not a car but some sort of spaceship. Yet another poster behind it showed a picture of a UFO, and Louie shook his head. "Whose bedroom _is _this?" Just adding to the weirdness was the collection of equipment _next_ to the bed---an IV, a heart monitor, a ventillator...the bedside table held a collection of pill bottles and what looked like an intercom. Maybe the person who used this bed needed to be waited on, or even needed to call for immediate help in a crisis?_

_"...Weird." Louie walked carefully through the room, running a hand over the bedsheet. He paused, examining it. "Huh. Not much dust...wonder when the last time someone came in here was."_

_He went to the bookshelf, cocking his head; he picked up a book at random, examining the cover. _The Big Ol' Book of Aliens and Junk._ He casually opened it; on the inside front cover were the printed words _PROPERTY OF,_ followed by a messy handscript that read _Dib Membrane._ On the _schmultztitel_---that blank piece of paper every book has, you know, the one in the front that seems to hold no purpose---there was a note in different handwriting, larger, neater and somehow more dramatic._

Dear Son! Since your "Uncle Griggy" has insisted on filling your head with this nonsense about "para-science," I thought this book might interest you a bit. Just remember, it's all NONSENSE! Happy fifth birthday. Signed, YOUR DAD!

_Louie raised an eyebrow. "_Fifth _birthday?" This didn't look like a book for a five-year-old; this looked fit for someone Louie's own age at least, probably even a few years older. Flipping through the pages, Louie quickly found that someone (presumably this "Dib" the note mentioned) had scribbled notes all throughout the margins; the handwriting was terrible, but as Louie worked to dicipher the messages he was impressed. As the book went on about cases of supposed alien encounters and theories of extraterrestrial life "Dib" had provided comments, critiques, scientific scribblings that either supported or debunked each individual case. "Huh," Louie muttered, cocking his head. No five-year-old _he_ knew could have witten that much about the likelihood of silicon-based lifeforms on terrestrial planets._

_He shut the book and put it under his arm, then grabbed the next one on the shelf. This had another message on the front page, written by the same hand. _Dear Son! I suppose I must accept your interest in this "para-science" hoo-ha, since you seem to have read NOTHING but that book I bought for you in the last year! So, I bought you another one about dead people. At least we know THOSE are real! Happy sixth birthday, son. Love, DAD!

_Louie flipped through again; this book was just like the first, definitely too old for some kid, yet somehow filled with meticulous little notes. Louie couldn't help but be interested. _Can Ghosts Feel Pain?_ one part of the book asked. "Dib" had circled it and drew an arrow: _Yeah, ghost pains,_ he had written, with an eye-rolling smiley face._ How do ghosts absorb energy?_ another of his notes asked. _Can they use spent energy? Can something dead be affected by entropy?_ And on and on like that._

_Louie reached out and got the next book on the shelf. This one was a surprise; it was only half the size of either of the other two, and, he noticed quickly, written for a younger age. _Dear Son,_ Membrane's note began. _I'm so sorry you have to spend your birthday in the hospital. I guess this teaches you about touching my Hover-Helmet, doesn't it?! But anyway, I know you've been having some problems reading lately, but I hope you'll enjoy this one anyway. Love, Dad.

_There were definitely fewer notes in this one, and, Louie noticed, frowning, they were a lot simpler, with a lot more spelling and grammar mistakes; _Whut duz this wurd mene?_ was written over and over again, each time with an arrow pointing to some reasonably-hard word in the text. Louie frowned; was this the same kid? He reached for the next book._

_This was_ definitely _a kid's book; as in, mostly-pictures, less-than-fifty-words-per-page, "this is a monster it goes RAAR!" stupidity. It had no notes, just the front message. _Dear Son, I know you've been having a hard time lately. I know this isn't the kind of informative book you usually like, but I thought it might be good practice to help get your reading level back up again. I hope you know how proud I am, watching you work so hard ever since your last accident. Happy eighth birthday. Love, Dad.

_That was the last book Louie could find with any sort of birthday message; there were more books on the shelf, some advanced, some childish, but the series of "birthday books" was done. Louie frowned at them, wondering..._

CREAK.

_Louie jumped so high his head almost hit the ceiling. Something had moved in the next room---someone shifting in their sleep? Or someone getting up because they heard a noise? Louie wasn't going to wait to find out---he spun around, turned, and ran out the door, hearing it automatically lock behind him as he dashed for his own sleeping quarters. He leapt in, slamming the door behind him and pinning himself against it as if to block anyone trying to force their way in._

_There was no other sound; Louie listened for a long moment, then let out a sigh, leaning forward and allowing his tensed muscles to relax. Then he frowned, realizing that his arm was still curled up to his chest, loaded with the collection of 'Dib's' books._

_Huh. He'd forgotten to put them back. Louie shrugged. Oh well; there was no way he was going to tempt fate and go back into the mysterious room tonight. And besides, he reasoned, dropping them down on his nightstand as he crawled back into bed---he could use some good reading material, other than the stale science books that Membrane had left all over his bookshelf..._

* * *

The room looked the same as it always did; the bookshelf against one wall, the dark curtains, the bed, the old medical equipment...I took a deep breath. The room was starting to smell old, dusty, stale. Everything was coated with dust. I frowned. If Dad or Gaz _were_ coming in here, they certainly weren't doing it to clean.

...Okay, granted, _I_ wasn't either. Like I said, it's a secrecy thing. If all three of us were coming in here, none of us wanted the others to know about it.

I moved carefully through the room, trying to avoid kicking up too much dust. I paused at the bookshelf. I picked up a random tome and flipped through it; it was actually clean, probably from all the _other_ times I sneaked in here to peek through Dib's collection. Of course I'd read this book before...several times, in fact...

I put it back in its place, returning my gaze to the familiar bed, medical equipment, posters. Man, this was weird. It was like a weird cross between going through your great-grandfather's old trunk in the attic and walking through a museum. Except of someone you knew. Kind of. A little. Not really. Somebody you didn't _know,_ but were now supposed to _be._ Someone you'd never _met,_ but felt you _knew _anyway. Someone who wasn't even there anymore, but---let's face it---I was there to _replace._

I paused. "Man my life is messed up." Then I moved across the room towards Dib's old computer.

* * *

_Professor Membrane had enrolled Louie in skool immediately after he arrived, but after his first attempt to run away on the walk to the bus stop, he had decided to "give Louie some time to adjust" before letting him leave the security of the force-fielded abode. Which gave Louie a lot of free time in his room all day; and Louie, of course, immediately went about the task of devouring every bit of intelligent information (i.e., not soap operas or something written by Professor Membrane, the obvious-hack-no-matter-how-many-diseases-he's-supposedly-cured) he could get his hands on._

_Which largely meant the books from the mysterious 'Dib'-person's room._

_They were...actually pretty interesting, Louie had to admit, and the notes even more so---at least with the harder books, before 'Dib's' apparent and mysterious dumbening. Louie finished them all quickly; and, after re-reading his favorite parts of each book ten times each, he decided to get more reading material._

_By the end of the week, Louie had read every book on Dib's shelf._

_By this point his sojourns into Dib's room had become a nightly ritual; and, with all the books read and nothing to do, Louie decided to continue his explorations._

_"Well," Louie said, turning away from the bookshelf and glancing across the room, "I wonder if 'Dib' has anything half so interesting on his _computer..."

* * *

It was, I'll admit, kind of a weird tradition; I always used _Dib's_ computer whenever I had to actually contact the Eyeballs, never my own, safe computer in my own, safe room. I sometimes told myself that it aided security, but the truth was, I just found it more fitting. Dib would have wanted it that way.

And besides, this was how it all got started anyway.

* * *

_Louie went over to the desk. The chair, for some reason, had a large hole cut into the back; Louie sat down, a bit awkwardly, spinning slightly around. The desktop was messy, with scraps of paper littering the area all around the computer monitor. Louie reached to grab a paper; his elbow hit the mouse, moving it. He jumped a little when the room was suddenly filled with a slight sound and a sudden brightness. Louie gasped, then quickly sighed with relief, realizing it was just the computer; it hadn't been off as he had suspected, it had (for the week he had been there, apparently) only been in sleep mode, and was now "waking up," the screen turning bright with the slight sound of static electricity radiating off._

_Louie leaned forward towards the screen, brushing blond hair away from his face to study it; there was a map of what Louie guessed was the city, along with the words _BIGFOOTRACKER_ at top, with a single dot beeping around the forest at the edge of town. Louie raised an eyebrow, then brought the window down. There was another window beneath it; the Internet, and a website called theswolleneyeball(dot)com._

_The site was a dark gray/black color. _YOU HAVE AUTOMATICALLY LOGGED OUT, _it read in small letters at the top. _PLEASE SIGN BACK ON IF YOU WISH TO CONTINUE._Below were two lines where you could write something. _LOGIN,_ the screen instructed above those spaces. Next to one space was the word _AGENT. _Next to the other was the word _PASSWORD.

_"Hmm...what's this..."_

_Louie stared at the screen for a moment, frowning. He wanted to investigate further, but hesitated, wondering what to do. "Agent..._Membrane,_" Louie guessed, typing it in. Then, for the password he also put "Membrane." Hey, if this was the Professor doing it, then it seemed fairly plausible._

"INCORRECT LOGIN."

_Louie jumped at the audible voice, then frowned, leaning back in his chair. He looked around for a moment, then his eyes fell on the books he was still carrying under his arm. He paused for a moment._

_"Agent..._Dib,_" Louie guessed, and then, hesitating over the password for a moment, hazarded 'Password.'_

"INCORRECT LOGIN. WARNING: THREE INCORRECT LOGINS WILL CAUSE YOUR COMPUTER TO EXPLODE. **BIG-LIKE!**"

_Louie's eyes widened. "That isn't serious, is it?" He instantly decided it was. Better not take chances, with that scary girl sleeping right on the other side of this wall._

_Grimacing, Louie slumping his face in his hand with his elbow resting on the desktop. He looked down...then slowly sat up again, eyes widening._

_Louie slowly picked up one of the scraps of paper from the desk. It was covered in an unsteady handwriting---the same one he recognized from the books' notes---with dozens of different words._

Ajunt Alean. Ajunt Bigfut. Ajunt Gost. Ajunt Sasquatch..._each set was crossed out, though, creating a long list of rejections...Louie's eyes traveled down the paper, until finally, at the bottom, there were the words _Ajunt Mofman._ This too was crossed out, but circled too; then someone (Louie was already thinking of this person as "_Dib"_) had drawn an arrow, and written, in the clearest handwriting it looked like he could muster, _Agent Mothman._ Under it he had written _Password: piggies.

_Louie stared at it for a long moment, then looked at the screen, then back at the list. He licked his lips, crushed the rational, non-suicidal part of his brain, leaned forward and wrote it into the computer._

_His finger hesitated over the "Enter" key for a moment, intelligence battling with curiosity. Finally the latter won, and he shut his eyes quickly, throwing up his hands in anticipation of imminent death._

_For a long moment he was frozen there, then he slowly opened his eyes. The computer was now covered in letters and numbers, information spreading across the screen. It then froze into some kind of website, boxes showing different kind of information; some kind of a profile page, with the words _TOP SECRET!!!_ flashing across the top._

_"Huh..." Louie's hand drifted back towards the mouse. "What is..."_

_"_INCOMING TRANSMISSION!_"_

_"Agh!"_

_Louie jumped; his chair went flying backwards on its wheels as suddenly, before he could do anything, another window opened. A shadowy figure appeared inside, staring out at him with glowing red eyes; Louie's eyes widened as the figure cocked its head, blinking. _

_Oh crap. She couldn't see him, could she?_

_"Agent Mothman? Is that you?"_

_Oh crap._

_The figure---Louie was pretty sure it was a woman---leaned in closer to the screen; Louie leaned back instinctively. "Agent Mothman?"_

_"No!" Louie said without thinking. "That's not me!"_

_"Then who are you?"_

_Louie thought wildly, and then decided on an old tactic he had learned: faked indignance. "Who am I?! Who are _you, _huh?! I'm just sitting at my computer and suddenly some weird chick in the shadows pops up, how about _you_ tell me who _you _are, huh?"_

_The woman was taken aback; seeing this, Louie decided to take advantage of this, leaning towards the screen and trying to look as menacing as possible---which was difficult, mind you, given that he _was _little more than an eight-year-old boy in his pajamas. Nevertheless his gelid eyes and the way his greasy hair fell down over his face _did_ help somewhat, and the woman look askance, clearly not sure what the situation was or whether or not it should worry her._

_"I am Agent TunaGhost of the Swollen Eyeball Network," she said carefully, raising one glowing eye at him. "And I did not just 'pop up,' as you have claimed. _You_ have logged onto _our_ organization's website, claiming to be Junior Agent Mothman. Now are you that boy or not?"_

_"Um...uh..."_

_Louie's facade faltered; he looked around, trying to find an answer. His eyes fell to the paper again. He opened his mouth, failed to breath for a moment, then closed it, turning back to the screen with another determined look on his face. _

_"Yes---kind of."_

_"You're Agent Mothman?"_

_"No. Mofman."_

_"That's what I said."_

_"_No,_" Louie corrected, drawing himself up to his full height (which was pretty good for his age, if nothing else). "You asked if I was A-_GENT MOTH-_man. I'm A-_JUNT MOF-_man." He folded the paper slightly and held it to the screen, pointing at the crossed-out words for emphasis._

_The woman gaped at the writing for a moment, then turned back to Louie, who sat with a slight smile on his face, arms folded. Her mouth was opened; it was glowing too, a silly little "o" on her dark face. _

_"...You're not the boy who contacted us earlier this week about a sasquatch, are you?"_

_"No. I'm his replacement," Louie said simply. "Now, what's this whole 'Eyeball' thing _about,_ exactly?"_

* * *

"So I'm not sure exactly _what _it's about," I admitted, scratching my head, "but I _do_ know that Tak is _definitely _up to something. And it apparently involves Zim."

Agent TunaGhost frowned, a fact only visible by the way her glowing eyes narrowed. "Hmm. Very interesting information, Ajunt Mofman. How do you plan to proceed?"

"Well...that's what I was kind of calling to ask about," I admitted. "I'm not quite sure. The other Agents said I should focus on Tak, but if Zim's involved..."

"Hmph."

I raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"You just can't let that one get away, can you?"

I felt my face turn red; and unfortunately, _I_ wasn't blackened out from _her_ view. "Technically, Tak doesn't seem to have done anything yet that could be threatening to the Earth," I pointed out. "Zim has. Maybe they're working together, I don't know, but I think Zim would be the best place to start. I have easier access to him, and unlike Tak, he tends to be...uh..."

She raised an eyebrow, letting me trail off for a moment. "...Stupid?"

"Yeah, that's a good way to say it. Or at least _massively_ unsubtle. Tak definitely might be the more _dangerous_ one, but I would hazard a guess that Zim's at least the worst _immediate_ threat."

Agent TunaGhost sounded skeptical. "And is that your _only _reason?"

The only reason? You mean other than the fact that Zim had thrown spitballs at me? Dumped glue in my hair? That he had been acting extra bizarre, was trying to interrogate my friends, snoop around my family life, and inexplicably digging up information about a loved one currently buried six feet in the ground?

"Well, those are the main ones."

"_Hmm..._" Agent TunaGhost was silent for a moment; I hesitated, feeling a bead of sweat roll down my neck. "Well, Ajunt Mofman, this isn't my area of expertise, you know, nor am I allowed to overide the Senior Members' directives. If I were you, I'd talk to Darkbooty or Disembodied Head."

"_Ugh._"

"Hmm, I share your sympathies about that last part," she muttered, rolling her eyes. "But in any event, _I_ see no problem with your plans. Look into this _Zim_ of yours as much as you can, and see what connections he may have to the Deelishus girl. If they are indeed part of some wider conspiracy, taking down either of them may be enough to ultimately secure a victory against their plans."

I let out a breath. "Thanks."

"You're welcome, Ajunt Mofman. Agent TunaGhost, signing off."

The screen turned blank. I sighed, ran a hand up through my hair, then stood, stretching as I crossed the room. I opened the door, pausing on the threshold, looking back at the old, abandoned room. I considered it again for a moment.

"Don't worry, Dib," I muttered. "I'm gonna find out _exactly_ what Zim is up to here, including whatever the hell he wants to know about you." Then I suddenly smiled, giving the room a little wave. "Goodnight, bro."

And then I slipped back into the hallway, closed the door behind me and sneaked back to my room, glancing down the hall once again to make sure Gaz wasn't around.

* * *

**A/N:** Another chapter done! Whoo, that was a tough one. And long! Possibly the longest single chapter I've ever written, or close. Anyway, it may be a while before my next update...I need to do some more planning. But coming up in the next few chapters: Zim and Louie confrontations, **Mike, Juan** and **Lakeisha** plotting, some Gaz, some Keef, and eventually a bit of Red and Purple too. Until next time, thanks for reading and please leave a review!


	20. Malfunctions

**Author's Notes: **_Well, you had such a good thing, going, JoeMerl...weekly updates for a while, and now---_

Yeah, yeah, I know. Sorry, everyone, really fell behind on my writing for a while, plus again, I'm juggling this story with a few others. But there's a new chapter now, and it finally has Zim in it again, so I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Chapter Nineteen  
Malfunctions

**AUGUST 28, PRESENT, 7:45:00  
ZIM'S POV**

"AH-HA! I HAVE IT!" I held up the blueprints for my latest plan. "BEHOLD!"

The Computer sighed. "What is it, Zim?"

"My newest plan to defeat the Dib---er, Louie-worm." I pointed, a grin spreading across my face. "First, we paint a large Earth-letter 'X' upon the ground, and then, luring the Lou upon it with a plate full of seeds, we shall drop a large metal anvil upon him, and _then---_"

"Uh, question?"

"What?!"

"By any chance did you get this plan from one of GIR's cartoons?"

"Your point?!"

"Well, I'm just wondering, how did things _work out_ for the coyote?"

"Well, it---I---uh---_GRR!_"

I crumpled the paper into pieces and threw it angrily away; it hit the rim of the time machine and bounced off onto the floor. "Well, I can't think of anything else!" I raged, kicking the computer console in annoyance. "I've been trying for _days _to figure that annoying little Earth-monkey out, but he's proven just as difficult to destroy as the Dib-worm! And I might add that _your_ advice didn't help at all!"

"Hey, all I said was that he _might _be able to help!" the Computer snapped; his annoyance shifted the lab's lighting to a darker shade of red. "You've gotten information out of that little weirdo before, excuse _me_if it didn't work this time. You know, some people actually _learn_ from their mistakes..."

I narrowed an eyes. "What are you implying?"

"_Nothing..._"

I turned away, grimacing. I was _still _annoyed by the previous day's failure. Using the Keef had seemed like a brilliant idea---after all, _I _was brilliant!---especially given how the Louie and the Keef were apparently supposed to be...ugh, _friends _in this timeline. Which was weird enough in itself! Who would willingly befriend that creepy little joy-worm? Granted, I had made that mistake myself, briefly, but at least I had had the wisdom to rip his eyes out after a day or so. Louie had apparently been Keef's "bestest friend" for years, and in this timeline Dib had been in the years before him...it seemed a miracle they had survived _that_ long enough for me to _have_ to worry about destroying either of them.

"Don't we have other things to do?" the Computer sighed---a mantra it had been repeating ever since I had gotten home the previous day. "You keep trying to come up with a way to destroy Louie. You've got nothing. Maybe we should just focus on, you know, world domination or something, and then just let the whole Louie-stopping-us chips fall where they may."

"_NO!_" I said angrily, pounding my fist on the computer console ("Ow!" we both cried). "I've tried that in both timelines and it never seems to work!" I said, shaking my injured hand. "The whole point of creating _this _timeline was so that I wouldn't have any annoying hyuman worm-babies to try to stop me! And even with this _stupid_ development of the Louie's existence, I intend to create a world where this will happen! I just need to figure out a way to defeat this new threat."

"But there are lots of more important things to worry about, Zim. Like, have you heard about this whole 'destabilization of the space-time continuum' thing that everyone's talking about? For example, apparently there's this star not far from here that's been acting really---"

"_Silence!_ I don't have time to listen to your babbling! Now be quiet, unless you're actually going to _help_ me come up with a way to defeat the blasted Lou-beast!"

The Computer grumbled and then, thankfully, fell silent.

I sighed, turning back to my table to construct a new plan. Now, maybe if I replaced the anvil with some kind of a...plasma death-ray thingy, then I could just---

_"Come on, Gaz! I just _know_ there's gotta be something paranormal around here someplace!"_

"WHUH?!"

I jumped and spun around, eyes growing wide---I knew that voice instantly, despite how much more..._squeaky _it sounded than usual, and I searched all around the room, breath caught in my throat until...

I breathed a sigh of relief as I discovered the source of the noise---the Computer's primary screen, which was suddenly displaying the image of the tiny, pathetic little smeet-hyuman version of Dib, riding down the street in his pathetic Earth-vehicle with the young Gaz-hyuman following on foot behind.

"Heh. Look at her little bow. She looks downright _cute._"

The Computer's comments snapped me out of my _amazing_ daze. "What?! What are you doing, Computer?!"

"I dunno. Hooking up to the time machine, watching this 'Dib' kid you've been blathering on about."

"What?! Why?!"

"Bored. Besides, maybe if I knew more _about_ him I could help you figure out your little problem. Huh, what makes his head so big? Oh, but look at _Gaz!_ Wow, good thing she grew into that..."

_"This is stupid!" _past-Gaz (who incidentally did have an _ENORMOUS!_ head) was saying on the screen. _"We're not going to find any of your stupid little_ fairy tales _out here, Dib!"_

_"Trust me, Gaz! There's_ bound _to be something paranormal around here if we just---_look!_"_

It was a scene I was familiar with from earlier in the week: the younger Dib and his sister on top of a small hill, looking down at a group of _savage_little Earth-children beat upon an absolutely _ridiculous_model of what was supposed to be some sort of alien lifeform. It was laughable, really---especially since Dib thought it _was_ real.

_"An alien! Stand back! I'll get it!" _Dib screamed, leaning forward in his vehicle to make it race down the hill.

Gaz sighed. _"Not again."_

"Wow, I can see why this kid was a problem; only three and he was already into the whole 'alien-hunting' thing? I wonder if Louie---_OH!_"

_CRASH!_

The Dib on the computer screen crashed, painfully, into a tree. The Computer chuckled.

"Wow, wipeout! I---hey, wait, are arms _supposed _to bend that way? Man, that really _did_ mess him up."

"Yes," I said, waving my hand dismissively. "That was the first time I meddled with the little Earth-monkey's timeline. The whole _point_ was to 'mess him up.'"

"Huh? Oh, wait, _that's_ what that pig was about?"

"Yes. I used rubber pigs to alter the Dib-monkey's timeline and erase him from the present."

"...You know, you could have just used a Hunter-Destroyer Bot or some---"

"I _tried _that! Stupid time displacer thingy...now turn that off! We have work to do!"

"Shh, quiet, I'm trying to watch this."

"Ugh---but I just commanded you to---"

The Computer "SHH!"ed me (ME! The amazing ZIM!) as its screen shifted to another scene, one I hadn't bothered to watch before. The Dib---looking bruised, battered and wrinkled---was sitting up in some kind of bed in a strange room I couldn't identify. The Computer pulled the view back somewhat to include the room's other occupants---Gaz, sitting in a chair by the door, apparently asleep, and an adult hyuman female wearing a white outfit and a hat with the lower-case Earth-letter _t _on it. It immediately reminded me of the outfit the nurse wore at skool.

Dib was staring at his hand. Or his...lack of one, actually, turning his arm around as if trying to view it from all sides, his mouth agape.

_"But I...I can still feel it...it still hurts..."_

_"Those are called 'ghost pains!'" _the woman said cheerfully, smiling at him.

_"Ghost pains? Did a ghost steal my hand?! Is it haunted?!"_

_"Ha-ha, no, no, silly, that's just what you call it when you can still feel your body part after the amputation! It'll actually help when we get you your prosthesis, you'll see. Do you know what one of those is, sweetie?"_

_"A...a fake hand?"_

_"Oh, very good! Now how old are you, dear?"_

_"Th---three. And three-quarters."_

_"Well, that's a _very_ big word for a three-year-old! You must be really smart. Now don't worry, I think you'll have fun picking a new prosthesis out, we have all sorts of new _robotic _versions that Membrane Labs has put out..."_

I watched, oddly fascinated, as the scene unfolded. "Huh," the Computer said, suddenly breaking into my thoughts and making me jump once again. "You crushed half his arm."

"Buh---_ugh._ Turn it off," I said, waving my hand once again. "This dribbling nonsense will not help us fight the Louie-beast, so there is no point---"

"_Shhh!_ I like this show! Ooh, Membrane, I like him..."

_"And how are you doing today, son?"_

The Dib---who now seemed to have been sleeping in his own, normal Earth-bedroom---sat up, using one normal and one robotic arm for leverage. _"Oh. Okay, I guess."_

He reached over to grab his occular enhancement devices from the table by his bed---_"Ah ah!"_ Membrane suddenly said, making Dib jump. "What did we talk about?"

"What? Oh..."

Dib grimaced, face turning slightly red (a common hyuman feature) as he lowered his normal arm and instead reached with his robotic arm, managing to carefully take his glasses from the table and bring them to his face. About halfway there they suddenly slipped out of his metal claw and fell towards the floor, before Membrane snatched them from the air and placed them carefully back in his son's robotic hand.

_"...Thanks."_

_"Don't worry! A little clumsiness is to be expected, just make sure you keep practicing! Soon it will be as easy as riding a bike---or something,"_ he added, frowning.

Dib nodded, placing his glasses carefully on his face. _"What are you still doing here, though? Aren't you supposed to be at work?"_

_"Oh, I decided to take the day off,"_ Membrane said, with a casual wave of one gloved hand. _"After all, you're still recuperating! I'm sure they can handle things at the lab for one day without me, even as AMAZING as I am!"_

_"Oh." _I made a face as Dib smiled on the screen---at least I think it was a smile, or maybe he was grimacing in pain, it was kind of hard to tell. Though it must have been a smile, from the wide and happy look in his eyes...

"Aww...that's sweet," the Computer said. "It's too bad he never does anything like that for Louie---"

"What?! Uh---er---JUST TURN IT OFF!"

"Agh!"

The Computer's screen drew back slightly on its robotic arm, turning suddenly to static. "Man, what's your problem, Zim?!"

"My _problem_ is that you are wasting time when we have serious---_things_ to be dealing with! We do not have time to waste worrying about some little---_worm_ who doesn't even exist anymore! We have SERIOUS things to consider, do you hear me?! It's _Louie _who's the stupid threat now, not that pathetic Dib-worm!

"ER! This is just---so---_stupid!_" I screamed, throwing up my hands and turning away to storm across the room. "I cannot believe my blasted luck here---after my attempt to get information out of the Keef, that stupid little dirt-child will be onto me now more than ever! This _fool-_childis quickly turning into another Dib! If I had_ wanted_ to waste my precious Invading time dealing with some sort of annoying little pest, I would have just _kept_ the one I had and not bothered going to all the trouble to kill him in the first pl---_agh!_"

I suddenly felt my left knee hit the floor as I grabbed at my squeedlysquooch, face contorting in pain. "Zim?" the Computer said, actually sounding a little concerned (for once!) "You okay?"

"No I'm not okay!" I hissed, panting as I climbed to my feet, sucking air between my teeth. "My squeedlyquooch feels like a pair of Slor-beasts are mating in it!"

"Huh. That's been happening a lot lately."

"What are you talking about?"

"Remember on Tuesday? You said you felt sick twice."

"Yes, yes," I waved my hand impatiently, "but that's only because I was eating GIR's _disgusting_ cooking, remember?"

"Hmm. Maybe." He paused. "Let me just check something."

"Check what? What are you---_hey!_"

I jumped as a wire descended from the machinery above my head and snapped into my PAK. I grabbed at it, trying to unplug it. "HEY! Get that out of me, you little---_YAGH-YAGH-YAGH-YAGH-YAGH!_"

A short (but exceedingly _PAINFUL!_) blast of electricity shot through my PAK and into the rest of my body, leaving me (once again) on the floor and in _PAIN!_ The wire unsnapped from my PAK and vanished into the ceiling. I glared up at it.

"What on Irk was that?!"

"A quick diagnostic of your PAK's systems. _**Processing relevant data**_...huh, that's weird..."

I raised an eyelid up at him. "What?"

"Hmm...you haven't disabled your PAK's automatic virus scans or autodiagnostic devices, have you?"

"Of course not! Do you think I'm some sort of _stupid?!_ Now what's the problem?!"

"Well, according to _my _scan, your PAK is undergoing several malfunctions."

"_What?!_"

I twisted around and grabbed my PAK in my claws, eyes going wide. "Malfunctions?! In the PAK of _Zim?!_ You speak _MADNESS!_"

"What, you've never had a PAK malfunction before?"

"What? Oh, yeah, loads of times. Now what kinds of malfunctions did you detect?!"

"Well, nothing _major, _don't worry about that. Your temperature control is a little off, a few of the power cells are burnt out...it's a little hard to tell, I think your autodiagnostic systems _must_ be damaged if you didn't realize you were having any problems, and if _that's_ damaged it's a lot harder for me to figure out what _else_ is wrong. Anyway, you're not in any immediate danger or anything as far as I can tell, but this _could _explain your weird stomach pains, if your digestional controls or neural interfacers are messed up or something. You should probably see a professional about this as soon as you ca---"

"_Professional?! _BAH!" I waved my hand, glaring. "Zim needs no professional to fix his own PAK! I can do it all on my own. I'm certified as a technician, you know."

"No you're not. Your certification was taken away after your error destroyed over a million---"

"And anyway, as you said, Zim's PAK is working fine at the moment. I'll do it the next time I recharge or something."

"Uh, actually, that should be pretty soon then. According to my scan you only have a day or two of power left."

"_Whaaaaat?!_" I stared up at the Computer's screen dumbly. "But I just recharged a couple of days ago!"

"Well, like I said, you have a bunch of dead power cells, and with your PAK running at lower efficiency---"

"Alright, alright, I get the picture," I growled. "I'll recharge sometime in the next couple of days. Satisfied?!"

"Yes. Well, I mean, I really don't _care_ one way or another, I'm just saying, it's my job to _tell_ you these things. Oh, and another thing---"

"Oh, _what?!_" I growled; I had just been looking back at my newest plan, trying to find some way to improve on that blasted coyote's flawed designs. "What annoying little nitpicky detail do you have to quibble over _now,_ your annoying pile of broken parts?!"

"Uh, it's time for skool."

"_Huh?!_" I spun around, just as the Computer's screen changed to display a set of Earthen numbers---a timer counting the time on this pathetic part of the pathetic planet. I jumped. "_Agh! _Darn it! I have to go and change for skool _quick!_"

"Quick_ly._ And you know all your clothes look the same, I doubt anyone would notice..." the Computer muttered, but I had already turned and rushed out of the lab.

* * *

**(GIR)**

GIR was sitting on the couch, a rubber piggy held tightly to his chest. He was watching _The Scary Monkey Show,_ his eyes wide, his body completely and unusually still.

Just then, Master burst into the room, adjusting his wig. "GIR!"

"Yeeeaaah?" the little robot asked, his eyes never leaving the screen and his confused frown only deepening.

"I have to go to skool now. _Again._" Master shuddered, screwing on his cybernetic eye. "Ah well. Thank Irk it's Fried-day, at least. So basically, you just stay here and do..._that._" He motioned to GIR and his bizarre TV-watching stance. "Understand?"

"...It's brokeded, Mastah."

"What is?"

"The show." GIR pointed; on the TV screen, the Scary Monkey twitched, letting out a small, eerie sound. "Monkey's not workin' right."

"What? Oh..."

Master waved his hand dismissively and opened the door. "Whatever. Computer, just make sure GIR doesn't break anything while I'm gone."

"Whatever."

Master left, slamming the door behind him. GIR continued to stare at the TV, as once again, the Scary Monkey twitched.

"_MONKEY'S BROKEN!_"

The Computer sighed. "What are you going on about?"

"Da monkey! He ain't s'posedta twitch yet! He's s'posedta wait."

"...Okay, whatever. Anyway, I'm gonna rest my upstairs censors, just come down to the basement if you need anything."

The Computer "left." GIR continued to watch his precious Scary Monkey, eyes still wide, little mouth hanging open.

And...there! The monkey growled at the screen. But the monkey wasn't supposed to growl yet, GIR was sure of that. He'd seen this episode more than twenty-gazillion times---it was his _favorite_ episode---and the monkey wasn't supposed to growl for another twenty-eight and three-quarters seconds. And there, that shiver! Where did _that_ come from?! That wasn't supposed to be there at _all_!

GIR's weak little robot mind considered these odd facts, and he came up with only two possible conclusions: A, He had simply mistaken the episode, since they all were more-or-less alike in their basic "monkey-standing-there-and-looking-scary-at-the-audience" motif, or six, somehow Zim's recent meddling with the timeline had destabilized the very fabric of the spatiotemporal continuum, and the unusual change in his TV program was just one of countless effects spreading throughout the universe as a result of his foolish meddling in the very laws of existence itself.

And if _that_ were true, then who knew what it could mean, GIR thought! Why, the monkey getting his scariness wrong could just be the beginning. Such a massive destabilization of space-time could have horrible side-effects, not just here but throughout the universe---stars could be shattered, worlds destroyed, black holes punched in the fabric of the cosmos---if only there was some way to find out, some clue that---

Just then, the Scary Monkey vanished as the news-talky man appeared on the screen.

"Breaking news. A major GFiB attack has just rocked the downtown area, escalating the recent spurt that has ravaged the city. Initial reports claim this newest GFiB managed to kill over twenty people before being destroyed by Professor Membrane's Anti-GFiB Squads. We go now to---"

"BOR-ING!" GIR called, raising the remote, all his previous thoughts instantly forgotten. The annoying news-man disappeared, and a moment later GIR was giggling and clapping with glee as a talking tube of toothpaste danced across the screen.

* * *

**A/N: **Whoo, finally done! This was another hard one; the Dib-flashback parts were longer than I expected, and so now I've bumped off Zim getting to skool 'til the next chapter...but that's good, because we get more of Zim now. Hope I'm writing him right. Anyway, I'll try to get the next chapter up soon; until then, thanks for reading, please review! We're close to 100 and it would be _really_ cool if we made it before my next update. ;-)

P.S.: http://joemerl**(DOT)**deviantart**(DOT)**com/art/Louie-126413394

Turns out I can computer-art _pretty_ well after all.


	21. Dropping Names

**Author's Notes: **Yeah, it's taken another month to update. :-( But I think I've finally mastered finding time to write each day, so hopefully there won't be too many more of these long intervals (especially since this story is nearing it's year-long anniversary!). But anyway, thank you for all of the reviews after the last chapter---this story now has over 100! _Whoo!_ Thanks a ton, everyone, and I really hope that you enjoy this chapter too!

Also, if you're interested, an OC meme I did about Louie:

http://joemerl**(dot)**deviantart**(dot)**com/art/Osoda-chan0-s-IZ-OC-Meme-131974658

And this, from an art-trade with Notgonnadie (Chaos of the Asylum on this site):

http://notgonnadie**(dot)**deviantart**(dot)**com/art/Art-Trade-Louie-129430724

_Are you going to show off pictures of that Gary Stu of yours every chapter?!_

You're just jealous that I won't do one of you.

_...I hate you._

* * *

Chapter Twenty  
Dropping Names

**JULY 24, THREE YEARS AGO, 15:00:00**

_"Ugh!"_

_Dib winced as the other boy's head slammed into the ground beside him, facing him; Rob was pale and wide-eyed with terror, but Dib barely had time to register this, his own vision was going blurry…these sudden shocks to his system weren't good for him, his breath and oxygen tank were straining…_

_Rob whimpered as he felt the small foot press against his temple, the girl's heel digging unpleasantly into his cheek. "Get off!" he yelled, trying to stand but receiving a sharp kick to the back in response._

_"I thought I taught you this lesson before,_ bitch,_" Gaz growled, her foot pushing harder against the older boy's cheek. "I don't usually have to repeat myself."_

_Rob whimpered. "What do you want?!"_

"_An apology!"_

"_I'm sorry!"_

KICK!_ Rob moaned, the wind knocked out of him. "Not to _me. _Idiot."_

_Rob gasped and then turned, his eyes focusing on the child lying on the earth beside him; Dib didn't seem to be paying much attention to either of them, though, seeing as he was gasping for breath and his---_ugly _face seemed to be turning slightly blue._

"_I'm sorry I pushed you down, Dib!" Rob gasped, as Gaz dug her shoe into his face even harder._

"_Good." The foot lifted from his face; and then, just as Rob had time to feel relieved, slammed into the back of his head. "Now _help him up!_"_

_Rob whimpered again and climbed into a crawling position, stars dancing in front of his eyes; blinking to steady himself, he managed to crawl over to grasp Dib's arm and helped lift him to his feet, trying to be as gentle, yet also_ fast,_ as he could. Dib gave another great gasp and nearly fell over, grabbing onto Rob's shoulders for support; Rob shrunk back in horror as the sickly, ugly-looking…_thing_ touched him, Dib's metallic claw tightening on his upper arm, his gasping breath warm on his face...but the whole scene lasted only for a moment; Dib leaned away again, trying to steady himself before Gaz grabbed his robotic arm by the wrist, keeping him upright._

"_Next time you try _anything,_ bitch, I'll tear off your head and mount it on my _WALL!_ GOT IT?!"_

_Rob nodded quickly. Gaz snarled again and turned away, practically dragging her brother behind her as he continued to gasp, trying to catch his breath._

_Rob gulped, trembled, and watched until they were far enough away that he felt Gaz wouldn't notice, then turned and ran away, swearing to himself that he would never pick on that creepy little crippled kid again._

_Which turned out to be pretty easy, given that Dib was dead in less than a month..._

* * *

**AUGUST 28, PRESENT, 8:05:00  
ZIM'S POV**

I ran across the lawn and down the sidewalk, passing the filthy hyuman mail-drone as he screamed and tried to pry a cat from his face. I ignored him and ran down the filthy street, headed for the skool.

I growled, gnashing my teeth together. Another day of _this_. Ah well. At least it was Fried-Day, which meant that after this last _horrible_ trip I would be free for the weekend. A strange and downright _stupid_ Earthen custom, but one that at _least _worked to my advantage. Not that I could just lie around and relax like all the miserable hyuman worms, of course, but it would at least give me more time to catch up on my plans, while trying to avoid the Dib-beast's constant attempts to break into my lab.

Er…Louie-beast, whatever. Though the Computer had mentioned that he apparently didn't do that…

Well, good! Then it'd just be me working on my evil plans, then.

Evil plans to _destroy_ the Louie, of course. Oh, that pointy-headed demon annoyed me so. At least the Dib had annoyed me by being so…annoying! Louie managed to vex me with his very existence, with his insufferable demand to _be_ in a world that I had specifically designed to be _free_ of his kind!

Oh, yes. I would find a way to defeat the Lou-monster, I thought, stepping off of the sidewalk to cross the filthy Earth-street. All I had to do was figure out how, and then I would**—**

"_Agh!_"

I jumped back onto the sidewalk with a cry, just as a procession of five hyuman vehicles flew (not literally, but close) down the road, their sirens screaming so loudly my antennae ached even beneath my wig.

"Watch where you're goin', kid!" the hyuman operating the first vehicle screamed, shaking his fist at me.

I scowled. "_You_ watch where _you're_ going, pathetic stink-beast!" I screamed, but unfortunately, the little maggot was already gone; I was left screaming at the back of the last truck, which had the words ANTI-FGIBS stamped across it in large yellow letters.

I growled again, then began to cross the street once again, my mood even fouler as the horrible child-prison came into view. I wondered how on Irk I would manage to stand one more day there after the week I had had. Well, maybe I could at _least _gather some relevant data on the Lou to help me defeat him...

I was just contemplating this thought as I climbed the steps to the skoolhouse, wondering how I could acquire such datas…when I suddenly felt my foot twist out from under me, and some force sent me flying up over the wide stone railings and into the hedges.

"_Agh!_"

I landed among the sharp, pointy branches, hissing. "What the**—**who did that?!"

The female hyuman larva climbing the steps now raised an eyebrow. "You tripped?"

"_What?!_ I did not _trip!_ I AM ZIM! Something _pushed _me!"

She rolled her eyes. "Whatever." Then she turned around and, with the utter _audacity_ that her pathetic species always shows, walked into the skool without giving _me,_ her superior, so much as another glance.

I growled, shaking my fist. "_Somebody_ _pushed me!_" I looked around the skoolyard. "Who did it, huh?! _Who?!_"

* * *

**Mike** drew his tentacle back under the steps, snickering to himself as **Juan** laughed uproariously.

**Lakeisha** frowned. "_Why did you do that, _**_Mike?_**_"_

**Mike** stared at him. "_…It was funny?_"

**Lakeisha** stared, then let out a rare chuckle. "_You're an ass, you know that?_"

* * *

**(ZIM)**

I disentangled myself from the stupid Earth-plant, grumbling. "Stupid little**—**"

"—be _so_ cool, don't you think?!"

I looked up, startled, to see the jabbering Keef-monster approaching the steps, with none other than Louie walking beside him.

"Oh, _curses!_"

I quickly threw myself back into the hedges, crouching down to hide. Because…well, keen Invader instincts took over, to be honest. Which is a good thing! After all, I did not want to get involved in a conflict with him this early, when my main goal for the day was to gather more reconnaissance to assist me in a later strike. And there was also that furious look he had given me the day before when I asked the Keef about Dib…

Not that I was scared of him because of that. Who said I was?! Nothing fears the amazing Zim! …No, wait. _Everything _fears Zim. It is Zim that fears nothing! Yeah, that's it. Got a little mixed up there for a second.

"I'm so excited! Don't you think it'll be fun, Louie?!"

"Yes, I'm sure it will be, Keef," Louie said, rolling his eyes as he and the Keef-monster began climbing the steps. "Just like it was last week."

"Yeah but I just _love_ sleepovers! They're so much fun! Don't you think so, Louie? Huh? Huh?"

The two had walked under the arch of the skool building, out of my sight; I once again untangled myself from the accursed doom-plant and began to climb after them, but I drew back out of sight with a cry when I saw that my foe was still there, standing beside the open door as Zita (who had been following a few feet behind them, an odd smile on her face) approached.

"Hold the door for you, m'lady?" Louie said, smirking as he bent down into a bow (a ridiculous gesture hyumans use to make up for the fact that those they try to honor are oftentimes _shorter_ than they are).

"_Oh…thank_ you, Louie," Zita said, blinking about ten times in rapid succession as she slipped past him and Keef into the building.

Still smiling his annoying little Louish smile, Louie straightened and was about to follow Zita in (with me emerging again from my spot beside the stairs once more) when Keef ruined the whole thing by suddenly calling out, "Hey Gretchen!"

"Oh! Hey Gretch," Louie said, smiling again as he held the door open from the inside.

"Good morning," Gretchen said cheerfully, flashing them one of her _HIDEOUS_ smiles as she followed Keef inside.

_Finally_ the door closed, and I sneaked out again from my hiding spot, jumping up the stairs and slipping quietly into the building just as the first bell rang shrilly through the halls.

"Curses…" I muttered again, remembering how late I already was. Eh, it didn't matter, I decided; my Science textbook was still in my locker, but why bother to retrieve it when my amazing brain already contained more than the sum of all Earth knowledge put together (no matter what the foolish Bitter-monster's grades said to the contrary)? I could just rush straight to class and then**—**

"Good morning, _Zim._"

_**POW!**_

_**CRASH!**_

"_Agh!_"

My amazing head suddenly slammed into the lockers, a sudden blast of pain exploding throughout my body**—**before I even had time to react, to see what had happened I felt the force of the attacker's arm pressed against my neck, pinning me to the lockers and making it almost impossible to breathe.

I opened my eyes, sputtering for breath. "G**—**Gaz-hyuman?! What**—**_agh!_"

The little child-monster slammed her arm harder against my neck, causing my head to bang painfully once more against the horrible Earth-metal wall behind me. "_WHAT_ did I tell you a few days ago, Zim?"

"I**—**I don't—what—?"

Her fist slammed into my abdomen; I gasped, sputtering, as she leaned in closer. "I _THOUGHT_ I made it clear the other day that I didn't want you going around talking about things that didn't concern you. But I guess I didn't teach you that lesson _HARD_ enough!"

_POW!_

"_AGH!_"

Gaz's fist hit me again, knocking the air out of my squeedly-squooch**—**I kicked futilely as another blow hit me in the face, sending my head against the lockers and sending a loud, painful ringing through my antennae. I let out a cry of pain, my arms and legs thrashing**—**I managed to land a swipe of my claws at her face but she merely slapped my hand away, I kicked at her but she seemed not even to _feel_ my blows as she pounded me in the face, making my head spin**—**I tried to hit her again, do _something,_ my claws wrapped around her necklace and I pulled, trying to hurt her that way to no avail**—**

She drew back her fist for another punch**—**I winced (not that I was scared, mind you, because again, I AM THE AMAZING ZIM! and all that), when suddenly another hand closed around her wrist, causing her to whip around with a snarl.

"_Gaz!_ What are you doing with your little friend here, _hmm?_"

It was the Elliot-hyuman, frowning down at Gaz with his insipid little mouth. The girl-monster's eyes narrowed.

"Beating up Zim," she said simply, with the slightest hint of a growl in her voice.

I gulped (though again, I hasten to add I was not afraid of this little worm-child in the slightest). Mr. Elliot merely frowned, releasing her wrist as he crossed his arms over his sweater-vest.

"Why, Gaz, I'm surprised at you! This behavior isn't at _all_ appropriate for you and**—**I'm sorry, Zip, was it?**—**to be engaged in. Now put him down."

Gaz's arm left my neck. Which was good, except for the sudden gravity-making-me-land-on-my-butt part.

"Now _apologize._"

Gaz stared at him; her eyes narrowed darkly, and I drew back in fear (um**—**I mean non-fearful-but-totally-legitimate-concern).

"_**No,**_"Gaz said, with all the authority of the Control Brains condemning a Tallest to death.

"Well then I'm afraid you're going to have to go to the guidance counselor, young lady."

"_What?!_"

Gaz's hands balled into fists at her side**—**it was quite clear that she was going to rip _something_ off of the Elliot-beast, though whether it would be an arm or a head I couldn't be sure. The other skoolchildren**—**watching all this time from the sidelines, (and doing absolutely _**NOTHING! **_to help me, I might add)**—**seemed to be thinking about the same thing; Louie, who was now standing just off to the side, had his eyes widened, Keef was poking his fingers together nervously, and on the other side of the hall Gretchen seemed to be making a hand gesture that I had noticed people using when Ms. Bitters passed out grades, where one puts their hands together and mutters upwards towards the ceiling.

Mr. Elliot, however, was very stupid. He simply nodded decisively, his eyes closed so that he could not even _see_ Gaz's near-homicidal rage. "I'm sorry, Gaz, but if you're going to be rude you'll have to go talk to Mr. Dwicky. But I _do_ promise we'll save if you some treats if you get back late for snack time. We're having graham crackers today!"

The Gaz-monster shook with anger, her face twisting into an ugly(er than usual) snarl**—**and then, just as I was expecting her to leap up and devour Mr. Elliot's stupid face in one bite, she suddenly spun around, growled at me, then stormed away with Mr. Elliot walking calmly beside her.

The skoolchildren continued to stare at me for a moment, then simply returned to whatever it was they were doing a moment before (as they usually did). I gulped, climbing shakily back onto my feet.

A tall shadow fell over me. "_Yeeeaaah…_I might have mentioned to Gaz those little 'questions' you were asking Keef yesterday."

My eyes widened for a moment; oh, so _that's_ what she had been talking about. Of course. I turned to snarl at him. "Go away, Louie. I'm in no mood."

"No, _I'm_ in no mood, Zim," Louie growled, and suddenly I found my back against the lockers again, with Louie leaning down over me and his finger within an inch of my face. "Now I don't know what sick little game you're playing, trying to get my friends to tell you about my family, but you know what? I'm not having it, and you better _believe_" and here he _did_ jab me, right in the space between my lenses and mouth "that Gaz won't. 'Cause this is for your own protection, you little Marsoid scumbag**—**you bring Dib up again for whatever reason and she finds out, I won't even get the _chance_ to turn you into the government, she'll dissect you herself _with her own bare hands._ She's a very sensitive little girl, you know." His eyes suddenly swept down to my claw. "What's that?"

"Huh? Uh…"

Without realizing it, I had my claw tightly closed into a fist, and to my own surprise I saw something closed within it; an oddly-shaped white object, a long string dangling out between my fingers.

I blinked. "The Gaz's necklace. It must have broken off in the fi**—**HEY!"

Faster than a Blorchian after food Louie had snatched the pendant out of my hand, holding it out by its string. "I'll just return this to Gaz for you, huh?" he mocked, carefully dropping it into one pocket of his coat. "I'm willing to bet Gaz would be kinda sore if she found out _you_ were keeping it, and I wouldn't try to give it back to her until she's calmed down a bit." He paused for a moment. "Zim?"

"Huh?" I shook my head; my eyes had followed the pendant to Louie's pocket. Once again I had been staring at it curiously…it seemed different, somehow, just like Gaz herself…it was certainly not the same shape it had been in the old timeline, I was sure of that. That one had been flat, elongated, while this one was round and had a bump where the nose would be on a hyuman face, and ears at the top of the head, but none of it looked like any hyuman features at all…

Louie, however, had no knowledge of the incredible inner workings of my amazing mind at the moment; instead he just scowled, then leaned forward again. "The point is, alien, you got Gaz mad here, and trust me, that is something you do _not_ want to do again, _capisce?_ You do not want _her_ as your enemy." Then he suddenly smirked, blue eyes narrowing. "Especially when you've already got your hands full with _me._"

I scoffed, turning away. "Oh _please._ Unlike the Gaz, _you_ hardly even qualify as a workable enemy."

"Really?" Louie said, sounding surprised; or actually fake-surprised, I thought, because his sudden frown was _still_ turned up like a grin. "'Cause I think I'm doing pretty well for myself, actually. Let's see, I've defeated all your previous plans, pretty much have clear-cut _proof_ you're an alien, and once I get that, I'll have about a dozen trained paranormal hunters with me to help drag you into a lab to be cut up and examined." He leaned in closer, his blue eyes meeting my faux-hyuman lenses. "Oh, and, in case you haven't heard yet…I also know about _Tak,_ too."

I raised an eyelid. "Tak? What's a Tak?"

Louie's eyebrows shot up for a brief moment; he leaned back slightly and stared at me for a long moment, looking like some sort of…weird staring thing, turning his head away but keeping his eyes upon me as I looked back at him in confusion.

"…Huh." He stared at me for another moment (don't ask me why)**—**then suddenly snapped around, turning to his friend who had been waiting off to the sidelines, still looking nervous. "Come on, Keef."

"Coming!"

The two walked away, hurrying towards class. I followed after them (which made sense anyway, since we had the same stupid teacher, after all).

"Wait, Lou-beast! I have a question!"

His head turned only slightly, but his eyes locked onto mine. "What?"

"That necklace your horrible sister-monster possesses. What is it?"

"_Huh?_" Louie dug his hand back into his pocket, pulling it out with the pendant in his palm. "This?"

"Yes, that, the necklace. What is it supposed to _be?_"

He scoffed quietly, just as we reached the classroom. "This? It's a skull. A pig's skull, to be precise." He glared at me again, a dark smile on his lips. "Pigs and death---Gaz has kind of an obsession with them, for some reason."

He continued to watch me as he and Keef swept into the classroom, and I stopped, frozen as the bell rang shrilly through the skool.

* * *

**A/N:** Next chapter: some more of Gaz and I think something big with Dib and Zim. It might be a while, though---I have so many stories going at once I think I might finish off one or two that are almost done before coming back to this. But I'll try to hurry, and in the meantime, please review! :-)


	22. Deleterious

**Author's Notes:** _Well, JoeMerl, it's---_

Yes, yes, it's been months, I've neglected this story, missed the one-year anniversary of publishing it even, but you know what? I'm back on track now and the semester ends soon, so just lay off and enjoy your big part in today's chapter, okay?!

_-blink-blink- Er, okay...(someone's a bit on-edge lately...)_

* * *

Chapter Twenty-One  
Deleterious

_Dear Log,_

_An interesting development. I just mentioned Tak's name to Zim, and he didn't seem to recognize it at all. So, either he's a really good actor (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!...but seriously), or it turns out Tak isn't working with him after all. But there's definitely something up with both of them, and if Tak's watching Zim (and me), there must be a connection somewhere...so what does this mean? Is Tak a human? A Zim-ian? Something else altogether? I gotta find out---if those two_ are _connected, this could be something HUGE, bigger even than the whole Krazy Taco conspiracy. Zim's mentioned a huge invasion...what if that's coming sooner rather than later? But if they're planning an invasion together, that wouldn't explain why Zim doesn't seem to know her. I need to figure this out, and I need to do it _soon,_ before whatever they're planning (individually or not) can go into effect._

_Oh, and Gaz tried to kill Zim again, just like she promised. I have to say I'm a bit pleased to see Zim get cut down to size, but it's still probably a good thing Mr. Elliot got to her before she could hurt him (otherwise there wouldn't have been enough of him left for me to study, after all). She's in the guidance counselor with that new guy. They made me talk to him once: seemed like your typical pushover. Boy do I pity him right now...  
_

* * *

"Now, do you want to tell me what happened, Gaz?"

Mr. Dwicky smiled; just like Mr. Elliot, he showed no sign of being afraid of this small, scary child who was sitting before him, though nearly all other people (and most animals) knew enough instantly to stay out of her hair. Gaz merely kept her head down, concentrating on her Game Slave. Mr. Dwicky, like most of the teachers, didn't seem to think of asking her to turn it off.

"Gaz?"

She finally looked up, one eye going wide and fearsome. When Dwicky merely turned his head and smiled, Gaz scowled, realizing she was either going to have to physically attack him or actually answer his question. "I beat up Zim," she said simply, dropping her eyes back to the screen again.

"And why did you do that?"

Oh by all that was scary and pixilated, the tone he used was even more patronizing than Mr. Elliot's. Gaz kept her eyes straight down. "He pissed me off."

"Now, now, young lady, watch your language," Dwicky said, wagging his finger _annoyingly. _"Now I want a better reason than that, Gaz! What you did was extremely inappropriate behavior. And this isn't a new occurrence." Gaz didn't answer or look up, though she could still see Mr. Dwicky reach across his desk and pick up a heavy manila folder. "You've been having these incidents for _years,_ Gaz."

"I've had _less_ of them."

"Yes, but they've gotten more violent. And I can't help but get the feeling that the only reason there have been fewer of them is because most of the other students are afraid of you now."

Gaz scoffed. "Good."

"Now _Gaz..._"

Silence fell over the office for a moment. Dwicky sighed slightly, leaning forward and clasping his hands together, a slight frown on his face.

"Let's talk about Dib."

Gaz's eyes narrowed. The thermostat on the wall suddenly registered a temperature drop of seven degrees Fahrenheit.

"_No._"

"Gaz, I'm here to help you."

"Then shut up."

"I can't do that, Gaz. Now, I know you don't like to talk about him---"

"I _don't_ talk about him. _At all._"

"Oh? Not even to Louie?"

Gaz finally looked up from her Game Slave, her eyes burning little slits. What, was Louie coming in here and talking about stuff? She would have to have a conversation with him about that. Dwicky looked back at her casually, but somehow he no longer seemed like the goofy idiot he had been a moment before; Gaz got the feeling he was seeing right through her, and she didn't like it.

Dwicky broke eye contact with her after a moment, turning back to the manila folder. "Just like you said, up until a few years ago, you had a lot more disciplinary problems---but I can see here that almost all of them had something to do with someone picking on Dib, so most of your teachers let those slide. But almost right after he di---"

"**_Don't say it._**"

Dwicky froze, frowning slightly. "...But after that," he said slowly, more carefully, "your personality seemed to change dramatically. Your anger issues became much more severe. Wouldn't you agree?"

No answer.

"It must have been hard, going through all those changes at once. Not just with Dib gone, but Louie coming into your life too. How do you feel about Louie?"

No answer.

"And this was also about the time your dad started working more, isn't it?"

Gaz was glaring so hard at her game's screen that the image seemed to warp under her gaze. She stood up, refusing to look the counselor in the eye.

"I'm going now," she declared. It was obviously not a question.

"You're going to have detention today, Gaz. Mr. Elliot's decision, not mine."

Gaz didn't answer. She waited until he was done speaking, then turned and marched out of the room without another room, half-slamming the door behind her.

Dwicky watched her go, then paused for a moment, stroking his goateed chin. Then suddenly his eyes rolled back and he slumped in his chair, as something white and glowing rose out of his chest and hovered over his unconsciously body for a moment, a tendril stroking his chin in the very same gesture.

"..._Interesting,_" **Lakeisha** mused, frowning, before flying through the crack in the door and slipping out of the room.

* * *

"_Well, this isn't very interesting,_" **Mike** mumbled, peeking his binoculars through the grille of the air vent and surveying the classroom below.

It was just after lunch time; the students were still straggling back into their classes, though the aliens' two targets, Louie and Zim, were already in their respective seats in Ms. Bitters class. As **Mike** watched, Louie shot Zim a look, just as he had been doing all through his lunch alone with Keef; Zim, for his part, glared right back, but then looked away nervously, twiddling his six fingers together in worry. It was clear that Louie was still mad due to that morning's events, and Zim still rather jumpy.

Unfortunately, nothing was coming of it.

"_What are we waiting for?_" **Juan** asked.

"..._Something._"

"_Oh._" **Mike** twiddled his tentacles. "_...What?_"

"_We don't know yet. We'll know when it happens._"

_"Ah. ...How?_"

"_Because---because it will be _interesting! _Now just be quiet, **Juan.**_"

"_Oh, okay._" He paused, looking around the vent. "_...So, where's **Lakeisha** again?_"

"_Investigating the Human Gaz._"

"_...But hasn't he been gone---_"

"_Yes, all morning! Just like she has. Don't ask me what the spirals is taking them so long...he should be back soon, alright?!_"

"_Okay._"

**Juan** was quiet for a moment. **Mike** sighed, turning back to his prey in the classroom. **Juan** put his tentacles behind his body, looking away again.

"_Soooo...wanna make out?_"

**Mike** jumped and spun around. "What?!"

"_Er, nothing, nothing._"

"_No, what did you just say?_"

"_I said---nothing._"

"_...Okay._" **Mike** stared for a moment, then turned slowly away, eying him suspiciously.

The creepy awkwardness of this moment was fortunately interrupted by **Lakeisha,** who suddenly phased through the air vent beside them. **Juan** jumped slightly (well, he was floating, but he flinched nonetheless). "_Oh, **L-man, **it's you,_" he sighed. "_What took you?_"

"_The guidance counselor's was crowded,_" **Lakeisha** muttered, messaging his equivalent-to-a-brow. "_Apparently there are lots of kids these days dealing with panic attacks from the GFiBS, or the grief of losing their loved ones or something like that. I wish I had _known_ that before I possessed the Human Dwicky, though---I could have at least let _him_ deal with all the sobbing children who came in before Gaz finally got her turn._"

"_Ugh,_" **Mike **groaned, turning away from the classroom and rolling his eyes. "_Well. Find out anything_ interesting _at least?_"

"_Perhaps,_" **Lakeisha **said slowly. "_It's hard to say. You were right, the human Gaz would be a..._difficult _specimen to utilize. But she_ may _be useful._"

"_Hmm...how so?_"

Before **Lakeisha** could answer, Ms. Bitters began to talk down in the classroom. **Mike** and **Juan** quickly shushed him, and all three of the aliens floated over to the grill, peering out into the classroom, the binoculars still in **Mike's** tentacles.

"Now class, for today's afternoon activity, I want you all to make papier-mâché sculptors depicting the _misery_ of modern life. I trust you all remember how to do that correctly---_Melvin?!_" She swept over to his desk and bent down, glaring at him and baring her teeth.

"But I told you, Ms. Bitters, that wasn't my fault! The leprechauns---"

"QUIET! I'm getting to the good part," Ms. Bitters grumbled, swooping back behind her desk and taking out the same book she had read during their group work the day before. **Mike** used his binoculars to look at the cover; it featured a scantily-clad muscular man kissing a scantily-clad beautiful (by human standards) woman, not at all unusual expect the man had an octopus for a head. **Mike** shuddered and tried not to think of the plot implications---it was especially disturbing to think of such a him-like creature fused onto the body of some disgusting carbon-based primate...

"_Hmph. Clever,_" **Lakeisha** chuckled, thankfully drawing **Mike **out of these thoughts. As soon as Ms. Bitters had sat down, Louie had practically leapt out of his chair and grabbed a startled (but rather relieved) Keef, dragging him back to his seat while glaring at Zim with fury. Zim, still in his seat as the others stirred, merely glared back, lipless mouth curled into a sneer.

Next to Zim, Zita was also scowling at Louie and Keef, a fact that Irken soon seemed to notice. "You! Zita-beast!" he said suddenly. "You wish to become the Lou-monster's mate, is this true?!"

Zita choked. "Wh---_what?!_"

"You have mushy-fuzzy feelings for him and wish to make him your love-pig, _yes?!_ This is why you look at him constantly and become enraged whenever he pays attention to any other disgusting dirt-creatures?"

"Would you---_shut up!_" she hissed---several people were turning to look at the source of Zim's yelling, though luckily for Zita, Louie and Keef seemed too busy gathering materials for the project.

Zim suddenly grabbed her hand. "_Come! _You and Zim shall be partners now."

"_No!_ Agh, get away from me you---_agh!_"

Zim dragged Zita to the back of the room, where most of the teams were already working to make their papier-mâché goo. **Mike** and **Lakeisha** rolled their eyes while **Juan** snickered behind his tentacle.

"Oh my gosh, I just _love _papier-mâché, don't you, Louie?" Keef gushed, standing by the half-filled sink and mixing the paste into their container.

"Well, it beats another lecture about how we're all going to die alone and unloved," Louie muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Oh yeah. I don't like those much either," Keef said, nodding.

"Yeah, though what this---"

"_Agh!_"

**Mike, Juan** and **Lakeisha **turned along with most of the humans in the room as the human Gretchen fell to the ground, her face splashing into the container of papier-mâché mix she had been carrying back to her desk. Melvin, her partner, let out a cry and jumped as the concoction splashed onto his shirt; and standing next to him was Zim, his elbow positioned exactly where Gretchen had been standing a moment before.

Zita burst out laughing (as did **Mike,** snickering behind his tendril). Louie instantly scowled at her (as **Juan** and **Lakeisha** did at **Mike), **then reached down and pulled her to her feet---rather roughly, however, as Keef had to grab her arm to keep from falling while Louie stomped over to Zim. "What the hell was that for, Space Boy?!" he snarled, stabbing Zim angrily in the chest.

"What?! Zim did nothing!" Zim shrieked indignantly. Which, the three aliens noted, was about half a lie---he _had_ knocked Gretchen down, and knew it, though it had been an accident while trying to wrestle his captured partner across the room. Of course, exactly _because _it was an accident, Zim wasn't going to admit to having done it or try to explain himself. This was Zim, after all.

"Yeah, right!" Louie snarled. "You think I'm an idiot, Zim?!"

"Yes." The fact that Zim said this perfectly calmly, without a trace of ill-intent or sarcasm, seemed to only make Louie's eye twitch even harder. Most of the other human children were now silent, all eyes on Louie as his hands balled into fists.

"Oh yeah? Well let's see how _you_ like it!"

Louie lurched forward, catching Zim off-guard; he stumbled back and fell onto the Letter M, who pushed him off just as quickly, and Zim, with a cry of rage, leapt onto Louie, knocking him to the ground. Gretchen, hands flying up to her goo-splattered face, yelled for Louie to stop, while most of the rest of the class, in contrast, cheered wildly.

**Lakeisha** turned to **Mike.** "_What do we do?_" he asked, his glow fluctuating with worry.

"..._Wait. Let's see what happens. He handled himself fine the other day._"

_POW!_

"_Agh!_"

Louie stumbled back from Zim, his hand pressed to his nose with blood leaking between his fingers. Zim rose to his feet, a twisted, malicious smile on his face.

**Lakeisha** gave **Mike** a deadpan stare. **Mike** returned it, crossing his tentacles. "_Oh would you just trust me?_"

**Lakeisha** sighed, rolling his eyes. "_Sure thing, boss..._"

"You little---_agh!_"

"_Agh!_"

Louie launched himself at Zim again, blood flying from his lip, sending the Irken backwards; the circle of thronging students had to rush out of the way as the two stumbled among the desks, Zim slashing his claws furiously to try to get Louie off of him. In the pair's thrashing Zim's knee happened to catch Louie in the groin; the boy let out a groan and stumbled back, grabbing a chair to steady himself.

Zim, seeing this fight start to go his way, leapt on top of a nearby desk, amused to see Louie glare _up _at him, and with eyes full of pain-tears no less. "AHA! Pit-i-ful Lou-thing, thinking you can match the amazing ZIM?! And to think, I was worried that you would be harder to destroy than the stupid D---_ugh!_"

Zim suddenly moaned and doubled over---though not many of the skoolchildren had a chance to process that, because at the same moment Louie went flying at him again, knocking him off of the desk and onto the floor. Taking advantage of his momentary weakness, Louie punched Zim, hard, right in one faux eye, then the other; Zim stumbled towards the back of the room, the kids parting again to make room---Zim slashed with his claws, missed, and with an angry grunt Louie kicked up, right in Zim's face---he stumbled back, tripped, slammed into the half-full sink in the back of the room and fell backwards, his head splashing into the water.

"_AGH!_"

Louie, positioned to attack again, suddenly fell back, his face displaying the same shock every other student's did as Zim fell out again, his entire head smoking as water dribbled down his body from his wig. Even as everybody watched Zim's naturally-dry skin began to flake off to reveal raw red burns underneath.

**Mike** howled like Caligula at a gladiator match. "_Yes, yes! Press your advantage! DESTROY HIM!_"

But Louie seemed too shocked to move as Zim rolled around the floor, howling in pain and fury. And then, quite suddenly, he found his entire body yanked into the air, along with Zim's, and spun around to see Ms. Bitters' snarling face staring down at him, her clawlike hands clenching the collar of his trench coat.

"_Oh, by the Big Crystal! He could have _had him!" **Mike** raged, impotently thrashing his tentacles.

"_But wouldn't killing Zim have messed up our plans, **Mike?**_"

_SMACK! _"_Shut up, **Juan.**_"

Down in the room, Ms. Bitters shook her two catches roughly. "And _WHAT _is the meaning of this?!" the ancient demoness screamed, staring from boy to alien with a look of dangerous fury on her face.

Louie was still too shocked to speak while Zim kept moaning in pain. Everyone else in the class, however, immediately spoke up:

"They were having a fight, Ms. Bitters---"

"Louie knocked Zim into the sink!"

"He's smoking, aren't you, like, not supposed to smoke on skool grounds?"

"QUIET!" Her snakelike head spun around to glare at Zim, then, perhaps deciding he wasn't the best one to ask, snapped to the other student, who seemed find despite his bloody nose and the instinctual buckling of his legs. "Louie! What is the meaning of this?!"

"Zim pushed Gretchen down!" he accused, pointing at the alien, who had finally relented into quiet whimpers.

"I think that was an accident, Ms. Bitters," Melvin added helpfully. Louie shot him a dirty look; he flinched and scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "...Well, it was," he murmured.

"It was no accident! Come on, everybody _knows_ Zim is a total asshole!"

"_Language,_ young man!" Ms. Bitters demanded, shaking him again. "And what did you do to him, eh?"

"I punched him in the face!"

"And how did he get these burns then?"

"He fell in the sink!" Morla called.

"And then he started smoking!" the Letter M added. He scratched his chin. "Which is pretty weird when you think about it..."

"Nonsense," Ms. Bitters snapped, turning to glare at each child in the room in turn. "A half-full sink cannot burn a small child. Unless it's filled with acid, of course. Why, I remember once when I was a child---"

"Well, it burned _Zim!_" Louie shrieked hysterically, pointing accusingly at the disoriented Irken. "_Water_ burned him! And what does that tell you, huh?!"

The three aliens looked at each other as Ms. Bitters' eyes narrowed. "What are you implying?"

"Well, it sure makes sense now, the way he freaks out every time it rains, doesn't it!" Louie screamed, suddenly laughing at the revelation, ignoring the foul taste of blood dribbling into his mouth. "_Water!_ Necessary for all _human _life, but somehow it hurts him! What do you use instead, huh?! Ammonia, methane? Come on, _share, _Zim!"

"What's Louie talking about?" Gretchen wondered, looking disturbed as she took a step back.

"Don't you get it?!" Louie screamed, twisting in Ms. Bitters grasp to address the other children. "Don't you hear the way he goes around, 'foolish hyuman' this and 'disgusting Earth-meats' that?! Doesn't anybody else _see _this?!"

Keef shifted uncomfortably while **Mike, Juan** and **Lakeisha** froze, metaphorically holding their nonexistent breaths. "See what?!" somebody called.

"_Is he gonna---_"

"_Do we want him to---_"

"_No! Not yet, anyway---I mean, if they believe him this could work perfectly, but without enough proof or credibility he'll just be in the same position as Dib---_"

"See that he's a---a---"

Louie glared at Zim, who flinched back with wide eyes, then down at the kids again, and his furiously determined expression instantly faltered. He opened and closed his mouth several times, eyes pained---then suddenly blushed, closing his mouth completely and giving a surly look to the floor.

The aliens sighed as Ms. Bitters lifted him up higher. "I've had enough of this foolishness. Do you admit to being the one who started this fight?"

"_What?!_ Well---_technically, _if you don't count Zim pushing Gretchen in the first place. But---"

"No buts. You get to stay in detention after skool today."

"_What?!_ But I never get detention! Not since---" Louie gaped for a moment, then sputtered in anger. "But what about _Zim?!_"

"Zim is in much pain," the alien moaned, clutching at his throat as Ms. Bitters' hold made it even _harder _to breathe through the pain wracking his body.

Ms. Bitters cast a look at Zim's red, burnt face, then dropped him to the floor, releasing Louie half a second later. "_You, _Zim, may head for the nurse's office. Just try not to take as long as that time you had head pigeons."

"And stole everyone's organs," Louie grumbled, too quietly for any of the other humans to hear.

Zim swayed on his feet for a moment, then saluted. "Yes...Ms. Bitters-beast," he moaned. He cast a look at Louie, turning pale at the quaking fury the Earth-boy sent back at him, before turning and rushing out of the room as fast as his injured body could run.

**Juan** and **Lakeisha** looked at **Mike **for a moment; he hesitated, then waved for them to follow him, quickly slipping out into the classroom and then through the wall into the hallway before anyone could notice. There they found Zim racing away from the scene of the fight as quickly as he could; they froze just as he bent over to catch his breath, speaking to himself in croaking moans.

"Stupid...Lou-monster," he hissed. "Even---worse than the Dib was. Except---no. Just these---stupid malfunctions. Gave him the advantage. But now he knows about the water...another one of _my _advantages gone...he's catching up to the Dib every day, ever since I created this timeline..."

The Irken paused as the other three aliens waited, pressed against the wall and frozen with anticipation. Zim seemed to be thinking of something, thinking as deeply and intently as his inferior Irken mind could think. Finally he nodded decisively, rising to his full and none-too-impressive height, pointing dramatically at the ceiling.

"I know what must be _done!_" he declared. "I'm surprised I didn't think of this before, though it is so _brilliant..._the Lou-beast has become just as much of a threat as Dib, so I must _take care_ of that threat in the very same way."

**Lakeisha** blinked. "_He doesn't mean..._"

"Enough trying to understand and _defeat _the Lou!" Zim cried dramatically, despite being unaware of anyone else's presence. "I will simply go home now and use the Time Machine again. Except this time...it will be _Louie_ that I erase."

And with that he turned and marched dramatically down the halls, forgetting about the nurse's office and vanishing out of the front doors of the skool.

As soon as he was gone, **Mike, Juan** and **Lakeisha** rushed out of their hiding place, turning towards each other in the hallway with three identically-pale glows.

"_...Oh bloody _shit."

* * *

**A/N: **I'm kind of surprised nobody else thought of this possibility. Will Zim be able to erase Louie too?! Stay tuned and please review!

(P.S.: This is now officially the longest fic I've ever written in terms of word count. ;-)


	23. Smashy

**Author's Notes:** _Oh, look, an update. _Finally._ Well, this chapter involves suffering---specifically suffering that _I_ get to inflict, so at least there's a fair trade-off for such a long wait. Enjoy._

* * *

Chapter Twenty-Two  
Smashy

"_Oh crud oh crud oh crud oh crud oh crud---_"

**Juan** zoomed along the ground, flying as fast as he could threw the human streets and making only minimal efforts to hide himself, ducking in and out from under the asphalt every few seconds.

"_This is bad, this is very very bad---_"

He had to get to Zim's base. And he had to get there _fast,_ before Zim had a chance to use the time machine against Louie and ruin their plans.

He could only hope that **Mike** and **Lakeisha** could stall Zim 'til then.

* * *

Zim jumped quickly down the steps of the skool, eager to get home and finally have that stupid Lou-beast out of his life for good.

He landed at the bottom of the stoop---then tripped and fell on his face.

"OW!"

He got up, grumbling as he brushed himself off, then took off running---only to trip on his third step.

"OW!"

He growled, got up and started to---

"OW! Who keeps doing that?!"

He kicked the impudent hyuman Earth-ground angrily and took off running again. With a growl **Mike** stuck his head out from the grass, **Lakeisha** emerging a second later.

"_This isn't working _fast enough!" the lead alien snapped, then suddenly picked up a pebble from the ground and threw it off towards the retreating Irken.

"OW!"

"_Hmm...well, that was cathartic at least,_" **Mike** mumbled.

"We need something more efficient!" **Lakeisha** snapped, then suddenly snapped his tentacle (don't ask how). "_Wait, I've got it! You just keep on him!_" he said, and took off along the ground.

"_Wait, what---get back here!_" **Mike** snapped, but he was already gone. Growling again, **Mike** took off after Zim and kept using the only method he could think of.

"OW!"

* * *

Zim rounded the first stupid block on his way home from skool a lot later than he usually would have, mainly due to the _HORRIBLE!_ planet refusing to acknowledge the perfect steps of him, the amazing ZIM! So of course, one can imagine how annoyed he was to find his way blockaded by orange traffic cones, with an Anti-GFiBS truck parked horizontally to block the road.

"What the---_you!_" Zim pointed at a human in a gray jumpsuit, who was hastily adding orange cones to the other side of the street. "Hyuman stupid-drone! What is the meaning of these orange Earth-trashes blocking the path of ZIM?!"

"Huh?" The man looked up, frowning. "Oh, I'm sorry, son. This section of the road is blocked off. There's a bad GFiB attack up ahead."

"I don't care!" Zim snapped, pointing down at the offending cone. "Just move this stupid---_thingy_ out of my way!"

"Can't do that, kid. You know the rules---once a GFiB attacks, you gotta block off that whole part of town by five city blocks."

"But my _house is this way!_"

"Well, you're just gonna have to find another way home then. Assuming it'll still be there," the man added with an insouciant shrug.

"Wha---buh---_find another way?!_ Do you know who you are talking to, you little cow-worm? I AM ZI---"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," the man said, waving him away and going back to his work.

Zim sputtered for a moment, glaring at him, and then turned back to the orange cones, a sudden BRILLIANT idea suddenly coming to his brilliant mind all of a sudden. He inched towards the cones---took a quick look back at the man to make sure he wasn't looking---and then---and here is the BRILLIANT part!---lifted his leg up and began to climb over it.

Ha! Victory for---

ZZ-ZZ-ZZ-ZZAAAAP!

"_Agh!_"

Zim fell back on the ground, twitching as his body sparked; the man gave a dry chuckle without looking up. "Yeah. These new models with their electrified energy fields sure are nifty," he said, laying down the last one on the other side of the street and switching it on with a button. "Amazing what that Prof' Membrane can do with all the spare time he puts in at the lab, eh?"

Zim merely growled as he climbed to his feet, eyeball twitching as bits of blackened skin fell off from his amazingly-amazing body. Then he turned and stormed away, muttering invectives under his breath.

The man watched him go out of the corner of his eye---until **Mike** suddenly sprang up from under the street. "_Ah. That was clever,_" he muttered.

"Thanks," **Lakeisha** said, slipping out of the GFiBS-soldier's body and letting it slump unconsciously onto the sidewalk. "_But let's hurry. We still need to buy **Juan** enough time to get into his base and destroy the machine._"

And the two aliens took off after their retreating prey.

* * *

"_Oh crud oh crud oh crud oh crud---_"

**Juan** reached Zim's base and flew straight down into the lawn, passing through several hundred feet of earth in a few seconds to reach his main lab underground. He only stopped once he was inside, hovering in the air and looking wildly around.

"_Okay, I've made it! Now I---need---machine, where---where where where where---ah!_"

It was, in fact, right where it had been last time he was here---totally deactivated now, as the Computer had grown weary of watching historical events sometime around lunchtime or the Napoleonic Wars, depending on which sense you meant. It sat there, frozen and quiet, dimly illuminated by the light coming from **Juan's** body.

"_Okay, cool,_" he said, forcing himself to calm down. "_Now I just...gotta destroy it. No problem. Um..._"

He looked around the lab for a moment, then floated down to a table, finding a wrench-like Irken tool and picking it up in one tentacle. He grunted slightly---it was heavier than expected---but managed to heave it up and then swing it at the time machine, hitting it on the side.

_CLANG!_

**Juan** winced as the noise echoed through the room in a thundering claxon; when he looked the time machine was lightly dented, but otherwise undamaged.

"_Oh, this is gonna take a while,_" **Juan** moaned, then drew the wrench back for another swing.

* * *

It was a good thing Zim was so brilliant, because otherwise this stupid problem would be impossible to resolve.

Zim's first thought had been to call GIR to come and fly him home, but unfortunately he had been unable to get through, because (while he didn't know) GIR had blown himself up out of boredom earlier in the day and was not yet done reassembling himself. So now he had come up with another method of getting around the cone-hyuman and his horrible doomy cones---by rooftop.

Zim chuckled darkly, extending the spider legs out of his PAK and climbing up the side of a random house. "Foolish hyumans," he muttered. "Now I shall use your own pitiful constructions against you! By climbing this house and jumping from roof to roof, I will easily be able to bypass your defenses and make it back to---_AGH!_"

"_RUFF! RUFF RUFF!_"

Zim spun around to look down, eyes widening at the large dark-brown dog barking up at him, jumping as high as it could in an attempt to reach get the Irken in its jaws. By this time Zim was already halfway up the wall of the one-story house, but the distraction made him slide down slightly. The dog jumped again as Zim remained frozen in fear and surprise; just a little higher and it would reach---

"_Aaaaaggggghhhhh!_"

The dog grabbed one of Zim's lower PAK-legs in its mouth and held on, pulling the Irken down with it as it fell to the earth. Zim landed hard on his back, temporarily stunned again---as the dog took off running, the PAK-leg still in its jaws, dragging the alien along with it.

"_Agh! Stop it! Release me, hideous beast! I am ZI---wait---no, that's a puddle, don't---_"

_TSSST!_

"_AGH!_"

The dog ran into the street, dragging Zim along, its eyes giving a sudden silvery-white flash as it passed. **Lakeisha,** meanwhile, peeked out from behind a bush, watching.

"_Oh now that's just _mean, **_Mike._"**

* * *

_CLANG CLANG CLANG!_

"_Whoa---_"

**Juan's** whole body trembled and shook as the vibrations from his blows traveled up his tentacle, pausing for a moment to hold his throbbing head. The time machine, for its part, was dented, damaged, but still _way_ too together and potentially functional for **Juan's** liking. He couldn't even bang through its outer shell, let alone get to the technology inside.

"_Okay, there has _GOT_ to be an easier way to do this,_" he mumbled, wiping some scientifically-implausible sweat from his brow. "_Hmm...maybe I could---_"

Just then the door slid open behind him. **Juan** jumped,---well, flinched anyway, he was floating after all---and spun around in terror.

GIR stood in the threshold of the laboratory, snapping his arm back onto his body as he entered. He froze when he saw **Juan,** who floated with wide eyes, completely petrified.

GIR grinned. "_Oooh..._flyin' oct'pus!" he squealed, then suddenly jumped through the air and glomped **Juan** to the ground.

* * *

Zim panted, dragging himself along the sidewalk, the pathetic hyuman stink-beasts staring at him as he passed.

"Stupid...dog-monster," Zim growled, straightening his wig as he looked around. "Dragging me...all the way to the middle of the city! When I...world domination...extinct...all puppies..._ugh._"

Zim collapsed against the side of the nearest building, and might have passed out, if not for his AMAZING mind reminding him of how ASTOUNDING he was. "Oh, but the dogs think they can defeat me!" he suddenly screamed, forcing himself to his feet. "Clearly they do not realize who I am! No pathetic smelly dog-beasts can best me, for I am, er---bester than them! Yeah! And" and here he started to chuckle, ignoring the odd stares the hyumans gave him as they passed, "little do they realize that they have, in fact, HELPED Zim in his insidious plan to get back to the base and destroy the Lou! For now all I have to do is go _this_ way...or, or is it..._that_ way, I, uh...no way, _this_ way, yeah. TO THIS WAY!"

He marched off down the sidewalk in the direction that would eventually lead him home.

Meanwhile, in a dark alley about a block away, two local thugs were counting the meager money they collected from a kid walking home from skool.

The short, wiry mugger sighed.

"What's wrong, Oscar?" asked his taller, broad-shouldered giant of a companion.

"I don't know, Marion," Oscar said, kicking at a loose piece of gravel on the ground. "I'm just starting to wonder if this whole thing is worth it."

"Whuddya mean?"

"I mean---is this really the life we want to be living? Beatin' up little kids and old ladies for a measly---" he quickly recounted the money in his hands "three dollah's and fifty-two cents? I mean, what have we become, Marion?!"

Marion thought for a moment, then sighed. "I don't know, man," he said, slumping over.

"Well, I say we're better than this!" Oscar said, angrily curling his hand into a fist around the cash. "We oughta try to make more of ourselves, give up this whole crummy lifestyle! We used to have dreams, man, _dreams! _We need to get off these streets and make our lives _mean_ something!"

Marion considered. "Well...I _could_ go back to ballet skool. Maybe my dream could come true at last," he sighed, a dreamy smile spreading across his face.

"Yeah! And I was just a few semesters away from that degree in advanced neuroscience with a specialty in psychiatric medication," Oscar said, beginning to pace the alley excitedly. He stopped, pounding his fist into his hand. "So you know what? This is it, Marion! We're getting out of this life! From this moment on, the two of us are new men, and---"

He was suddenly interrupted as a pair of aliens flew out of the wall behind them and took control of their respective bodies, just as the sound of Zim's ranting drifted into the alley from a few feet away.

**Mike** and **Lakeisha** looked at each other. "You aim for his arms and legs," **Mike** advised, crouching down to pick up a lead pipe in Oscar's hands. "I'll aim for the face."

**Lakeisha** nodded.

Just that moment Zim passed by the alley.

"_GET HIM!_"

"What the---_AGH! OOH! OUCH, STOP THAT! **OW!**_**"**

* * *

"_Agh! Get off, get off!_"

GIR hugged the flying octopus as tightly as he could, but to his surprise it somehow managed to free itself from his grasp, floating up almost to the ceiling where GIR couldn't reach (unless he remembered his jet packs, which to **Juan's** great relief he did not). Frowning slightly GIR stood up and merely stared at the odd creature, turning his head to one side and considering it silently.

**Juan's** eyes shot from the robot to the machine he was supposed to be smashing. He was suddenly interrupted as GIR spoke.

"Whatcha _dooooo_ing?"

"Huh?!" **Juan** jumped, turning back to the little robot. "_Oh! Um, uh---nothing?_" he said feebly, poking two of his tentacles together nervously.

"_Oooooooh,_" GIR said, eyes widening. "Okay!"

And he calmly turned and began to walk away. **Juan** hesitated, thinking.

"Um---wait!"

GIR turned, eyes shifting in color slightly. "Yeah-huh?"

"Um..." **Juan** looked around nervously, as if expecting **Mike** to be right behind him about to slap him for the stupid thing he was about to do. Clearing his throat, he turned back to GIR and asked, "_If I may, do you, um...do you by any chance know how to, like...destroy that thing?_"

He pointed with his wrench to the time machine. GIR followed with his eyes, staring silently for a moment before turning back to **Juan.**

"Was you tryin' ta smash it?"

"_Um...maybe?_"

"Oh." GIR turned away again, staring at the time machine quietly.

**Juan **waited for a moment, unsure of what to do. Just when he had decided that the SIR Unit was in a trance and unlikely to help him, however, GIR suddenly jumped across the room, clung onto the time machine and screamed, "_SMASHY!_"

_BOOM!_

"Agh!"

**Juan** held up his tentacles to shield himself from the blast, then looked a moment later to find the machine partially broken, some of the metal plating blown off from the area where GIR had been clinging. As for the robot, he was...well, all over the place, but apparently doing alright. **Juan** couldn't _see_ its head anywhere, but an insane little giggle from the floor testified that it wasn't entirely destroyed.

**Juan** floated down to the machine, stopping to examine it again. "_Well, that _helped, _I guess,_" he muttered. "_But I need to---_hey!"

**Juan** came closer, gazing into the hole GIR had made in the machine. Inside he could see a flashing green orb. "_Oh, _yes!"he cheered, reaching in and carefully snapping it out of its place, holding it up to examine carefully.

"_I'm no engineer, but I recognize a primary energy source of element 164 beta-isotope activated with antimatterization when he see one!_" **Juan **whooped, punching one tentacle into the air. "_Let's see Zim make that machine work without _this!"

And clinging the little orb tightly in one tentacle **Juan** flew straight up like a rocket, disappearing through the ceiling.

* * *

Up in the living room, the Computer was enjoying GIR absence; the monkey picture behind the couch was now displaying a human video game he had downloaded from the Inter-thingy. "Oh Irk this is awesome," the Computer muttered, dodging as a bear tried to shoot him with a telekinetic blast.

The front door banged open; Zim dragged himself in, groaning, his clothing torn, his bruised face a contorted mess of pain and rage.

"Uh...bad day?" the Computer ventured, swinging the door shut behind him as the picture replaced his game.

"Don't...speak," Zim growled, using the couch to pull himself to his feet. "Just...elevator...lab...time machine...doody."

"Um, I'll translate that as best I can, I...guess."

Zim entered the toilet and began to descend, leaning on the tube as they went.

Silence for a moment. "_So,_" the Computer said. "Um...Louie do this?"

"No, those burns have healed already," Zim gasped, forcing himself to stand upright. "But...he will...pay for that...in-dig-nit-EE! I'm going to do...what I should have done...a long time ago."

"Retire from Invading to become a traveling psychic circus performer?"

"Use my time machine to erase---_hyuh?_"

"I dunno, you have the voice for it."

"Voice for---bah!" Zim slashed the air in annoyance. "No! I am going to use the time machine to erase the Lou-child from existence, thus freeing me of him just as I freed myself of the Dib-stink in the first place."

"...Huh. That's...actually pretty clever, Zim."

"Yes. Yes it is," Zim agreed as the lift landed in the main lab.

"But, wait," the Computer interrupted as Zim disembarked. "What if erasing Louie in the past just has the same result as erasing this Dib kid, and instead of your easy conquest you just get _another_ human child trying to stop your Invasion?"

"Oh, bah," Zim said, craning his head to look up at the ceiling. "What are the chances of that happening, uh---three times? All I have to do is send a few more piggies back in time for the Louie, and _then _I will be invinci---_what happened here?!_"

Zim's mouth fell open almost as soon as he turned around; his eyes widened at the sight of the partially-smashed and smoking time machine and scorch marks on the floor as GIR sat calmly beside them, one leg still missing as he screwed his head back on.

Zim took a moment to twitch in anger before screaming. "_GIIIIIR?!_"

"Yeah?" the little robot said simply, turning his newly-applied head and smiling stupidly.

"_What did you do?!_"

GIR thought hard for a moment. "_I asploded for the octopus! SMASHY!_" he cried, then jumped to his single foot---and fell on his face. "OW!" he cheered.

Zim threw back his head and screamed several very complex words that wouldn't make any sense to someone who spoke English and would seem very indecent to someone who spoke the language they was from. Then he spun around and faced the computer. "YOU! How could you let this happen?!"

"What?! I can't watch the whole house at _once!_" the Computer cried. "I needed some of my sensors to scan for arrowheads!"

"What?! I---_agh!_" Zim thrashed his claws in the air for a moment. "Activate the time machine! Run a diagnostic! See if it still works! _Do something!_"

"Alright, alright, keep your pants on."

"Of course I'll keep my pants on, just _do it!_"

"_Ugh..._"

A moment passed; Zim tapped his toe impatiently as the Computer scanned. "Uh-oh."

"What?!"

"Initial diagnostic shows that the time machine is missing it's primary energy source of antimatterized element 164 beta-isotope," the Computer said. "Presumably destroyed in the explosion."

"Wha---GIR?!"

"Yeah?"

"Did you do anything with the antimatterized primary energy source of element 164 beta-isotope in this time machine?!"

"Um...I don't think sooooo."

"_Agh!_"

Zim spun around and kicked the time machine angrily, then screamed again and began hopping on one foot. "You know, you _really _gotta learn to stop doing that," the Computer commented.

"Zim must learn NOTHING! Nothing but to get less _idiotic assistants!_" the alien screamed, gingerly putting his foot back on the ground. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to GET one of those things?! _NOW _how am I supposed to erase the Lou-monster from existence?!"

"No idea," the Computer said. "Can I get back to my game now?"

"_No!_"

"Ugh, fine. Then I might as well remind you: it's Friday."

"So?!"

"So it's the day for your weekly call to the Tallests, in spite their obvious disdain for you and all that you do," the Computer explained. "Oh, also, don't forget about your malfunctioning PAK, you need to---"

"The Tallests?! Ugh, like I have time to...wait!" Zim's eyes widened. "I never got the chance to tell them about how I defeated the Dib! Oh, how could I have forgotten---they'll be so impressed!"

"Impressed? Zim, they won't even know what you're talking abou---"

"Quiet! Your words are stupid. Just patch me through to the Tallests," Zim demanded, taking off his contacts and wig and straightening out his disheveled clothes. "I'll worry about the time machine problem later."

"But I---oh, whatever," the Computer sighed, then began opening a hyperspace link. The sooner Zim was entertained with something else, the sooner he could get back to his game, after all.

* * *

**Mike** held up the glowing orb, fascinating. "_You really _stole_ this?_"

"_Yeah-huh,_" **Juan** said, nodding sycophantically.

"_...No, really, _you, _**Juan?** The person who thought dark matter was a kind of ice cream topping, _you_ recognized the technical importance of this device and thought to take it as a way of neutralizing the Irken threat?_"

**Juan** crossed his tentacles. "_You know, I _am_ a lot smarter than you seem to think I am._"

"_And **Juan** was right, dark matter really _does_ taste good with vanilla,_" **Lakeisha** added.

**Mike** chuckled, slipping the device away. "_**Juan,** you may have done something even smarter than you think. Wrecking the time machine, though seemingly necessary, would have disrupted our long-term plans. But now..._"

"_Now what?_"

"_We have the Irken's advantage,_" **Mike** said simply. "_So we'll_ still _have it when he finally has no choice but to do as we want._"

He chuckled darkly as the three flew back to the skool to find Louie.

* * *

**A/N:** Well, I think I managed to write an ending that isn't too abrupt here. Next chapter: Zim's call to the Tallests and Louie and Gaz in detention. I hope you enjoyed! And as always, please feel free to leave a review. :-D

P.S.: The Computer is playing the same video game that distracted me from publishing this for these last couple days. XD Anyone get the clues?


	24. Broken Rules

**Author's Notes:** Yeah, this fic's been on hiatus for _way_ too long, I sincerely apologize. I'll try to make updates more prompt from now on. ^^; Anyway, without further ado, on to the long-overdue chapter.

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* * *

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Chapter Twenty-Three  
Broken Rules

"Morga—please!"

The female Vort paused on the threshold as the male approached her on his knees, hands clasped together. She threw back her head, not looking at him.

"I'm sorry, Gast Ban. But I can't forgive you for what you've done. Not this time."

Tears began to flow down Gast Ban's face. "But—please, Morga. I love you."

The female Vort spared a half glance back at him. "Well, I don't love you anymore," she said harshly, before sweeping out of the room.

Almighty Tallest Purple screamed, grabbing the screen in front of him and shaking it violently.

"_NO! NONONONONONONO!_"

"_Ugh…_"

Tallest Red facepalmed as Purple covered his face and sobbed, allowing the hovering screen to float away just as the commercials began to play.

"_No...no, this can't be happening!_"

"Purple, it's just a show. Calm down."

"But Ban! Morla! They're _meant to be_, Red!" He sniffled, wiping a tear from his eye.

"Who _cares?_"

"They have a clatch of eggs together! What's gonna happen when they hatch, huh? !"

"I don't even get how you can _watch _all those Vort soap operas. I mean...sexual reproduction? _Eew._"

"You just don't get it."

"They're stupid, what's there to get?"

"They're not stupid! They're—"

"Um…My Tallests?"

"_What?_" they both screamed, turning to the offending minion and causing him to jump.

"We, um—have an incoming transmission," he said nervously, looking from one annoyed Tallest to the other. "From…" He gulped. "Earth."

"_Ugh…_"

Both Tallests groaned and slumped in their chairs, though to the communication officer's relief, neither ordered his execution for delivering the bad news. "Well, let's see what stupid thing Zim is doing _this_ time," Red muttered, waving his hand.

The blank field of stars in front of them vanished, replaced with the sight of Zim's unpleasantly familiar face and dark magenta laboratory. That the tiny little moron was grinning only worsened the Tallests' moods—as a rule Zim's happiness _never_ meant good things for anyone, except _possibly_ himself.

"Greetings, my Tallests!" Zim said, saluting quickly before rubbing his hands together like a smeet on a sugar rush. "I have terrific news!"

"Yes, what is it _this_ week, Zim?" Tallest Red asked, slumping down on his seat with his head in his hand.

"Did you make another mutant wombat?" Purple asked, sitting up straighter.

"The last one nearly killed him, why would he make another one?"

"I dunno, I actually kinda _liked_ that one."

"Well, I admit that battle _was_ pretty entertaining..."

"Ha ha, _no,_ my Tallests, _Zim's_ news is even _grander_ and _more_ amazing than _that,_" Zim said, spreading out his arms as his grin grew even wider. "For you see, I have _finally_ succeeded in eliminating the _hyuman _child who has thwarted me in my attempts to conquer this miserable little rock for so long!"

"Huh, _really?_" Red said, his eyelids raising slightly as he sat up a bit straighter in his seat. Granted, killing _one _measly little smeet from an inferior species wasn't much of an accomplishment after _months_ stationed on a planet, but given how much trouble _this _one had apparently given Zim...and that the fact that this was, you know, _Zim_ after all...

"Yes, I am amazing, aren't I? For now, the Irken Empire may move unabated in its quest of dominance over the galaxy! For I, the amazing ZIIIM, have lain waste to the pathetic Dib-stink, and can now—"

"Who?"

"Hyuh?"

Zim stopped in mid-rant, turning around to look at the Tallests in surprise.

"Yeah, wasn't your human named, like...I dunno, 'Lucy' or something?" Purple wondered, rubbing his chin.

"I thought it was 'Loogie.'"

"Something with an 'l'..."

"No..._no,_ my Tallests!" Zim said, frowning and dropping his pose. "I'm not talking about the Lou-hyuman. I mean the Dib!"

"What's a Dib?"

"The hyuman that's been bothering me all these months! The one I had _before_ Louie..."

Suddenly Zim's eyes widened, and his face turned from confusion to worry. Purple turned to Red and raised an eyelid. Red simply shrugged, just as confused.

"You don't..._remember_ the Dib-stink, do you?" Zim asked meekly.

"Euh..._no._"

"Oh. Well, okay, you see—"

The monarchs looked at each other again and rolled their eyes as Zim started, "You see, there was—there was this _other_ hyuman—he was—even _more_ horrible—and he was _before_ the Lou, you see, the Lou wasn't _there_ yet! And um...he did all these...these _things,_ oh, you wouldn't even _believe!_ He foiled my laser weasel experiment—"

"I thought it was the Louie-kid who did that."

"What—n—no, it was the Dib! But this was _before!_" Seeing his Tallests still baffled—which really meant, exasperated enough that each was contemplating his execution—Zim took a deep breath and tried to reorganize his thoughts. "You see—this was in a different _timeline,_ my Tallests! The laser weasel thing, and the plan with Ultra-Peepi, all that—in _this_ world it was the Lou who foiled all that, but _before_ it was the Dib-stink, _he_ was the annoying little worm who tried to stand in the way of Zim! But I got rid of him this time—all I needed to do was use a time machine, and I—"

"A _time machine? !_" Red yelled, sitting up quickly as Purple let out a sputtering choke. "You used a _time machine? !_"

"_Yes!_ Now you understand!" Zim said proudly, drawing himself up to his full and pathetic height.

"What kind of time machine? ! A contained spatio-temporal modulator or an actual traveling-through-time, let's-go-meet-Tallest-Prime temporal-displacement time machine? !"

The Tallest's tone must have actually penetrated through Zim's ridiculously thick skull, because his antennae suddenly dropped, a slight frown crossing his formerly smiling face. "Um...why does it matter?"

"Because you know temporal placement devices are outlawed according to _every _Irken-alien peace treaty, _right?_"

"Oh, that? No big deal, we're evil!" Zim said brightly, his smile reappearing.

"_No,_ you tiny moron!" Purple snapped, recovering from his choking fit and pulling himself upright. "It's illegal _in_ the Empire, too! It's illegal _everywhere!_"

"Er...why?"

"Because it's _ridiculously_ dangerous, you idiot!" Red said, closing his eyes and girning at the weight of Zim's overwhelming stupidity. "Do you have _any_ idea how fragile the timeline can be? Changing the past is like—taking the Massive's power core and trying to wedge it into a Voot Cruiser!"

"...And why would that be a problem?"

"_Because it would blow up and kill everything! Boom! Pow! Death! The Great Kablooie 2: Electric Boogaloo!_" Purple screamed, waving his arms.

Zim stared at them blankly for a moment. The Tallests glared back. Several members of the Massive's crew glanced at each other nervously.

Suddenly, Zim's insane SIR unit jumped up out of nowhere, latching himself onto Zim's screen and grinning insanely. "I BLEW UP FOR THE OCTOPUS!"

"_GIR—!_"

Zim grabbed the stupid robot and threw it off-screen, then turned back to the Tallests, a very large, very forced smile on his face.

"So, um, anyway—it was nice of you to call, but I, uh, gotta go. I left the, uh—toilet on! Call you next week!"

And without even waiting for a response his face vanished from the screen, bringing the starfield back into view.

The Tallests looked at each other, pure terror on their faces.

"You don't think he would _really—_"

"It's _Zim._"

"But even he—"

Purple stopped in mid-sentence, and Red began to massage his suddenly-throbbing head. He was annoyingly aware of both his partner and various minions around the bridge looking at him; thinking about that—and the possible repercussions of what he had just heard—certainly wasn't going to help his headache.

"Well, I _hope_ he wasn't that stupid. 'Cause we're gonna be in _big_ trouble if he was."

* * *

Invader Larb grinned as he looked out at the window of his new, improved Maimbot, observing the Vort military squadron assembled below.

His own army was far larger, made up of the best of Irken weaponry mixed with most advanced Vort technology that he had managed to either con himself into getting or outright steal. The Vorts had been taken completely by surprise by his attack; the morons had honestly not expected their so-called "allies" to turn on them, and despite their brilliance with making weapons their own military was small and relatively weak, since they had long expected the Irkens to help them in the case of an outside attack. They had little idea what to do when the Irkens _themselves_ prepared an _inside_ attack.

Larb pressed a command code into the computer, and his massive army of robots began to charge their weapons.

Nothing could stand in their way now, he thought giddily.

And then a rift in space-time opened right above them, and _both_ armies were quickly sent straight into utter chaos.

* * *

**(LOUIE)**

"I hope you know I blame _you_ for this."

"_What? !_"

"_Quiet!_" Coach Walrus shouted, making me jump in my seat. "You little miscreants are to sit there and do homework, not talk, ya got it?"

"Yes, ma—si—um, yes."

(S)he grunted and went back to reading his/her magazine. Meanwhile I put my book up on the desk and lowered my head, blocking my face from sight as I leaned over to Gaz and hissed, "Why is this _my_ fault?"

"_Because,_ if _you_ hadn't told me to go beat up Zim_—"_

"I _never_ told you—_"_

"_I SAID BE QUIET!_"

I jumped again, then lowered my head sullenly, girning. Gaz merely kept her eyes on her Game Slave, her lip curled into a sneer. Why Coach Walrus let her play that instead of doing homework was a mystery to me; either (s)he wasn't paying much attention or just didn't want to get on Gaz's bad side, it was hard to tell which in this skool. Really only a couple of teachers had the rare mixture of responsibility and bravery to keep Gaz from getting her way; heck, this was the first time I could think of her _ever _getting detention, despite having practically put Keef in a coma about twenty times before.

I stared at the pages of my book for a moment, then glanced over at Gaz again, still frowning. She was wearing her pig-skull necklace again—I had given it back to her at the beginning of detention, and she had simply snatched it out of my hand without a word of—appreciation? It struck me as ridiculous that I had even expected that from her. She wasn't exactly the grateful type.

Gaz must have noticed me looking at her, because her eyes suddenly snapped open and slowly slid over in my direction.

"...What?"

"I didn't _tell_ you to beat up Zim, you know."

"Be quiet," she growled, both eyes returning to her game again.

"You can't just go blaming me for what _you_ do, Gaz. _You_ decided to attack Zim in front of everyone, even if I—"

_POW!_

I let out a short gasp as her fist collided with my shoulder, not as hard as I knew she _could _hit but harder than any little girl _should _have been able to. "Shut up!" she snapped, leaning even closer to her game.

I glared at her, then turned away, popping my shoulder back into place.

_Hmph. _Well there went three years of "family" bonding down the drain, I guess.

I couldn't get Gaz sometimes. Or _any_ of the time, really, though I liked to imagine I did. She was never _nice, _and as far as I could tell she never had been—people had feared her _long _before I came into her life, before Dib had died, even Keef had dropped hints that she had been nasty for years before I had known her. She acted nic_er_ to me than anybody else, but she was still rude, still blamed me for all her problems...

And still was willing to punch me, apparently.

It was stupid, but for three years I had prided myself on being the one person immune from her little temper-tantrum fits of violence. That ache in my shoulder hurt more than I wanted to admit.

Forty-five minutes later the bell finally rang, and Gaz was instantly on her feet, marching out of the room before I even had time to pack up my books. I heard a familiar voice as she opened the door. "Oh, hi, Ga—"

I looked up just in time to hear a loud metal _BANG!_ as Gaz marched out of sight. I growled slightly, rolling my eyes as I ran past Coach Walrus (who had apparently fallen asleep over his/her magazine) and out of the room to find Keef in a crumpled mess against the lockers, blinking blurrily.

"_Ugh_—sorry, man, Gaz is in a bad mood today," I muttered, helping him to his feet. "What are you doing here?" I asked. "You didn't have to wait for me to get out of detention."

"Yes I did," Keef said dizzily, shaking his head as if to clear his thoughts. "Don't you remember? We're having a sleepover tonight!"

"What? Oh—" I slapped my head. "Dang, I totally forgot about that! With Zim and everything...I should probably be trying to figure out...b-but I can still do it," I said quickly, dispelling the sad-puppy look that fell over Keef's face. "Actually, this is probably better...I _really_ don't want to be home alone with Gaz right now," I grumbled, glaring down the hallway in the direction she'd disappeared.

"Oh, _great!_" Keef said, grabbing my hand and suddenly dragging me after him. "Come on, let's hurry! My mom will be expecting us home soon! She's making fried chicken for dinner tonight! I love fried chicken, and then we can watch movies and play Tangler and sing karaoke and—"

"Dude? Calm down, okay? We do this like every week."

"I know, but I'm just _so_ excited!"

I rolled my eyes but let him drag me down the hall and out of the skool.

* * *

**A/N:** This chapter is shorter than some of the more recent ones, and ending may be a bit rushed, but I wanted to hurry up and get this out already (especially for you, Invaderzimfannumber1 ;-) . Anyway, I'll try to get the next chapter out soon...I'm also thinking and going back and editing this story, probably not any major plot points but just to clean up some of the more egregious errors. I'm not sure, though. Either way, until next time I hope you enjoyed this, and please review. :-)


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